The Immortal Rejoinders of Christopher Hitchens

(tinkling music)

(tower bell ringing)

♫ It was early last September

♫ As near as I remember

♫ I was falling down the street

♫ In drunken pride

♫ When I fell into the gutter

♫ Thinking thoughts I dare not utter

♫ And, a pig came up and lay down by my side

♫ As I lay there in that gutter

♫ Thinking thoughts I dare not utter

♫ A fair young maid came by and she did say

♫ You can tell a man who boozes

♫ By the company he chooses

♫ And, with that the pig got up and walked away

(laughing)

Chris I love you.

Because for years Thank you.

people have been coming out

on talk shows with alcohol and hiding it.

Not you.

Not I.

Sex and drugs don't go half as well as well

as some people believe.

It's very often you're forced to choose.

You freaked me out.

I mean, you got, I mean we're talking about Mother Teresa.

Thieving Albanian dwarf.

Gandhi.

Naked Hindu fundamentalist.

One wouldn't be doing one's job if one didn't itch to prick.

(audience applauding)

[Interviewer] You have to stop in order to get

the applause, yeah so that's the thing.

Oh no, no, not I was just interrupted

by a storm (mumbles).

I think what I mainly live for is contemplating

the misfortunes of other people.

(audience laughing)

That and vindication, being proved repeatedly

and over and over again right when other people were wrong.

(audience laughing)

That does a lot for me.

By the way your side seems to be winning

in public schools at least across America.

Science will beat pseudo-science every time.

You should see the faces, by the way,

of those who think that they are the result

of an intelligent design.

The word is out on the teenage sex thing.

It would be quite difficult to get the toothpaste

back into the tube.

With every 72 virgins that they get in paradise

they also get 72 mothers-in-law, so perhaps,

(laughing)

perhaps in the end... He's making a joke.

The second thing I live for is, if not exactly

passing on my genes, taking part in activities

that might allow those genes to be passed on.

(audience laughing)

I don't see what's so funny.

(audience laughing)

I don't find it amusing at all.

I have, I've been nearly scratched by Mother Teresa.

I've been nearly spanked by Margaret Thatcher.

I could tell you stories.

[Interviewer] Is that alcohol there in front of you?

There are about nine or 10 empty glasses in front of me.

Only two or three of them are mine, I hope that's clear.

Do you know what the definition

of binge drinking now is, by the way?

[Interviewer] No.

Anyone who goes to a party and has four drinks.

That seems like a lot to me.

[Christopher] Oh it does?

Really a lot.

Well, you guys are God's gift for the soft drink industry.

Bill Clinton doesn't inhale, that's all,

he's allergic to smoke.

I wish I could say the same.

[John] Right.

He, um, but he does quite like a brownie and a cookie.

Your audience, which will clap

apparently at anything, is frivolous.

(audience booing)

No, I'm just,

I'm just saying... Fuck you, fuck you.

My own opinion is enough for me and I claim the right

to have it defended against any consensus,

any majority, anywhere, any place, any time.

And, anyone who disagrees with this, can pick a number,

get on line, and kiss my ass.

(audience laughing)

So, that's my take since you asked.

(dramatic music)

And, with that as we all tend to say, I rest my case.

(dramatic music)

(chime ringing) (whooshing)