Where is Melania Trump? The missing First Lady mystery deepened on Friday when she didn’t go to Camp David with her husband, marking the 21st day she hasn’t been seen in public.
In fact she already hadn’t been seen for four days when, on May 14, the White House announced that she was being admitted to Walter Reed National Military Medical Center for minimally invasive kidney surgery.
Thing is, she stayed in the hospital for a procedure that is often done on an outpatient basis.
Then again, who wouldn’t rather stay in the hospital than go home to watch her chaotic madman of a husband taking time out from running the country to slather on ManTan, and construct that cruise missile of a combover each morning?
She finally kind of broke her silence on Thursday — Richard Simmons style — after the media began speculating about why she wasn’t joining her husband at Camp David.
Melania tweeted (who knew she could take such good dictation-complete with an ever-present, ever-inappropriate Trumpian exclamation point?): “I see the media is working overtime speculating where I am & what I’m doing. Rest assured, I’m here at the @WhiteHouse w my family, feeling great, & working hard on behalf of & the American people!”
Why then didn’t the feeling-great First Lady show on Wednesday to join all those children and American people on the South Lawn for Sports and Fitness Day, nor attend the bizarre meeting that same day between her husband and ridiculous Kim Kardashian? Who would miss a one-time-only opportunity to see the country’s two biggest reality show pains in the asses in one round office?
Perhaps Melania was otherwise engaged sitting in the upstairs window like Norman Bates’ mother.
What does that mean? Despite becoming numb to the dumb, White House reporters were still, er, struck dumb last Friday when one asked Donald where Melania was as he was about to board Marine One without her to attend the Naval Academy commencement.
He pointed to a White House window like crazy Bates and said, “She’s doing great. She’s looking at us right there.” But she wasn’t.
It was a true Emperor’s New Clothes moment. If the emperor says she’s there, she’s there no matter what your eyes see.
If Melania doesn’t show up in person soon, people will start speculating that she’s the Shelly Miscavige of the White House and the Richard Simmons of tall women.
In case you don’t know, Miscavige is (was?) the first lady of Scientology, who is (was?) married to its leader David Miscavige. She hasn’t been seen for 11 years.
In comparison Melania is practically as visible as well, Richard Simmons used to be.
If this mystery weren’t happening in his own throne-away-from-home, Donald, King of All Conspiracy Theories, would be all over it like stink on weed tweeting every insane looney rumor that wafted his way.
Instead, he points to an empty window and says, “She’s looking at us right there.” Weird doesn’t begin to describe it.
Somebody call Robert Mueller — quick!
JR. THE TWIT WIT
Donald Trump Jr., The Don Don’s own Fredo, is so clueless that he actually retweeted parts of the anti-Semitic, racist Twitter rants that got Roseanne Barr kicked to the far side of the curb by ABC.
The retweet included the horrific lie that Holocaust survivor and Democratic donor George Soros is a Nazi who “turned in his fellow Jews.” Junior issued a boiler-plate celebrity apology.
The tweets got Roseanne canned. His retweets did not derail his so-called career.
But how do you get canned if your job is working for daddy’s trust — while losing the trust of the country? It’s like calling Fredo’s banishment to Las Vegas a business move.
So, either Junior’s already brain dead and nobody noticed (likely) or he, like Roseanne claimed, is another tragic victim of Ambien tweeting.
Or maybe he’s just a barely concealed racist anti-Semite.
Ambien’s manufacturer Sanofi US, tweeted: “While all pharmaceutical treatments have side effects, racism is not a known side effect of any Sanofi medication.”
BEE IS FOR ‘C’
That effect is taught, not swallowed.
Samantha Bee singlehandedly made the “c” word the most endangered word in America when she called Ivanka Trump a “c–t.” On TV yet.
No, I’m not talking about the “c” word she USED—I mean that other “c” word: Civilized.
And you thought that Roseanne-Barr-the-Door had already put the nail in that coffin when she tweeted that Valerie Jarrett, former adviser to President Obama could be the offspring of the Muslim Brotherhood and “Planet of the Apes.”
Both of these female comics—one on the right and the other on the left—were equally ugly, uncivil and uncivilized—proving what many have long feared: The barrier to the bigoted big mouth is gone. They won. We lost.
Barr and Bee are the same—just on opposite sides of the aisle. Just because the bride and groom’s families hate each other doesn’t mean they’re both not horrible.
But hey—in celebrity land, as long as you say you’re sorry after you’ve said the worst thing imaginable, it’s all good. It’s like saying “nothing personal” to someone after you’ve just insulted them personally.
So it wasn’t a surprise that Barr and Bee’s anti-female name calling were followed by the usual fake, finely crafted (or not) apologies: The Ambien made me do it, I didn’t know she was black, I didn’t mean to cross the line, I won’t do it again, I, I, I.
Forget game design, kids—the future is in writing excuses for half-ass celebrities.
Even though ABC rushed to kill “Roseanne,” TBS hasn’t followed suit with Bee’s “Full Frontal.”
Not that the President hasn’t already called for Bee’s head on a cable stake. But the thing is? He, as President of the United States, is the one who made it acceptable to be a publicly ranting racist, misogynistic tweeter and name-calling madman. And last time I checked, he still had his gig. He’s using a double standard to condemn a woman for doing what he’s made a living doing: ugly name calling.
The only sad irony in the Barr and Bee mess is that both highly paid women took the same low road to demean other women as men have always done. And they did this, mind you, in the very year that the #MeToo made it unacceptable for men to do it anymore.
Sure, you’ll say that African-Americans took back their power by taking back the “N-word,” and LGBT people began using the word “queer,” to own their identity in the face of bigotry. But these words were not taken back so they could be used as weapons against each another.
So, no, sorry. No excuses. Calling another woman a “c–t” or “b—h” or “ape” or whatever is not taking back our power. It’s simply using the words that men have used against us, against one other.
As Michelle Wolf was unfairly criticized for saying, while making a perfectly valid point about women betraying other women: “Like, what’s Uncle Tom but for white women who disappoint other white women? Oh, I know. Ann Coulter.”
THIS GUY TALKS OF ETHICS?
Speaking of dumb sons and dumber dads, Charles Kushner, the ex-con father of President Trump’s son-in-law Jared, told real estate trade publication Real Deal that he thinks that federal ethics watchdogs are “jerks” who “can’t get a real job.”
So Charlie, a question: Were you referring to somebody who can’t get a job without his family giving him one, like your son? And are you hating on those annoying ethics watchdogs because your total and breathtaking lack of ethics and criminal acts landed you in the can?
That’s right, folks, now we’re getting ethics advice from an ex-con who once concocted a bizarre blackmail plot to set up his brother-in-law with a hooker and was jailed for campaign finance violations, tax evasion and witness tampering.
It’s like taking dating and marriage advice from Harvey Weinstein.
Kushner also added, “All they want to do is assure that poor, not successful people, go into government. That’s all they want to do.”
After saying that, he nonetheless feebly defended his son for taking a meeting with the finance minister of Qatar three months after Trump took office, saying, “None of us knew the rules of government or what we should do, what we shouldn’t do.”
So the President who surely doesn’t know the rules of government didn’t know how wrong it was to send your astonishingly unqualified rich-boy real-estate heir son to negotiate the peace in the Middle East?
YANKEES HAVE A NEW LEGEND – SHOELESS GLEYBER
You’d figure that if you got paid about a half-million dollars, you’d be able to buy shoes that stay on.
Yankees rookie Gleyber Torres, trying for a triple, tripped instead, running out of his spikes between second and third Friday night and was thrown out at third.
“Torres could learn a thing or two from Joe DiMaggio – the best first-to-third runner in baseball history,” says Hospital for Special Surgery’s Dr. Rock Positano, pro athlete foot specialist and author of “Dinner with DiMaggio.” “Tie the cleats not once but twice, like the nuns taught you in Catholic school!”
