The Loud House/Season 1season of television series
Lincoln: [marks calendar] It's finally here: the live season finale of the greatest show ever! [to viewers] All right, I know you're probably saying to yourself: "Lincoln, with ten sisters, there's no way you're going to get to watch your favorite show." And you'd be right; every Sunday at eight it's the same thing. [flashback of his sisters fighting over the remote] But tonight, I have a plan.
Lucy [as Lincoln cries]: Sorry, Lincoln, I can't miss my vampires. Edwin is so cold and tormented and mysterious. Sigh...if only he wasn't from another century.
Lincoln: [stops weeping and gets an idea] Another century! That's okay, Lucy. You watch your show on the big color TV. I'll just go watch my show on Dad's crummy old black and white TV.
Lucy: Black and white are my favorite colors.
Lincoln: Yeah, it'll make watching my show a little bit more... spooky!
Lucy: Spooky is also my favorite color.
[Clyde enters the room]
Clyde: Cadet Clyde reporting for duty! [notices Lori] L-L-Lori? Red alert. Red alert. Does not compute. Circuit overload. Must abort mission. [leaves]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] I told you it gets awkward.
Lana: No running in the hallway!
Lincoln: Huh? What are you talking about?
Lola: Lana, is this maggot giving you lip? [writes a ticket]
Lana: We're the new hall monitors at school, so we're practicing at home.
[They stick the ticket to Lincoln's head with gum]
Lola: If we catch you speeding again, you're going downtown! We already locked up Luan for telling bad jokes.
Luan: [in a cardboard jail cell] Hey! Did you hear the one about the thief who stole a calendar? He got twelve months! [laughs] Get it?
Lola: That's five more minutes, Luan!
Lincoln: Okay, okay. I'll walk within the speed limit. I swear."
Lana: NO SWEARING!!
Lincoln: Clyde, what have I done?! I called Lori a [a guitar riff is heard over his voice] when she's actually a [harp strings are heard]!
Lori: [plucking her nose, while talking to Bobby] If you want our couple name to be Lobby, you're going to have to show a little-- [notices Lincoln's letter on the floor] What's this? [picks it up and reads it] "Why Lori is the worst sister ever"?! Bobby, I gotta go. I'm gonna turn Lincoln into a human pretzel! [Lincoln is scratching his head and jumps in shocked as Lori burst out of the bathroom with the letter on her hand showing the letter to him] LINCOLN! WHAT IS THIS?!
Lincoln: Well, it's time to do the official dance of the Loud House: the Running Man! [puts on his new googles and starts to dance away from Lori's wrath]
Lori: WHEN I GET MY HANDS ON YOU, I'M GONNA-- [Luna emerges, censoring Lori's rant of rage with her rock music]
Lynn: [carrying a boy] I found him!
[the Loud sisters surround the boy Lynn is carrying]
Lori: How dare you bully our brother! Only we get to do that.
Lana: [spits the gum right into Lincoln's hand] Smoosh your watermelon lime gum in his hair, Lincoln! [sees Lincoln is too hesitant to do it] Fine. I'll do it.
Lincoln: Wait! Stop! This guy isn't my enemy! Although, thanks to you, he probably will be now.
[The boy growls at him for what he's been put through.]
Lynn: Oh. [kicks the boy out] Why are you still here?
Lana: I can't believe I almost wasted perfectly good gum on him. [takes gum back and chews it]
Lynn: I'll go get another boy. [proceeds to do so]
Lincoln: No! Lynn, stop! It's not even a boy! [Lynn suddenly stops surprised at that fact and the others are perplexed.]
Leni: Is it a dog?
Lincoln: [sighs] It's a girl... [The girls are flabbergasted and gasp to hear the news, but then, all of them except Lisa start squealing with delight.] [perplexed] What? [All the girls except Lisa give him a big group hug and suffocate him.]
Lisa: Normally, I don't care for inane human emotions, but... [squeals just as delighted as they did and joins the hug.]
Luna: Lincoln! Why didn't you tell us you had a girlfriend?
Lola: She sounds so pretty.
Lincoln: [suffocating] What is happening? [The sisters all release Lincoln from their hug.]
Lori: When a girl picks on you, that only ever means one thing: she likes you~. [The girls all squeal again and Lincoln is just completely dumbfounded at this explanation.]
Lincoln: [Disbelieving] That's ridiculous! She shoved a sandwich down my pants! I was picking sesame seeds out of my butt for days! [The girls swoon over such a non flirty prank.]
Leni: So romantic...
Lori: That's a classic.
Lincoln: [getting mad] You guys are nuts! She hates me! I'm gonna meet her today and give her a piece of my mind!
Lori: You need to give her a piece of your heart instead.
Lincoln: [scared] WHAT?!
Leni: I think he needs to kiss her. [Lily makes kissy faces in agreement.]
Lincoln: [petrified] What?!
Sisters: KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER![At that moment, as the girls continue chanting Lincoln to kiss his bully, they all start forming miniature tornadoes around them and merge together to create the Sisternado; a weather warning pops up with the tornadoes taking over Lincoln's space.]
SISTERNADO RED ALERT
Lincoln: This just in from the National Weather Service! The Sisternado watch has been upgraded to a Sisternado warning. Take cover immediately!
Sisternado: KISS HER! KISS HER! [traps Lincoln inside] KISS HER! KISS HER! [Lincoln escapes and runs into the bathroom to seek shelter and picks up his radio.]
Lincoln: Mayday! Mayday! Clyde, do you copy?
Clyde: Roger. I mean, this is Clyde, not Roger. But yeah. Roger, it's Clyde.
Lincoln: [panicking] My sisters have lost their minds! They think the bully likes me! They want me to kiss her!
Clyde: I don't know. Maybe they're right, Lincoln.
Lincoln: My sisters are never right! All they do is meddle.
Clyde: They're girls, Lincoln. They know more about these things than we do. It's a scientific fact.
Lincoln: Yeah, but there's no way that- [suddenly starts considering the possibility] Wow. Me? You really think she might like me? How would I know?
Clyde: There's only one way to find out.
[Lincoln goes out to confront the Sisternado.]
Sisternado: KISS HER! KISS HER! KISS HER!
Lincoln: Hold it! [The Sisternado comes to a stop and the sisters turn back to normal.] So am I going to kiss this girl or what? [smirks][The girls and Lisa squeal again.]
Lisa: Again... [squeals again]
[Lincoln steps back inside with a black eye and now incredibly furious at his sisters.]
Luna: Sorry, buddy. Our bad.
Luan: Well, at least, you gave it a shot.
Lynn: I'll get some ice for that shiner.
Lisa: X-ray machine, stat.
Leni: I'm really sorry, Lincoln.
[The girls all try to apologize to Lincoln for their meddling, which he is through hearing.]
Lincoln: [infuriated] QUIET! Every time you guys butt into my life, you make things worse! Well, guess what - NEVER AGAIN!NO... MORE... MEDDLING!! [walks to his room and slams the door in rage as his sisters stand there feeling guilty]
Clyde: You can't get pulverized, Lincoln! I'd never be able to find another best friend!
Lincoln: You won't have to. After I win the trophy on Friday, I'll just delete the video.
Clyde: [hugs his best friend] Just in case...we had a good run, buddy.
Lincoln: Don't worry, Clyde. My sisters will never know.
[But just as he opens the door, his sisters are right there, and they are all very grumpy; Lori is holding her cell phone with the video on it]
Clyde: They know.
[The sisters rant about Lincoln's video]
Lincoln: Wait, wait, wait! Let me explain!
Lori: You've got exactly three seconds before we pulverize you!
(Lynn cracks her knuckles, and Lisa starts her stopwatch)
Lincoln: There was this video contest at my school and I really wanted to win it.
Lola: You showed my sleep face for some stupid contest?!
Lincoln: I just wanted a trophy to put in the case like you guys.
Luna: You think you deserve a trophy for that, bro?
Lincoln: No. I don't deserve it. Look! I'll delete the video!
Lucy: Too late, Lincoln. The damage has already been done.
Lynn: You made me look like a fool!
Lucy: You made me look like a freak.
Lori: You made me look like I fart! (the other nine sisters turn around and walk up to their rooms) And for the record, it was these shoes! See? (tries to make it look like they were making the farting noise but fails) Of course it's not working now.
Lincoln: Lori, i'm sorry! Wait!
Lincoln: Luna, let me explain!
Luna: [drowning Lincoln out with heavy metal frustration] Can't hear ya, bro! [slams her door]
Lincoln: Leni, Lori, I'm sorry!
Lori: You literally disgust me.
Leni: Yeah! [walks into the wall and gets dragged in by Lori]
Lincoln: Lola, Lana, Please!
Lola: You are uninvited to my birthday party forever! [slams the door]
Lana: I wanna slam it, too! [does so]
Lincoln: [knocks on Lisa's door] Lisa! Lisa? [note under the door] "Vengeance shall be mine." [to Lynn and Lucy] Guys, come on! I'm your brother!
[Lynn growls crossly]
Lucy: I have no brother. [starts to close the door then opens it] I know I say that a lot, but this time... I mean it. [slams door]
Lincoln: Luan, you gotta help me! I was only doing what you said!
Luan: You broke the unspoken rule: never post a video without the person's permission!
Lincoln: Why didn't you tell me that?
Luan: Because it's unspoken. [slams door]
Lincoln: [sighing] Ahhh... How am i going to fix this?
[Outside the Loud House, Lincoln comes back depressed]
Lincoln: I sure hope that worked. [opens the door only to find out that his sisters are STILL grumpy] It didn't work.
Lori: [sternly] Lincoln...
Lincoln: [apologetically] I know I embarrassed you and I can't undo it, and I'm sorry, but the least I could do was embarrass myself right along with you, that way we'd all be even!
Lynn: Even? You think this makes us even?
Lincoln: Well, I was trying to-
Lynn: Yours was way worse!
Lori: [cheerfully] Yeah! That video was hysterical!
[The girls surround Lincoln and ensure him that they forgive him]
Lincoln: So, we're good?
Lucy: We're good...brother.
Luan: Sorry you didn't win the trophy.
Lori: But we really appreciate what you did and thought you deserved something. [hands him a tiny trophy]
Lincoln: Wow. Thanks, guys.
[Lola and Lynn hug him and Luna pats him on the head; he runs to the case and places the trophy in his spot]
Lincoln: Most Improved Brother. [to the viewers] I did it. My sisters no longer despise me, Cristina's switching classes, and I finally made the case.
[Another flatulent sound occurs and the other girls look at Lori suspiciously]
Lori: It was my shoe!
Lincoln: Okay, first, fasten your seat belt.
[Lola puts her beauty pageant sashes on them to simulate the seat belts]
Leni: That was easy.
Lincoln: Next, check your mirrors.
Leni: Why?! Do I look bad?!
Lincoln: No no no! No! I meant-
Leni: Stop the car! I can't drive in this hideous condition! [comes back now wearing a helmet] That's better.
Lincoln: [sighs] Lesson 12: Avoiding road hazards. There's a squirrel in the road. What do you do?
[Lily, in a squirrel costume, speaks squirrel language]
: This is a brake pedal. What does the brake pedal do? [beat]
White shoes after Labor Day
: Ew, stop!Lincoln
: Exactly. This is the gas pedal. What does the gas pedal do? [beat]
Boots from the 60's.Leni
Lincoln: [drinking lemonade] Ah, Friday night. You survived another week of school. Now it's time to kick back, forget your troubles, and crack open a brand new video game. [gets out a copy of Super Mega Brawlers Turbo Fighter and smells it.] Love that new game smell. [Suddenly picks up another scent; one that worries him] Wait a minute. [sniffs again] Is that...Oh no!
[Soon, his sisters start picking up the scent as well]
Lucy: Sniff. Sniff.
Lincoln: Mom's expensive perfume. Which can only mean one thing. [checks the calendar and finds out what tonight is...] Date night! Which can only mean one other thing!
Rita: Lori's in charge, do what she says, bye! [leaves]
Lincoln: NOOOOOOOOO! She gets a sick thrill from bossing us around! In this house, we call her the Queen of-
Lori: [from upstairs] NO! [unplugs Luna's amplifiers] NO MUSIC! [tosses Lana's mud pie in the trash] NO MUD PIES! [approaches Leni who's talking on the phone] NO-
Leni: Way! That's totes cray cray.
Lori: [hangs up Leni's call] No phone calls. AND NO VIDEO GAMES! [takes away Lincoln's game]
[Lincoln gathers all his sisters (except Lori) into his room for a meeting]
Lola: This better be good. You know how much trouble we'll be in if Lori finds out we're not in our rooms?
Lincoln: Rooms? More like prison cells! Every time Lori's left in charge, she makes our lives miserable. Well, I say no more! It's time to take back our Friday nights! Luna, do you like it when Lori unplugs your amp mid-jam?
Luna: It's WAY harsh.
Lincoln: And Lana, how about when Lori throws out your mud pies?
Lana: I work hard on those!
Lincoln: And Lily, what about when Lori won't let you run around naked? [Lily takes off her diaper and blows a raspberry in protest] Then let's do something about it!
Sisters (except Lori): YEAH!
Lori: [sees Lily playing] Lily? What are you-
[Just then, there are some creaks and Lori notices that the others are right behind her; they tackle her and she screams for help; just then, it's revealed that they tied her up to a chair.]
Lori: [furious] Hey! What is going on?
Lincoln: Your power trip is over! We're taking back our Friday nights!
Lori: Power trip?
Lincoln: Just admit it. You get a sick thrill out of bossing us around.
[The other sisters concur]
Lori: You think I enjoy this?! Unfortunately, I'm the only one who can keep this house from ending up in a pile of rubble! It's not like any of you could do it.
Lana: Yuh-huh. Lincoln could.
Lincoln: [surprised] I could?
Loud siblings: WE'RE THINKIN' LINCOLN! WE'RE THINKIN' LINCOLN!
[Lincoln and Lori are flabbergasted at this]
Lori: [condescendingly] Lincoln in charge? Ha! He couldn't lead Cliff to the litter box.
[Cliff is right next to his little box and suddenly goes right on the carpet.]
Lincoln: Oh yeah? Challenge accepted! [takes the whistle] Take her away!
[the other sisters carry her to her room]
Lori: You won't last five minutes! [laughs maniacally]
Lincoln: [shuts the door] Lola, guard this door. No one goes in, no one comes out.
[Lola nods in agreement and gets a Golf club to guard the door while dressing up as a security guard]
Lincoln: Say goodbye to the Queen of No... [tosses whistle on the floor] ...and hello to the King of Yes!
Lori: Lincoln in charge? Ha! He couldn't lead Cliff to the litter box.
[Cliff is right next to his litter box, but goes on the fireplace instead]
Lincoln: [irked] Oh, really, Cliff?! [gets steamed up; unplugs Luna's amps] No guitar playing... [takes Lana's food] ...no food fights... [stops Lynn from riding her bike in the house] ...no dirt bikes, and no science experiments! [takes Lisa's beakers and tosses them, causing an explosion]
[The others aren't too happy with Lincoln suddenly changing his mind]
Lynn: Who do you think you are? Lori?
[They all start laughing at him and go back to enjoying their Friday night]
Lincoln: No. I'm not. [realizing] Lori!
Lynn Sr.: [holding his broken golf club] Aahhh! What happened to my golf club?! [Lori and Lincoln look at each other in shock that they forgot something and are gonna get it]
Jaron: Every seat in Vanzilla offers one kind of torture or another.
Lincoln: The back row is so far away from Mom and Dad, that it turns into the wild, wild west.
[Flashback; Lola and Lana look at each other angrily while Lincoln is seen with a comic book and soda between them]
Lola: Stop looking at me.
Lana: You stop looking at me!
[Lola and Lana fight near Lincoln; The fight stops shortly with Lincoln looking messy]
Lincoln: Come on! We haven't even left the driveway yet!
Lincoln: [rolls down the window'] Hey, guys. What's up?
Lola: What are you up to, Lincoln?
Lincoln: [acting] Me? I'm not up to anything. Just, you know, catching some Z's in the car like guys do.
Lori: [livid] Oh yeah? Then what's...THIS?
[They show Lincoln his seating chart, having found out about his operation]
Lincoln: [infuriated] What the... You went in my room?!
Lori: That's not the hot issue right now.
Lana: What's the Sweet Spot? And why are you in it?
Lincoln: Oh, it's, uh...it's the worst seat in the whole car! I put myself in it so none of you would have to suffer.
Lucy: Then why is it called the Sweet Spot?
Lincoln: Because I'm being sweet?
Lisa: [calculating on the trunk door] According to my calculations, the Sweet Spot is actually the best seat in the car for various reasons including air circulation, proximity to parental units, and the lack of chewable adhesive on the cushion.
Lincoln: [outraged] It took me eight months to figure that out! [He headpalms in frustration, as his sisters glare angrily at him]
Lori: Well, if that's the best seat, then I should get it. [Look down at her siblings] I'm the oldest.
Luna: You just barf all over it, dude! I should have it!
Lola: Beauty before age!
Lana: [retorts] Yeah! So I should get it!
Luna: That seat belongs to me!
Leni: No! I want it!
Lincoln: You can yell all you want, but I'm already in the seat. And possession is 9/10 of the law.
Lynn: [threatening] You're gonna possess a bruise in a minute!
[The girls all glare at Lincoln, demanding him to hand over the Sweet Spot]
Lana: Get him!
[Lincoln ducks down, rolls up the window, and locks the door, before they can attack and thinks he's safe; His sisters angrily yell at him, as he stares at them and laughs in triumph, but to Lincoln's shock, Luan opens a door and is peeved]
Lincoln: [laments] Dang it. I forgot about the broken lock.
[Luan immediately decks Lincoln and both of them are brawling, Luna joins in and the rest as well.]
Lincoln: Let go of me!
[They all start fighting over the Sweet Spot at an intense level that causes everyone in the neighborhood to wake up over the commotion; A light goes on from upstairs; Rita is there]
Rita: [from Lori and Leni's room] THAT IS ENOUGH! [The kids stop fighting] Everyone, back to their rooms this minute! I don't wanna see anyone in that car until 7:00 AM! [rolls window down and turns off light; the girls exit Vanzilla back into the house]
Lori: Good luck getting the Sweet Spot now.
[The girls laugh at him and Lincoln growls at the situation in anger and punches the car only to wince in pain from it; He covers his mouth to silence himself then runs back in his room]
Lincoln: [panicking] This is bad! I can't lose that seat! [peeks out of his room to see his sisters doing the same]
Lynn: Don't even think about it, Lincoln. I'm watching you.
Lori: Well, I'm watching you.
Lola: And I'm watching you!
Lana: And I'm watching you!
Lynn Sr.: [crying over the destruction of Vanzilla caused by the siblings fighting over the best seat of Vanzilla] That was my first car, and my dad's first car, and his dad's first car!
Rita: Alright, everyone, back inside! The road trip is off! You're all going to spend this weekend sitting together in the living room until you learn to get along!
A Tale of Two Tables (4.2) Lana
: Hey, Lincoln, do you like seafood? [sticks his tongue out to show chewed food]
See? Food. Bleh!Lola
: Hey, Lucy! [puts fries on outside of her mouth as if they were vampire fangs]
I vant to suck your blood!
Lincoln: Ahh! Can I just have my dinner in peace?
Lana: Did you say "peas"?
Lincoln: Beans, beans, the musical fruit, the more you eat, the more you- [flatulence]
Lynn Sr.: Lincoln Loud, that is enough!
Lori: [arguing with Bobby on the phone] Fine! If you don't wanna wear the tux, then I don't wanna go to the dance! In fact, I DON'T EVEN WANNA GO TO SCHOOL! [screams in frustration and walks off]
Lincoln: So close. Wait! [his other siblings follow] No, no, no, everyone stay right where you are! Lori, wait! [upstairs] You're the only one who can drive us!
Lori: GET MOM TO DRIVE YOU! [shuts herself in her room]
Lincoln: But she's already left!
Leni: [screams] I'M BLUE! MY SKIN'S TURNED BLUE!
Lisa: Technically, it's a shallow shade of cerulean, but why split hairs?
Lincoln: Lisa, what did you do?
Lisa: I secretly switched Leni's blemish cream for an experimental skin pigmentation ointment I've been working on.
Lincoln: Why would you do that?!
Lisa: Because she wouldn't let me try it on her if I had asked.
Lincoln: You go upstairs right now and get something to fix it!
Lisa: Fine. Hairless apes: one, science: zero.
Lisa: [with a first aid ointment] Here's the antidote.
Lincoln: Thank you! [suspicious] Wait a second...
[He tests it on Walt the bird, who suddenly puffs up like a blimp]
Lincoln: [annoyed] The real antidote?
Lisa: Fine. Hairless apes: two, science: zero. [gives him the actual antidote and goes to the car]
Lincoln: [hands it to a relieved Leni] Here.
Lucy: [reads one of her poems] Failure. It's all your fault, this streak of bad luck. No escape from this cycle in which you are stuck.
Lincoln: Stop! I've got a poem for you now, it's called "Lucy"! Dark as night, hair like tar. Take your spooky self to the car.
Lucy: Sigh. Once again, your poetic brilliance has put me to shame.
[the Loud sisters complain about their vacation campsite]
Lynn: That place is the worst! Bears always steal our food!
[Lily roars like a bear]
Leni: And we have to sleep on the hard ground!
Lola: And poop in the woods!
Lana: I like pooping in the woods.
[Lincoln runs out of his room screaming in pain from sunburn]Lincoln
: News flash: giving me a sunburn is NOT the way to win my vote!Lori
: Huh? [peels the label from the sunscreen bottle]
: avoid contact with skin"?! This has Lisa written all over it!Leni
: So, that's
how you spell "Lisa"?
[flashback: Lola tries to apply mascara when a frog croaks from behind her and makes her mess up]
Lana: Aw, you're a burpy-durpy today! Isn't he the cutest?
Lola: [chuckling menacingly under a wicked grin] So cute...
Lana: [about to feed the frog] Who's hungry? [notices he's missing] Seymour? Where'd you go? [sees Lola whistling and carrying a shovel] Nooo!! [end flashback]
Lana: I mean I can't prove she took out Seymour, but I never saw him again.
Lola: [comes into Lincoln's room] Lincoln, is this too much mascara? Be honest. It's super-super-super important!
Lincoln: [having muted Lola out] Ahh... I couldn't agree more!
Lola: [confused] Agree with what?
Lincoln: Right back at ya!
Lola: Okay, you're weird.
[Lincoln goes up to Lynn and Lucy's room where the other girls are listening; Lynn and Lucy are having a fight]
Lynn: You're always Miss Gloom and Doom! Like, would it kill you to smile once in a while?!
Lucy: It would.
Lincoln: What's going on?
Lori: Lucy and Lynn are going at it. Again.
Luan: I'd make a joke about fighting, but I can't think of a good punchline. [laughs] Get it? Get it?
Lisa: [recording] Human subjects seem to be proving Charles Darwin correct.
Leni: I can't bare to watch! [puts cucumber slices over her facial mask] That's better.
[A jock strap comes flying out of the room and the others duck in time to avoid it]
Lori: I'd hate to get in the middle of this one.
Lincoln: I totally agree.
Lincoln: Hey, Lynn. What's up?
Lynn: There's no way I'm staying in the same room with the Duchess of Darkness. Can I bunk in your bedroom tonight?
Lincoln: Uh...I'd say yes, but it's not really a bedroom, per se. There's barely enough space for me; tiny, small, cramped.
Lynn: [downtrodden] Ugh...I guess I'll just go sleep in the bathtub.
Lincoln: That's a great idea! Problem solved. Goodnight.
[Right before he closes the door, Lynn makes a sad baby doll eyed face]
Lincoln: [relieved] Aah... [guiltily sighs and opens the door] All right, you can stay. But just for one night.
Lynn: Thanks, Lincoln! [busts out fist]
Lincoln: [flinches] Ah!
Lynn: Two for flinching! [playfully punches his arm twice and goes in, laughing]
Lincoln: [as Lynn fiddles with objects in his room] Let's just set this down. Careful! Please don't! [Lynn tosses his toy rabbit Bun-Bun into the air] Bun-Bun! [catches him] You okay? Did the mean girl hurt you?
Lynn: You know, I'm noticing a complete lack of balls in this room. [Lincoln frowns awkwardly] No soccer balls, no footballs, no baseballs - no balls! Good thing I brought my own! [pours a pile of sports balls out of her pillow case]
[Lynn, in bed with Lincoln, lets out a big fart from under the covers and laughs]Lincoln
: Ugh. Lynn!Lynn
: [pulls the covers over Lincoln] Dutch oven
! [laughs sadistically as Lincoln cries out; sets him free as he breathes heavily]
Lynn: What a great night's sleep. You look terrible. [Lincoln starts pushing her] Hey!
Lincoln: Thank you for staying at Chateau Lincoln, where we have a one night maximum stay. Thank you. [pushes her back into her own room and goes into his; but off in the distance...]
Lucy: What are you doing here?
Lynn: What am I doing here? [gets kicked out]
Lucy: Get out.
Lynn: What do you mean "get out"? Fine! I'll just stay in Lincoln's room again! He's a way cooler roomy, anyway! [goes back in Lincoln's room]
Lincoln: But- [Lynn closes the door] Lucy! Please make up with Lynn!
Lucy: I'd rather wear pink.
Lincoln: But- [Lucy closes the door and Lincoln sighs]
[Lynn and Lucy grab some spaghetti and start to fight with it]
[they start fighting for amusement and laughing, and Lincoln joins in]
Lori: Welp, I'm outskies.
Luan: Yeah, it's way pasta our bedtime.
Lincoln: I've figured out the perfect present for Mom and Dad! [holds up camera] Ta-da!
Lana: You're giving them Dad's old camera?
Lola: Wow, you are cheap!
Lincoln:What? No, not the camera; a photograph of all of us!
Lori: Why use that old thing when you can just use a cellphone?
Lincoln: Because that would be like painting the Mona Lisa with a crayon.
[The girls are offended by Lincoln making them look normal]
Lori: So, that's what this is all about! You don't like us the way we are.
Lincoln: Well you see, that is to say--
Lori: Okay, guys, let's all put on perfect smiles for Lincoln's perfect picture, because heaven forbid we be our actual literal selves!
Lola: Lincoln, you bonehead! You gave them the wrong picture!
Lori: Yep! I knew you'd blow this, too.
Lincoln: No, I gave them the right one. The one that shows the real you. The perfect you.
Girls: [They embrace Lincoln in gratitude and happiness.] Aww! Thank you, Lincoln!
Lincoln: See? You guys couldn't last ten minutes without doing your annoying things!
Lori: We could last longer than you!
Lincoln: I bet you couldn't!
Lola: Oh, really? Care to make it a little more interesting? [hops onto the couch crest, and walks back and forth.] If we can stop doing our things longer than you can stop doing yours, then you have to give up reading in your underwear... [raises her fist] FOREVER!
Lori, Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana and Lisa: YEAH!
Lincoln: Hold it! What's in it for me?
Lola: If you win, we'll never complain about your butt cooties again.
Luna: [yells in a British accent into a phone] Hand over the bleeedin tickets, mate! [Lincoln opens the curtains to out Luna] Herdie-verdie? [buzzer]
Lola: [eyes beneath hair] You may have outlasted those amateurs, but now you've gotta deal with a real professional! [dramatic spotlight is cast on Lola, revealing that her face is messy]
Lincoln: I won't give up for the sake of all things comfortable! [snaps the seat of the leggings, causing him pain] Ugh, gotta do something about these pants.
[Lincoln finally jumps in, but the lifeguard blows her whistle and catches Lincoln with a skimmer]
Lifeguard: Loud family, out!
[the Loud kids leave the pool]
Lori: But we were just having fun.
Lifeguard: Fecal incidents are not fun.
[people in hazmat suits scrub the walls of the emptied pool to get rid of Lily's "poo-poo"]
[The girls are having a pool party right in their backyard while Lily is streaking]
Lincoln: [chasing her with her diaper] Lily! No skinny dipping! [gets splashed by Lynn and sees Lisa adding some kind of chemical] Lisa! No! What do you think you're doing?
Lisa: Testing sanitation levels. I've concocted a special serum that will detect and eliminate urine, AKA tinkle, in H2O.
Lincoln: I'm sure no one here would...
[Lisa adds the serum, which vaporizes the water into a pink smoke within seconds, revealing that her older sisters somehow tinkled in the pool]
Lisa: Hmm... unprecedented levels.
Lincoln: Hey, Lana, you wanna try half of my peanut butter and sauerkraut sandwich?
Lana: I eat some grody things, but that is disgusting. [sniffs it and retches; runs to the bathroom]
Leni: Help! [Lori and Lincoln rush to her rescue and see her in Lily's crib] Oh, thank goodness. I got in here to show Lily my fashion magazine, but now I can't get out of this baby prison! [bawls like a baby, so Lincoln and Lori help her out] Agoo.
[Lily is having a tea party with Lola]
Lola: More tea, Lady Lilington?
Lana: She doesn't wanna have a dumb tea party. She wants to play with Izzy! [puts Izzy on Lily's head]
Lola: No she doesn't!
Lana: Yes she does!
Lola: No she doesn't!
Lana: Yes she does!
Luna: Dudes, give her back! We were in the middle of a jam sesh!
Lisa: She was my specimen!
Lucy: We were talking to Great Grandma Harriet.
Lynn: We were playing ball!
Luan: We were getting ready to take our show on the road!
Leni: We were gonna look at my magazines!
Lori: We were watching Dylan's date!
Lucy: BT-dubs, Lori, Great-Grandma Harriet knows you regifted her brooch, and she's not happy about it.
[Lori instantly looks regretful]
Lola and Lana: GIVE US BACK LILY!
Lola: [barges in with a makeup kit] Princess Makeover Time! [sees Lincoln's friend Liam] Ooh, a new toad! [she gives him a full makeover against his will, and Liam runs out the house]
Liam: Huh? Aah! I look like my MeeMaw!
Lola: Some people just don't appreciate beauty. I made your eyes pop, kid!
Lori: Okay, who wants pizza bites?
Clyde: Abort, abort, system shutting down.
Leni: Sheesh! Are there peanuts in everything?!
Lori: [sees Leni with her tanktop] Is that my shirt?! Take it off!
Leni: I can't. [pointing to Mr. Coconuts] There are boys here!
[Mr. Coconuts raises his eyebrows and Luan covers his eyes]
Luan: Ah, coconuts!
[overhears another conversation between his parents from the vent]
Lynn Sr.: Whaddaya ya mean we got a bun in the oven?!
Lincoln: [gasps] You guys! [runs off to tell his sisters]
Lynn Sr.: You know I'm gluten free!
Lincoln: Sometimes in life, you just gotta take chances. You know what they say: no risk, no re-wha!
Clyde: What's a "re-wah"?
Lincoln: [notices the bike is missing] My bike! It's gone!
Clyde: [to his mannequin] Manny! You were supposed to watch the bikes!
Lori: See, Lincoln? We all have to deal with hand-me-downs; we just learned to make the best of them.
Lincoln: You don't have to deal with them, you're the oldest!
Lori: Are you kidding me? This isn't really a tank top! It's literally the top of Mom's old girdle!
[the other Loud sisters are disgusted]
Sleuth or Consequences (10.2)
[Lincoln shuffles deck of cards with pictures of his sisters on onto his desk]
Lincoln: One of you is the perp, but which one?
Lucy: [comes out of nowhere] Hey, Linc. [scares Lincoln] I might have a tip for you.
Lincoln: Really? Wait. Why do you wanna help?
Lucy: I don't care about being grounded. My life is just an endless mental prison, anyway. But it's not fair that you have to miss your thing.
Lynn: Woohoo! My team did it! We're number one! [diarrhea] Ooh! Time for Number 2! [hurries to the bathroom]
Lana: Dad! I think we're gonna need Big Bertha again!
Lincoln: [he and Charles see that Lisa's room is a mess] Yikes. I better go tell Lisa.
[Lincoln's imagination: Lisa observes the damage in a dark, stylized environment]
Lisa: [turning red with anger, with her teeth sharpened] You've... COMPLETELY DESTROYED MY LIFE'S WORK! I DESPISE YOU, AND YOU NO LONGER EXIST TO ME![a wall of fire burns in the background behind her, along with a cultist choir]
[Lori looks over a hole in the wall causes by the explosion, which leads to the closet in her's and Leni's room]
Leni: [poking her head through] Hi, Lori! Have we always had a window in our closet?
Lori: Ugh, it's not a window. Lisa's experiment blew a hole in the wall. [notices a picture frame peeking out from the other side] What's this? [sees that the frame contains a signed photo of Bobby] "To my bodacious babe?" [to Leni, angrily] Leni, why is this picture of Bobby hidden on your side of the closet?!
Leni: Oh, there is it is! That was a surprise present from Bobby for your 88-day-iversary. He asked me to hide it for him, but I forgot where I put it.
Lori: [super annoyed] That anniversary was eight days ago, and Bobby gave me socks! [chucks the photo away in anger] I can't believe this! You're literally seeing Bobby behind my back! [storms out of the room, grumpily] YOU ARE NO LONGER MY SISTER!
Lincoln: [walks in with a nervous smile] Everything okay after that unexpected and totally random explosion that I know nothing about?
[Lynn enters home in an extremely outraged mood, screams loudly, and pounds the wall with her fist, hyperventilating]
Lincoln: [walks up to her] What are you so upset about?
Lynn: I just got kicked off all my sports teams because I'm failing school!
Lincoln: How could you fail? Doesn't Lisa tutor you?
Lynn: She used to, until she dropped out and got a job as a gas station attendant at Flip's Food & Fuel.
Lincoln: She WHAT?!
Lynn: UGH, WITHOUT SPORTS, MY LIFE IS MEANINGLESS! [kicks her soccer ball hard, forcing Lincoln to duck down and brace himself]
Lola: [walks down the stairs, announcing] I present to you, your new Miss Cute and-- [the ball hits her in the face] OH, MY NOSE! [looks in the mirror and sees it’s severely swollen; gasps in despair] I am a hideous...monster.
Lincoln: It's not that bad, Lola.
Lola: MY PAGEANT CAREER IS OVER! [runs up the stairs, and trips and falls on her face when she reaches the top] OH, MY TEETH! [sobs]
Luna: [on news footage; sitting on her knees, screaming in rage in a British accent amidst the wreckage of her hotel room] ALL I WANTED WAS A BLEEDING PILLOW MINT!
Luan: [on news footage; chained to a giant redwood tree, while onlookers record her; chanting] Hey-hey, ho-ho! Keep your hands off, let it grow!
Lincoln: Boy, am I glad that nightmare's over. [hears a bicycle bell outside, looks out and sees Lori and Clyde riding a tandem bike dragging a string of cans and a sign reading "JUST MARRIED"] (Except that one.) Ahh!
Lincoln: What can I do? In a family this big, our eco-footprint is a size 18 triple wide. We use a lot of electricity...fossil fuels..water...aerosols...non-biodegradables...and did I mention electricity? We gotta reduce our eco-footprint. Hopefully, I can get my sisters on board. [his sisters are all complaining in annoyance] Or not. Time to pull out the big guns.
Lincoln: [showing Lori all her tablets] You don't need all of these devices.
Lori: Yes I do. Bobby and I like to admire each other from multiple angles.
Bobby: Hey, Lincoln! Hola from France! [stands next to the Mona Lisa]
Lori: [suspicious] Who is that girl? And why is she smiling at you?
Bobby: Babe, that's the Mona Lisa.
Lincoln: We are in the green! Let's do this!
[As the boys are about to play, a stinky odor hits the basement]
Lance: Pee-yew! What stinks?
[The TV goes off, revealing the sisters furiously unplugged it, and they’re all wearing nothing but stinky potato sacks over their bodies and bandages on their feet]
Lori: GAME OVER, Lincoln!
Lincoln: It's not what it looks like! [seeing he still has the controller in his hand and hides it behind his back, nervously smiling]
Lori: We're up there making all these sacrifices, and you're down here playing some stupid computer game?!
Lincoln: OK, so maybe it is what it looks like.
Lynn: If you don't wanna give anything up, why should we?
Lincoln: But... but... [shows poster] Polar bear?
[The sisters start to feel remorse again, but this time, they snap out of it]
Lola: Aww... Wait a minute, you can't use that on US anymore!
Lori: Come on, girls. Let's go get our stuff back.
Leni: [holding up her glass of air] And a refill!
Clyde: Don't worry, Lincoln. I'll still hang out with you. In secret, of course.
Lincoln: It's not about that, Clyde. I don't care if the class hates me. What I should have cared about all along was... [shows poster] this guy.
Clyde: [gushes over the cub almost as much as he gushes over Lori] Aww...
Lincoln: Exactly. Our class has done their part. My sisters have done theirs. Now it's time for me to do mine.
Mrs. Johnson: Amazing work, class. We won the polar bear challenge. And I took the liberty of naming him... Mrs. Johnson!
Students: [aghast and complaining] Mrs. Johnson?!
Mrs. Johnson: Let's all give Lincoln a round of applause for stepping up his green game and doing his part.
[The kids cheer for Lincoln]
Lincoln: Well, I saved the polar bear, and I'm not an outcast. Though, technically speaking... my social life is out the window. [standing outside the school wreaking severely from powering the generator yesterday, starts rubbing with a scented towelette and sees his class staring at him] Do you mind?! I'm showering! [closes the blinds]
Along Came a Sister (12.1)
Mrs. Johnson: Now, Lincoln, this is a major responsibility. Frank needs to be fed twice a day, and under no circumstances should he be let out of his cage. [chuckling to herself] Unlike me this weekend...
[The kids glance awkwardly at each other]
Leni: Oh, I need milk.
[She opens the fridge, where Frank happens to be on the milk bottle]
Lisa: Wait! [slams fridge shut] You're lactose intolerant!
Leni: No, I'm not. I'm tolerant of everyone, whether they lack toes or not.
Leni: [Frank plops right onto her glass] Ha! Nice try, Luan, but I'm not falling for another one of your fake spiders, though this one looks pretty real. [Frank blinks] AAAAH! SPIDER! [busts out the bug spray]
non-Leni Loud kids: Nooo!
Leni: [unleashes a massive spray cloud and runs off] WORST SURPRISE PARTY EVER!
Lincoln: I'll miss you, Frank, but I'm glad things are gonna be back to normal around here.
Leni: [brushing her hair] 20. 21. 22. 23.
[it is revealed that Frances laid her egg sac in the vents; the babies hatch and scurry into Leni's room]
Leni: AAAAAAAAAH! SPIDERS!
Luna: So, what'a ya think, Chunk?
Chunk: It stinks.
Luna: Way harsh, dude.
Chunk: Not the song, your room. Chunk's gotta blow. [leaves]
[The doorbell rings; Lincoln answers it]
Reporter: Hi, we're from the Miss Cute N' Mean pageant, here to do a behind the scenes interview with Miss Lola Loud.
Lola: [singing as she comes down in her trash-themed ensemble] Here she is! The next Cute N' Mean! [fart]
Reporter: Ew! More like Miss Gross N' Gnarly! Interview over! [the crew leaves]
Lincoln: Hang on, Lily! I'm coming! [dives into laundry flooding the basement, but starts to "drown"] So...much...underwear!
Lori: [pulling him out] Yeah, and that's just Dad's.
For Bros About to Rock (13.1)
[As Lincoln heads out of his room, he yelps because he sees that his sisters except Luna are standing right in front of him, and they push him back inside, and quickly barricade the door]
Lisa: Simmer down and listen up!
Lori: We overheard your conversation, and we're here to warn you.
Lola: Do not let Luna know that you're going to your first concert. She'll insist on going with you!
Lincoln: What? Why?
Lynn: I don't know, cause she's nuts? But she's done it to all of us.
Lori: Yeah. And when she goes, she gets way too excited and literally ruins everything. There was my first Boyz Will Be Boyz concert.
[Flashback to Lori's first concert as Boyz Will Be Boyz performs]
Boyz Will Be Boyz Singer: [singing] Ooh, girl! / If I could... / Ooh, girl! / Give you the...
[In the audience, Lori is sobbing over their music and Luna is bored]
Lori: [in tears] I LOVE YOU!
Luna: Come on, people! Where's your energy? [hops around into a concert attendant whose drink goes flying onto the control panel and kills the lights]
Boyz Will Be Boyz Singer: [flatly] Ooh, girl...
Lola: And our first Blarney the Dinosaur concert.
[Flashback to Lola and Lana's first concert as Blarney performs]
Blarney: [singing] Moo goes the cow / Oink goes the pig / Watch me do me Irish jig!
Luna: Come on, guys! CROWD SURF! [leaps onto some kids and crushes them, then leaps onto and crushes Lola and Lana]
Lisa: And my first opera.
[Flashback to Lisa's first opera as a Valkyrie wails and Luna suddenly rushes on stage]
Luna: CHECK IT, LIS! STAGE DIVE! [dives into the orchestra pit, causing the fat lady to sing and fall in with her]
Lincoln: Oh man. I can't let Luna find out about SMOOCH.
[a cop disguised as a scalper gives Lincoln and Clyde tickets]Lincoln and Clyde
: We're in! [they are handcuffed]Cop
: You're in alright: "in"-carcerated!Clyde
: Are those good seats?Cop
: Buying Culver’s
is illegal. Let's go, hooligans!
[Bobby, a mall cop, unknowingly sees through Luna's disguise]
Bobby: Hey Luna!
Captain: You know their mother?
Bobby: That's not their mother! That's his sister! Nice wig by the way.
[Luna giggles nervously]
Scoots: Oh, snap.
Luna: Sorry, bro. I fought the law, and the law won.
Lincoln: I can't believe you came back for us.
Luna: I've been thinking about what you said. And you and the girls are right. I do get a little crazy when it comes to first concerts.
Lincoln: Why are they so important to you?
Luna: 'Cause my first rock show changed my life.
[Flashback to Luna's first concert where she was younger with longer hair and in a purple dress and real earrings.]
Luna: [narrating] It was Mick Swagger. Summer of 7th Grade. The Gimme Swelter Tour. Up until that muggy June night, I didn't know who I wanted to be, but the moment Mick and the boys took the stage, it all started to become clear.
Mick: [singing] It was a hot June night
When she saw the light
Up until then she didn't know what was right
She showed up at the show
All confused and alone
She had no idea what was about to unfold
[During the show, Luna started tapping her foot to the beat and came up to the stage and took Mick's hand]
Luna: It was like he was talking to me.
Mick: [singing] A citizen of the rock and roll nation
[Mick spun Luna around and turned her into the Luna Loud that we all know and love]
Luna: It was in that moment I realized... I was LUNA LOUD!
Flashback Luna: STAGE DIVE!!! [dives into the crowd and is carried off feeling blessed]
Lincoln: Wow. I had no idea.
Luna: I know it's only rock and roll, but I like it.
It's a Loud, Loud, Loud, Loud, House (13.2)
[the Loud kids fight over a quarter Lincoln finds]
Rita: What are they fighting over this time? A nickel under the ottoman?
Lynn Sr.: Nope! A quarter down the sofa.
Rita: We better stop them before they start biting.
Lincoln: [Lola bites him] Ow, Lola!
Lynn Sr.: Too late!
[the parents see the kids cheering over the treasure]
Rita: I have to admit, it's nice to see them sharing money and not fighting over it.
Lynn Sr.: Yep. All part of Sharon's plan.
Rita: Was destroying the house part of Sharon's plan?
[overview of the damaged house interior]
Lynn Sr.: No. No, it was not.
Rita: Well, now she can Sharon DeCleanUp! [hands him a broom]
Lana: Darn you, Lincoln! I am in... but wait, what if Lola finds out? You know what she's capable of.
[an image of Lola looking on wickedly with hellfire and an evil choir is shown, causing Lincoln and Lana to shudder with fear]
Lincoln: [sees a cameraman] I didn't know this was going to be on TV. Good thing we don't get the Princess Channel!
[Though, Lynn Sr does just that so that a recuperating Lola can watch the pageant]
Lola: Thanks for getting me the Princess Channel, daddy!
Lynn Sr.: No problem, sweetie. It was either that or the sports channel, and who needs that, huh? [crying]
Two Boys and a Baby (14.2)
[Luan and Lynn eating weird food]
: Ew! When was this pudding made?!Lisa
: [examining the can]
Seeing as this flag on the label only has Dynomutt
[Lily shoots her farts against Lincoln and Clyde, who run for the window and gasp for fresh air]
Lisa: [from his bedroom window] Approach at a 63 degree angle! [Lincoln jumps but into a wall, and Luan covers the hole with a poster] Correction: 62 degrees!
Rita: [coming upstairs] Lucy? Lynn? How's the cleaning coming?
Lincoln: [determined] This calls for...the Trunk! [opens up his trunk and takes out some items; now wearing a wig like Lucy's hair and imitating her melancholy demeanor] I scrub and scrub, yet the stain of human suffering remains.
Rita: [uneasy] Okay.
[Now Lincoln looks like Lynn]
Lincoln: [imitating Lynn] Not me, Mom! I'm knocking these dust balls out of the park!
Rita: [carrying a bunch of towels] Good to hear. [Lincoln sighs with relief] Leni, how's your spring cleaning coming?
Lincoln: [lunges into Lori and Leni's doorway; imitating Leni] Good! As soon as I find those springs, I'll clean them!
Lincoln: [imitating Luna complete with costume and guitar; singing] ♫How I wonder what you are!♫ [speaking] Stage dive! [dives off the chair and thuds]
Pop-Pop: Bravo! Tough act to follow. But I'd love to see some comedy from Luan.
[Lincoln gets up and gives a thumbs up to that, now switching over to a Luan costume]
Lincoln: [in Luan's tone] What does a nosy pepper do? Gets jalapeño business! [laughs] Get it?
Pop-Pop: [laughs] Hilarious! Now go get those twins!
[Lincoln wonders how he's gonna pull that off; He is shown dressed as Lola]
Lincoln: [in Lola's voice] I wanna talk to Pop-Pop first! [quickly switches over to Lana and in her voice] No, me first!
[It is revealed that he had one side of his body look like Lola and the other look like Lana and talked on the respective sides]
Pop-Pop: Girls, girls, there's plenty of Pop-Pop for everyone.
Lana: [imitating Leni] ...And I got a new outfit for half off, which was weird because none of it was missing. Duh!
Lincoln: Pop-Pop wants to talk to Lisa.
Lynn: Lisa's not home yet.
Lincoln: [gives her a Lisa costume] She is now! Go!
Lynn: [in the Lisa costume and imitating her] But I knew I was missing one key component and that was sodium... [starts losing it] ...uh...sofa-cushion!
[Lisa comes out of Lincoln's room wearing a Lucy wig and Lana clothes]
Lincoln: [discombobulated] Who are you supposed to be?
Lisa: [notices her wardrobe malfunction] Uh... "Lancy?"
Lori: [imitating Lincoln] So, Ace Savvy was like, HOO! HA! HUH! [throws punches to show Ace's actions] And then One-Eyed Jack was all, HOO! HO! HA! [throws more punches and one eye closed for One-Eyed Jack's actions]
[Lola is now dressed as Lucy]
Lola: [imitating Lucy] Pop-Pop. White hair. New hip. Traction shoes. Never slip. Pop-Pop. [screeches like a dragon]
[Now Lucy is dressed like Lori]
Lucy: [imitating Lori] OMG, Pop-Pop, Bobby looked so cute, I literally forgot we were all hurdling toward imminent oblivion.
[Lincoln is now dressed as Lily and pretending to toddle and cry and make a stinky diaper]
Lincoln: [imitating Lily] Poo-poo!
[The gang is together]
Lincoln: I think that's it! We're done!
Lori: Uh, nope. Pop-Pop wants to say bye to all of us. Together. Now!
[the others quickly rummage through the trunk and the results are Lincoln as Lily, Lily as Lori, Lisa as Luan, Lana as Leni, Lola as Luna, Lucy as Lola, Lynn as Lisa, Luan as Lucy, Luna as Lynn, Leni as Lana, and Lori as Lincoln]
Pop-Pop: Well, you kids really made my day. Talk to ya soon.
[From Pop-Pop's point of view, everything looks all blurry]
Loud Kids: BYE, POP-POP!
Pop-Pop: Oh, boy, that was great. Next time I must use my glasses.
Lisa: [resumes her lecture while dressed like Luan] So, if you look at the coefficient on line five-
[A bouquet pops out of her teaching stick and her gag flower squirts water on one of the spectators, making her groan; Lynn is at the batting cages but swings and misses when she spins out of control due to having to wear Lisa's glasses; Lucy returns to her poetry reading but is booed off for dressing like Lola; Luan is back at the birthday party and bursts out in her Lucy costume which summons a flock of bats which scares the kids, leaving her downtrodden at this result; The beauty pageant contestants are frightened of Lola in her Luna costume; Luna tries jamming in her Lynn costume but breaks all of her strings due to the baseball mitt she's wearing and thuds; Lana is getting ready to dive into the mud in her Leni costume]
Dirty girl: Uh-uh! No girly girls allowed!
Lana: But guys, it's me, Lana!
Leni: [returns to the mall in her Lana costume, but the mall cop captain stops her for tracking mud] But guys, it's me, Leni!
Lincoln: [blushing with embarrassment] Oh, poo-poo.
[Royal Woods Elementary School cafeteria; Lincoln digs around in his pants and pulls out a sloppy joe with a note attached to it]
Classmate #4: [takes the note and reads it]"Happy Sloppy Joe Tuesday, Lame-o. Signed, Ronnie Anne."
Classmate #3: And, there's a heart!
Classmates: Ooooooooh! Lincoln's got a girlfriend!
Lincoln: What?! No, I don’t.
Classmate #3: When's the wedding day, Lincoln?
Lincoln: Ha-ha. Very funny, guys.
Classmates: ♫ Ronnie and Lincoln sitting in a tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G. ♫
Lincoln: [angrily throws the sloppy joe on the table and gets up] GUYS! Ronnie Anne is not my girlfriend! She is rude and gross and totally annoying. I'd rather lick the bathroom floor than kiss that weirdo.
[Lincoln comes home after school]
Lori: You MONSTER! [lividly throws a tissue box at her brother in the head]
Lincoln: Ow! What was that for?!
Lori: You made Ronnie Anne CRY!
Lincoln: Cry?! I didn't mean to. Wait, how do you know?
Lori: [throws a teddy bear at Lincoln, who jumps out of the way] Bobby told me... [starts to cry] right before he BROKE UP WITH ME!!!
Lincoln: What? Why does Bobby care?
Lori: [throws a couch cushion at him, prompting him to duck; opens a photo album showing a picture of her, Bobby, and Ronnie Anne all together] Because, Bobby is literally Ronnie Anne's brother! He said he could never date someone related to someone who hurts someone he's related to! Or something like that!
Lincoln: Ronnie Anne has a brother?! I thought she was raised by trolls.
Lori: [throws a bunch of CDs in rapid fire fashion; Lincoln shields himself with the cushion] D'AAAAHH!! THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT BOBBY WAS TALKING ABOUT! [furiously chases after him, who hides behind the chair; he trips, and catches him and holds him up by his shirt collar] You have to make things right with Ronnie Anne!
Lincoln: Okay! Okay! I'll call her right now and apologize! [picks up the phone]
Lori: NO! [hangs up the phone] Nuh-uh! "Actions" speak louder than words. Bobby has to see you being nice to her. That's the only way he'll get back together with me! Which is why, we're going on a double-date.
Lincoln: [shocked] WHAT?!
Lori: It's all been arranged. We have a reservation at Jean Juan's French-Mex Buffet at 6:00. And you, will make her, feel, like the most special girl, IN THE WORLD!!!
Lincoln: [gags] I'd rather lick the bathroom... [Lori picks up the end table and threatens to crush him with it] I'll go iron my khakis!
Clyde: [dancing in front of a portrait of Lori] ♫ Clyde and Lori sitting in a tree / Oh there's no room for dumb Bobby! Woo! ♫
[Lincoln, Lori, Bobby, and Ronnie Anne all arrive at Jean Juan's together; Lori and Bobby are happy to see each other, but their young respective siblings are not]
Lori: Hi, Bobby!
Bobby: Hey, babe--I mean, Lori.
[Ronnie Anne annoyingly rolls her eyes]
Lincoln: Hi, Ronnie Anne. [Lori nudges him, heavily] You're looking lovely this evening.
Ronnie Anne: Yeah, we weirdos clean up nice. Let's just get this over with.
Lori: [walks up along with Bobby to Lincoln and Ronnie Anne, holding their arms around each other] Guess who’s back together?
Lincoln & Ronnie Anne: [simultaneously with sarcasm] Babe and Bobby Boo-Boo Bear?
Lori: Yes! [squeals] Reunion selfie! [takes out her phone and snaps a selfie with her and Bobby being back together; Clyde is in the selfie background, scowling]
[Ronnie Anne mock-barfs and Lincoln laughs; Suddenly, Lincoln turns around and sees his 5 classmates who teased him at the beginning of the episode have just arrived as they walk toward a booth]
Classmate #3's Mom: [leaving the restaurant while dropping off Lincoln's classmates] I'll be back to pick you boys up.
Classmate #3: Okay, Mom.
Lincoln: Clyde, you gotta get me out of here!
Clyde: What? Why?
[Lincoln points to his classmates]
Classmate #1: You guys, there's a band in the bathroom!
Lincoln: I can’t let those guys see me on a date with Ronnie Anne. I just convinced them she’s not my girlfriend!
Classmate #1: Ooh, [points to Lincoln's tuft of hair sticking out from under the cart's tablecloth] what’s that with the whipped cream on top?
Clyde: Uh, sorry, that’s a to-go order.
Classmate #4: Hey, Lincoln. Whatcha doing at Jean Juan's French-Mex Buffet?
Lincoln: I'm just here with my family. I mean, friends. I, I mean, family friends.
Classmate #4: Isn't that Ronnie Anne?
Lincoln: No. I mean, maybe. I didn't know she was here.
Classmate #4: [mischievously notices Lincoln's khakis] Hey, are those khakis? [gasps] You're wearing date pants!
Classmate #3: I knew it! Ronnie Anne is your girlfriend!
Lincoln: She is not my girlfriend! Guys, I already told you, Ronnie Anne is rude and gross and totally annoying. I'd rather lick the bathroom floor than kiss that weirdo.
Lori: [aghast; enraged] LINCOLN?!
[Showing Lori and Bobby, both looking very cross at what Lincoln just said, and then over to Ronnie Anne, who is again shocked and heartbroken at hearing Lincoln repeating these harsh words after all that bonding they just went through, and she tearfully runs towards the entrance, scowling]
Bobby: We're broken up again, babe. I mean, Lori. [Lori starts crying her eyes out and Lincoln's classmates point and laugh at him]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] Yes, this is annoying, but it's a small price to pay as long as things are cool between me and Ronnie Anne.
Ronnie Anne: [suddenly barges in] YOU!
Classmates: Ooooh! [Ronnie Anne slaps Lincoln hard across the face] Ohhh?
Ronnie Anne: Lincoln Loud, how DARE you kiss me at Jean Juan's French-Mex Buffet! You are rude and gross and totally annoying. I'd rather lick the bathroom floor than kiss you! [she storms off]
Classmate #1: Sorry, dude.
Trent: That was harsh.
Classmate #3: Girls are intense, man.
Classmate #4: It's okay to be single.
Classmate #5: Your bros are here for you, bro.
[As soon as Lincoln's classmates each leave, though, Lincoln looks pretty saddened about Ronnie Anne dumping him; Just then, an ice pack slides up in front of him with an attached note; Lincoln looks at the note and hears Ronnie Anne's voice reading it: "Hope that stopped the teasing. Signed, Ronnie Anne."]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] And, there's a heart! [applies the ice pack to where Ronnie Anne slapped him]
Clyde: [entering just as Lincoln puts Ronnie Anne's note in his pocket] Sorry about Ronnie Anne. I know how you feel. A broken heart is a story as old as time. But I think I have something that'll cheer you up! It always helps me. [claps] ¡Música! [The Mexican band from the restaurant appears and play their music as Lincoln and Clyde dance to it]
Lincoln and Clyde: ¡Olé!
[Lincoln and Clyde walk by Flip's juice cart]
Clyde: Oh, hang on, Lincoln. I'm gonna get volcano Lori a juice. Running from Bobby's tormented screams has made her thirsty.
Lynn: Hey, Lincoln! [examines him] You look different.
Lincoln: My sideburns are even.
Lynn: No, it's more than that. Your skin is glowing, you look taller, and you smell like... [smells him] ...organic Brussels sprouts? Okay, what gives?
Lincoln: I spent tonight at Clyde's. His dads helped me with my volcano and served me food with no foil and asked me about my day!
Lynn: Get out! That sounds amazing! [thinks for a second] Hey, do you think they could help me with my baseball swing?
Lincoln: Sure. I think Clyde said one of his dads played ball in college. Why don't you come over after school tomorrow?
Lynn: Oh, that would be awesome! [playfully punches his arm]
Lincoln: Ow! Lynn, do you mind? Clyde's dads just gave me my vaccinations.
Lynn: I just can't believe Mr. McBride spent a whole hour coaching me! And how about that dinner? What was that special thing they cooked again?
Lynn: Yeah. It was amazing. Ah, I'd punch you, but my arm is sore from the vaccinations.
[They return home to find Luna out front]
Luna: Hey, dudes. [examines them] Wait. You look different. [pulls in their arms] Your nail beds are rockin'. [smells them] And do I smell meat? [suspicious] What's going on?
Lincoln: We've been hanging out with Clyde's dads. They've been giving us all kinds of one-on-one time.
Luna: Rad! Hey, you think they could jam with me? Dad's got a wicked canker and he can't blow the sax anymore.
Lynn: Sure. One of Clyde's dads told me he was in a band in college.
Lincoln: [sternly] Okay, but this is it. If anymore of you find out about Clyde's dads, the undivided attention is going to get pretty divided.
Luna: [giving him a pinch on the cheek] Don't worry, bro. [mimes sealing her lips, rolling down a car window, tossing a key out of it, and rolling it back up] That was a car window.
Lincoln and Lynn: Yeah, we get it.
Clyde: [taking care of his dads, who are stressed out from the Loud kids] Hey, Dad, what did you think of my future bride, Lori?
Howard: Which one was she? There were so many. [shudders]
Harold: I'm sorry. Frozen dinners were all I could manage.
Clyde: [sees that his dinner is still frozen with the fork jammed in the ice] Dad, I think you forgot to- [notices his dads are exhausted]
Tetherby: Now shall we dine, old bean?
Lincoln: Sounds good to me, old--uh--carrot?
Katherine: [peels a Burpin' Burger napkin off Lincoln's head] Looks more like ketchup to this reporter. [laughs]
Lincoln: Burpin' Burger? That's it! I know how to fix everything! Can I get a ride?
Katherine: In the news van? It just isn't done.
[The limo arrives back at the Loud House and Lincoln sneaks inside only to be caught by his sisters who are displeased with his negligence]
Lincoln: Sorry, wrong house! [slams the door; However, the girls are somehow already outside right in front of him]
Lynn: Where have you been?!
Lisa: We were standing on the curb for over three hours!
Lori: The garbage guys literally tried to take Lana to the dump!
Lincoln: I'm really sorry. I had a busy day with the very wealthy Lord Tetherby and I just couldn't get away.
Lola: I cannot believe you have been hanging out with some random rich guy all day instead of taking your own sisters to the Burpin' Burger!
Lincoln: [speaking Tetherby's words] A man in a limo can't be seen in some rat hole named after a bodily function. It's just not done.
Lori: You're not a man in a limo. You're a kid who ate a bunch of mustard! As soon as your limo's gone, this little fantasy of yours is going to be over.
Lincoln: [smugly] Oh, really? Is that why they're making me a member of their club tonight, hm? Now if you'll excuse me, I need to put on my formal wear.
Lori: You'll see, Lincoln! You're no better than the rest of us!
Lincoln: "No better than the rest of us"? How dare she! I'm the important person and I've got important places to be!
[Limo arrives at Burpin' Burger and takes the drive-thru]
Employee: [On audio box] Welcome to Burpin' Burger. May I take your order?
Luna: Eleven burgers and fries, love.
Lincoln: Don't forget one for Kirby.
Kirby: Thank you, sir. I mean, Lincoln.
Lincoln: [to the viewers while holding a burger] The only thing better than being a man in a limo is being a family in a limo.
[Everyone is enjoying their burgers when Tetherby's limo drives up to Lincoln's]
Tetherby: I say, Loud, it's good to see you back in a limo. What say you ditch the riffraff and come back to the club?
[Tetherby's invitation surprises Lincoln as he darts his eyes at his sisters and Kirby who are afraid he'll leave them]
Lincoln: You know what, Tetherby? How about some... [he and his sisters squirt Tetherby and his limo with mustard] ...mustard to go with that baloney!
[And with that, they drive off, singing the Burpin' Burger jingle]
Lincoln: ♫Hungry, y'all? Look no further!♫
Loud Kids: ♫Come on down to Burpin' Burger / Grade B Beef and special spice / When it comes back up, it's twice as nice!♫ [burp on cue]
: Guys! We gotta figure out something! The Family Fun Fair is tonight, and we've got nothing for the talent show.Lynn
: I know; how about a family trapeze act?Lisa
: Just because you've fractured every bone from your maxilla
to your metatarsals
, doesn't mean we want to.Lola
: I know! How about a family beauty pageant? [beat]
Never mind. That would take years to prepare for.Lana
: I say we wrestle alligators! [lunges at Lincoln and pins him down]Lincoln
: [gets her off]
Lana, that's a terrible idea!Lana
: You're right. [gets out a lasso]
Calf roping is much better! [lassos and hogties Lincoln]Lincoln
: We need something we can all
: Then let's do my idea!Luan
: No! My idea!Leni
: No, mine!Lori
: No way.[Lily, Lisa, Lola, Lana, Lucy, Lynn, Luan, Leni, and Lori start fighting over which act they should do and Luna stops them with a power chord on her guitar]Luna
: I've got the answer! Let's start a family band!Lori
: But we literally have no musical talent.Luan
: Yeah. I couldn't carry a tune if it had a handle. [laughs to rimshot]Luna
: As my idol Mick Swagger says, "Rock and roll isn't about being the best. It's about having fun." NOW WHO WANTS TO HAVE FUN?![Her sisters cheer in agreement and they head on off, but Lincoln is still hogtied to the floor]Lincoln
: Uh...guys? A little help?Leni
: [walks up to her brother]
Oh. Sorry, Lincoln. [picks him up and carries him with her like a handbag while humming, much to his chagrin]
[Luna has a fantasy]
Mick Swagger: And now, I'd like to introduce the greatest musical discovery of my 40 year career: Luna Loud!
[Luna starts rocking out as the crowd chants "Luna"]
Leni: [singing] ♫Backup backup backup!♫
Luna: No no no no. Leni, you don't actually sing the words "Backup". You sing what's on the page.
Leni: Oh. Got it! [singing] ♫What's on the page! What's on the page! What's on the pa-haaaaaage!♫
Luna: [irked] Dudes, this is the worst rehearsal I've ever seen!
Lincoln: But...you said it doesn't matter if we were good.
Luna: Forget about what I said, bro. Mick Swagger's gonna be at the show.
Lynn Sr.: [Excited] Mick Swagger?! Sweet!
Luna: No! It's not sweet! This is my chance to be discovered, and you guys ARE MESSING IT UP!
[Lynn Sr. is still jamming]
Luna: [exasperated] Dad. Dad! DAD!!! [fails to get his attention] That's it. YOU...ARE OUT OF THE BAND!
[The words "out of the band" echo through and the kids gasp; Lynn Sr. drops his cowbell and leaves, sobbing; The siblings look at her in disdain]
Luna: [hostilely] What?
Lori: You literally just fired your own dad!
Luna: I'm not gonna let Captain Cowbell ruin my big chance! [picking up the music sheets] Now let's get back to work. We're gonna be here all day. So, if you guys have plans, cancel them. If you gotta pee, hold it. We really have to nail this!
Lincoln: What?! No way!
[The other girls chastise Luna for her behavior]
Luna: You're all out of my band!
Lincoln: No! You're out of our band! [a music sheet falls on his face, which he quickly swats off] 'Cause we're gonna play without you and we're gonna have fun!
Lana: Yeah! And we'll pee whenever we want to!
Luna: Fine by me. You're all holding me back, anyway. And when I'm on tour with Mick, don't call me for tickets!
Luna: ♫Time for me to go solo / You know what they say: YOLO♫ [realizes what she just sang] UGH! Come on, Luna! What are you thinking? This is for Mick! You just used the word YOLO!
[The Eat Diner and Coffee Shop; Luna is still struggling to come up with lyrics. She tears off her latest draft right into a stranger's soup]
Luna: Oh. Sorry, dude.
Stranger: No worries. What are you writing?
Luna: It's supposed to be a song. But I'm wicked blocked.
Stranger: Maybe I can help. I'm dabbled in music myself. Have a seat.
Luna: [sits down in the booth and picks up a fry] You gonna finish that, brah?
Stranger: It's all yours. So, what's going on?
Luna: I really gotta kill it with this song. And everything I write is garbage. [eats her fry] I actually tried to rhyme with YOLO.
Stranger: [cringing] Ooh...
Luna: I know, right? You mind?
[The stranger hands her his soup which she slurps up]
Stranger: So, what's so important about this song?
Luna: I'm supposed to perform at the Family Fun Fair tonight, and Mick Swagger's gonna be there! It's my only chance to impress him! So, I gotta be my very best!
Stranger: Hm...wasn't it Mick Swagger who said "Rock and roll isn't about being the best, it's about having fun"?
Stranger: Well, when was the last time you had fun?
[Luna remembers that the last time she had fun was when she was in the family band, which makes her realize what's more important]
Luna: Dude! I gotta go! [runs off, comes back, grabs another fry, and runs off again]
Stranger: Hey, mate! You guys looked like you were having fun out there!
Luna: We were.
Stranger: And you were brilliant. You've got real talent.
Luna: Thanks. And thanks for that little talk back at the restaurant. It really helped straighten me out. I was being horrible to my family to impress a guy who didn't even show up.
Stranger: Oh, I wouldn't say that. [reveals himself to be Mick Swagger]
Luna: [stammering with awe] Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh...
Lynn Sr.: Hey, honey. Got us funnel cakes. Who's this?
[Mick reveals his face again]
Mick: The name's Mick Swagger, mate! And you were great, too! I love that passion on the cowbell!
Luna & Lynn Sr.: [stammering] Muh-muh-muh-muh-muh-muh...
[Mick shrugs and is about to head off.]
Mick: [noticing the funnel cakes] Are you gonna finish those? [takes them] Cheers, mate! [leaves]
[Luna and her father continue stammering and suddenly faint in shock]
Rita: Hey, come on. I know it's not as exciting as Dad's office, but you're Lincoln Loud. You can make anything fun.
Lincoln: Well, I guess that's true. Okay. I'm in.
Mr. Grouse: Nice dress, Loud!
Lincoln: [coughs] Right after I change.
Lincoln: Just another routine job for Agent-- [sees the girls] Oh, for crying out Loud!
[the girls and Dad are all having a suction cup dart fight]
Lincoln: [trips over the floss and the supplies from the cabinet of fun fall on top of him] Dang it!
Lola: Arms up, Lincoln! Your turn for bubble-wrap.
Lincoln: [puts his hand in front of Lola] Not this year, Lola. I'm not getting pranked.
[Loud girls chatter]
Lola: It's never been done!
Lynn: Are you crazy?
Lincoln: Ladies! Ladies! I got a plan! I'm simply gonna lock myself in my room till the day's over. I've got snacks, video games and a hose to pee in, which I call the Tinkle Tube. Patent pending.
Lori, Leni, Luna, Lynn, Lucy, Lola and Lily: Ew!
Lincoln: [points to his window] It goes out the window! The point is, I'll never have to leave my room so Luan will never get me.
[The siblings look frightened as they hear Luan coming up the stairs while holding a sausage]
Luan: Ooh! It's Pranksmas Eve...and I'm just bubbling with excitement. [pops a piece of Lola's bubble wrap and walks away]
Lola: I'm gonna need more bubble wrap! And a fresh pair of undies.
[Luan is snoring; Luna then gets up and gives a bird-like call to signal that Luan is asleep; Everyone then enters the room; Luan then opens her eyes as her siblings tied her down, trapped her in a cage, and keeping her fingers together with Chinese finger traps]
Luan: [enraged] LET ME [starts screaming her words] OUT OF HERE!
Luan: [surprised] Really? Wow! That was easier than I...
Lincoln: APRIL FOOLS! We aren't letting you out until April 2nd! [the other sisters begin to cheer]
Lynn: That was a crate plan, Lincoln! [the siblings laugh during a rimshot]
Lori: I've been crating for this moment all my life! [the siblings laugh again]
Lana: Well, better crate than never! [the siblings laugh again]
Leni: You're in a crate! [the kids stop laughing] Get it?
Lincoln: Maybe we should just go to bed.
[Lincoln's non-Luan sisters are in his bedroom]Lori
: I think if we ration the food we should be okay.Lana
: What does "ration
" mean? [the others see her eat the rations]Lola
: Ugh, typical! Now someone has to go into the kitchen for more supplies.Lana
: Let's draw straws!Leni
: I'll just go. I know I'm gonna lose. I'm a terrible artist.Lucy
: Actually, that's not what-Lola
: [covers Lucy's mouth]
Good luck, Leni!Leni
: [thrown out of the room]
"Kitchen this way?" Oh, thank you, sign! [keeps doing the same thing before walking into a large city nearby
: Ahh! There's a child in the frozen peas! Ahh!Lincoln
: [finds that it's Lisa]
Lisa! What are you doing?Lisa
: Research for my cryogenic freezer
. The future needs my brain.Lincoln
: I don't believe this.
Manager: Gotcha, hooligan!
[The lookalike's mother furiously drags him by his ear toward the exit]
Bratty Kid's Mom: [furious through gritted teeth] I can't believe you got us kicked out of here!
Bratty Kid: Can I just get my cereal?
Bratty Kid's Mom: [takes it and tosses it aside] NO!
[Lincoln catches it in slow motion]
Bratty Kid: But-but-but...my Zombie Bran!
[Lincoln victoriously waves it at him]
Lincoln: [triumphant] YES! And now to get out before we're kicked out.
: Why are you pushing us?Lincoln
: Because I'm this
close to getting my cereal, and I don't want you guys to ruin it.[The girls come to a screeching halt]Lori
: Whoa, whoa, whoa! What do you mean your
: I made a deal with Mom. If I had enough money left after getting all the groceries, I could get my Zombie Bran.Lana
: Well, if you get a treat, I want a treat!Lola
: Yeah! I want a Little Princess Pie!Lucy
: I want blood pudding
: I could re-up on my sodium bicarbonate
: And I want dog biscuits! [Lola glances at her awkwardly]
They're for Charles, I swear, Even though they are great for my teeth, and my coat!Lincoln
: No way! There's no money left!Luna
: [grabs the cereal box]
Well, there will be if we put this back.Lincoln
: Give me that! I worked my butt off to get it![The kids start fighting over the fate of the Zombie Bran and the checkout clerk calls the manager over; Lincoln is blasted out of the fight cloud right toward Bobby's Lori display]Bobby
: NOOOOOOOOOO!!![Lincoln crashes right into the display and the manager shows up and sees Lincoln]Manager
: I thought I already got rid of you, hooligan! Now I want you out of my store! And take your sisters with you![This breaks up the girls' fight and the girls leave with looks of regret on their faces]Manager
: [grabbing the Zombie Bran box]
I'll take that!Lincoln
: [fighting for it]
But...but... [loses it to the manager; forlorn] My Zombie Bran.Manager
: Boo-Boo Bear! Push broom![Bobby hands his boss the push broom and he pushes Lincoln out of the store]
Lincoln Loud: Girl Guru (19.1)
Clyde: [he and Lincoln try to make balloon animals; one of them pops] Lincoln! Look professional! We've got a customer!
Liam: Uh, I'll take the, uh, cheeseburger?
Clyde: It's a bunny rabbit.
Girl Jordan: [infuriated and disgusted at Andrew for giving her a Dutch oven] You jerk!
Andrew: But, the Girl Guru said you’d love a Dutch oven!
Girl Jordan: Maybe you’d love an American wedgie! [angrily starts chasing after Andrew down the hall as he screams]
Lincoln: Well, you can't expect advice to work 100% of the time.
[A frog croaks and jumps on Joy’s head]
Joy: [freaking out in disgust] Ew, ew, ew, ew! Gross! Get it off!
Papa Wheelie: But the Girl Guru said-
Joy: [enraged] Get him, girls! [chases after Papa Wheelie across the hall along with her friends]
Lincoln: That is not on us. He must have picked a bad frog.
Clyde: [popping his head out of a trash can] Let’s just get back to class before they come back.
[The boys are in their classroom, when Flat Tire talks to Mollie]
Flat Tire: Hey, Mollie, you want to go on a date with me?
Mollie: Uh, yeah.
Flat Tire: Great! I'm gonna need you wear this. [puts a veil on Mollie's head and a hearse stops outside the window and she looks at it] Ah, there's the hearse. [Mollie makes a disgust look at him] We're going to a funeral. How strong are you? There might need an extra pallbearer.
Mollie: [angered and disgusted; gets up from her desk and moves to the opposite] Ew! Yuck! Get away from me, you morbid weirdo!
[Flat Tire glares at Lincoln and Clyde who both gulp nervously and see Coach Pacowski handing flowers to Mrs. Johnson]
Coach Pacowski: This is for you Agnes.
Mrs. Johnson: Daisies are my favorite. [gets squirted by the flowers] Ahh! [angrily pushes Coach Pacowski away] You yokel! [Enters her classroom] I just had my hair done!
Coach Pacowski: But Agnes, the Girl Guru said-- [points at Lincoln and Clyde threateningly] I hope you boys like push-ups!
Lincoln: [raises his right hand] Uh, Mrs. Johnson, can I have the boy's bathroom pass?
Clyde: [raises his left hand] And I'll take the girls'.
[The boys run down the hallway when Kat screams and an explosion is heard and she emerges out of the science lab with Zach followed behind]
Zach: I was trying to impress you with my basic chemistry skills!
Kat: [furious] You burnt my braids, you doofus!
Zach: [pointing at Lincoln] He told me to do it!
[Kat and Joy are walking down the hallway passing the two nearby trash cans]
Kat: The next time I see that Girl Guru, I'll totally destroy him!
Joy: Yeah, and his weird little friend too!
[Lincoln and Clyde both pop their heads out of the their trash cans watch Kat and Joy left and runs down the hallway and stops seeing their customers including Coach Pacowski groaning in pain and hide as a girl suddenly puts an empty plastic bottle on Clyde's trash can and walks off]
Clyde: [pops out] Uh, excuse me. That goes in the recycling.
Lincoln: Clyde! Keep it down!
Student: [spots Lincoln and Clyde] Hey! It's them!
[Lincoln and Clyde scream and make a run for it with their customers shouting indistinctly and giving chase]
Luna: [knocks on the door] Hello, ma'am!
Lola: [shoves Luna aside] Did you buy a blanket?
Luna: [shoves Lola aside] From a garage sale today?
Woman: I didn't buy a blanket, but I did buy this hunk of junk! [holds up a vacuum cleaner which explodes in her face] I want my money back!
Luna and Lola: Uh, [point at each other] she sold it to you!
Flip: [pouring chemicals into a washer fluid bottle] I'm lovin' these 2-for-1 chemicals, I'm gonna make a fortune selling them as windshield wiper fluid! Ha ha, suckers! [boom] Well, the lil' Psychic Girl was right. Business is booming.
[Lincoln is knitting headbands with Luna]
Luna: You got it bro! These accessories will make our outfits rockin!
Luna: And if you braid the strands real tight, they're strong enough to use as ropes. Right, Chunk?
Chunk: [pulling on a rope] Right as rain, love. [notices the piano is too big for the window] We're gon'a need a bigger window though.
Lincoln: I don't get it. How could Chandler not invite us? I loaned him a pencil in math class and held the bathroom door open for him!
Clyde: And I made eye contact with him everyday like this! [takes off his glasses revealing his astigmatic eyes] Who wouldn't want this face at a party?
Lincoln: Hey, ready for your dance? You're not wearing that, are you?
[Lori wearing her employee uniform with her dance dress hung up on the door.]
Lori: I'm not going to the dance. My boss is making me work tonight to pay for all the free stuff I gave you. Instead of Romance Under the Sea, I'm gonna have mozzarella under the fingernails. Thanks a lot, Lincoln. [leaves for her overtime shift]
[two stinkers named Hank and Hawk confront Lynn and Lincoln]
Hank: What team are you on?
Lincoln: The Royal Woods Roosters!
Lincoln & Lynn: [waving their hands high up] Cock-a-doodle-doo!
Hawk: Nice cheer. When we play you, you're cock-a-doodle-doomed!
Hank: Yeah! I'm gonna pluck me a few feathers! [their laugh which irks Lynn]
[At Lincoln and Lynn's big game, the rest of the Loud family are at the big game; Lori is using binoculars to find Lincoln]
Lori: I literally don't see Lincoln anywhere. [spots him right in front of her face and shrieks in surprise]
Leni: I can't wait to see Pop-Pop! [her siblings look at her confused] The guidebook said there was an old geezer in the park.
Lincoln: Geyser, not geezer. See? Here it is. [shows her said geyser in the guidebook]
Lisa: Well, Lucy, I guess you'll be throwing out those silly cards now that you've been completely discredited.
Lucy: Wrong, I can prove fortune telling is real with one last prediction: [draws one more card] "The end is near!"
Lisa: Oh please, gimme a-
[end card in the style of Lucy's fortune telling cards with a dowl on it]
Lucy: Told ya, he cards don't lie.
Dance Dance Resolution (22.1)
[Lincoln's sisters scare him]
Leni: So did Ronnie Anne ask you to the Sadie Hawkins Dance?
Lincoln: [stammering] Uh, yee, uh, um...
Lori: I bet she was so excited. The Sadie Hawkins is literally the most important dance in a girl's life.
Lincoln: Mom, I'm going to the arcade with Clyde! I'll see you later!
Luan: Hey, Lincoln, you got a sec?
Lucy: Hey, I need to talk to him first.
Luna: No! Dudes, urgent! Mine is more important! Guess what, bro? I hooked ya up with a date for the dance!
Luan: Hey, so did I!
Lucy: So did I.
Lynn: Me too!
Lynn: You were so bummed out when Ronnie Anne didn't ask you. I just wanted to make you feel better.
Luna: Me too.
Luan: So did I.
Lucy: Me too.
Lincoln: You guys, I wasn't bummed out! I didn't want her to ask me because I wanted to go to the arcade tonight.
Luan: Then why didn't you say so, ya yutz?
Lincoln: 'Cause you made me feel so guilty. All that stuff about "the most important dance in a girl's life".
Luna: Well, you're going to the dance now, dude, 'cause my friend'll be wicked bummed if you flake on her!
Lynn: Mine too.
Luan: Yeah! Snow-one likes a flake! [laughs] But seriously, you're going.
Lincoln: But, you guys, how am I supposed to juggle four dates?
Luna: That's not our problem, dude.
Luan: You dug your own grave, Lincoln.
Lynn: Now you gotta lie in it.
: [acting melancholy]
Hi, I'm Lincoln.Haiku
: Hi, Lincoln. Wanna hear my poem? "Empty, lonely, dark. The universe is weeping. I have no tissues." Okay, your turn.Lincoln
: Uh... "Jack and Jill went up a hill to fetch a pail of water...
: Oh, yes. The futility of teamwork. Deep stuff.
[Lincoln's dates confront Lincoln]
Lincoln: You guys, I'm sorry. I can explain.
Tabby: Wait, let me go first. I'm sorry to say this, Lincoln, but would you mind if I hung out with somebody else for the rest of the night? I really hit it off with that guy, Liam.
Giggles: Yeah, and I'm having a really great time with Zach.
Haiku: Yes, and I enjoy Clyde. We share the same pain.
Polly: Same with me and Rusty; though, the pain is mostly his.
Lincoln: Sure. No problem. I'm glad you're all having fun.
A Fair to Remember (22.2)
Lori: What do I do? I'm sick of Lincoln crashing our dates, but it makes Bobby so happy. He says Lincoln's like the brother he never had.
Leni: I know; why don't you hang out with Bobby's little sister Ronnie Anne, she could be like the sister you never had! [Lori and Lucy just awkwardly stare at her for that statement]
[As he waits for his brother, he hears Lori crying]
Ride Operator: Miss, your boyfriend's okay. He's in the medical tent drying off.
Lori: He's not my boyfriend. I literally don't think I have a boyfriend anymore! [cries]
[Lisa presses the button on the watch and a portal opens up.]
Lincoln: Holy moly! Awesome! [proceeds to enter it, but stops] Wait, why are you doing this for me?
Lisa: I need beta testers. Now, are we doing this, or am I sending Lana to a dimension where she's a toad?
Lincoln: Oh, we're doing it!
Levi: Can you Cro-Magnons diminish the cacophony so our youngest sibling can suspend consciousness?
Lexx and Leif: Speak English, Levi.
Levi: Shut your pie-holes so Leon can nap!
Lori: [livid] That was literally mine! You are so gonna pay!
Lincoln: [fearing] Please don't stick my head down the toilet!
Lori: What? I meant with money.
Lincoln: Oh, of course. That's more than fair.
Lola: [scoffs] Breaking Lori's watch? You sir, have no class!
[The sisters all go back to bed.]
Lincoln: I'm so glad my sisters are nothing like my brothers.
Lynn: Hey, Lincoln, I almost forgot something. [pantses him and runs off laughing]
Lincoln: Except for Lynn.
Lincoln: [to the viewers] What can I say? We're not angels. Sometimes, we mess up. But the great thing is, if you need to get something off your chest, you can always trust your siblings. [a knock at the door is heard] Well, not all of them.
[Lincoln walks up to the door and opens it, revealing to be Lola; She enters the room]
Lola: Whatcha guys talkin about?
Lisa: Quantum physics!
Lynn: Monster trucks!
Lana: Global warming!
Lola: You're telling secrets again, aren't you? It's not fair! I never get included!
Lincoln: That's because you're a tattle-tale, Lola.
Lola: [scoffs] I am NOT! [Lincoln and the others look at her with disbelief while a cricket chirps] Okay, I'll admit I used to be a tattle-tale, but I changed! [Everybody still doesn't believe her as they murmur to each other; Lola growls loudly, tosses her tiara aside in fury, and screams at the top of her lungs] MOM! THEY WON'T LET ME IN THEIR SECRET SECRETS CLUB!!!
[As Lola storms out of the room, Lincoln quickly shuts the door; Lisa checks her list of secrets]'
Lisa: Mmm. So where were we?
Lincoln: I broke Dad's disco ball, Lori scratched the car, Luna caused the blackout, and Lucy ruined Mom's wedding dress. Who's next?
Lana: [raising her hand] Ooh! Ooh! So you know how Dad was yelling at Charles for chewing up his boots? [giggles] That was me!
[The siblings begin laughing]
Luan: [with realization] Wait a second. Weren't those steel toe?
Mr. Grouse: Nice tiara, Loud! What're ya doing, training for a beauty pageant?
Lincoln: No! Actually, yes!
Mr. Grouse: Oh! Well, good luck with that!
Lola: So you'll never believe what Lynn did! [whispers to toys] What, it's not like they'll tell anyone. So anyway, [whispers continue].
Lincoln: Boy, we are killing it. But I've been thinking, maybe you should do a little less of the talky stuff and more of the pratfalls.
[Enraged, Luan then drops all of her supplies and turns to Lincoln, he's shocked]
Luan: Are you kidding me?!
Luan: Look, Lincoln. Just because you got a few laughs does not make you an expert on clowning. There's a lot more to it than just falling on your butt.
Lincoln: Well, the audience sure seems to like my --
Luan: Lincoln, enough! No more pratfalls. I am the clown. YOU are the assistant. Now go refill these whoopee cushions.
Lincoln: But they're already inflated.
Luan: [deflates them at her brother's face;frustrated] Not anymore!
[Luan walks to the house, opens the door then slams it]
Lincoln: Oh, yeah?! Well, that would've been funnier if you'd fallen on your butt!
[In Luna and Luan's room]
Lincoln: [refilling the whoopee cushions] How dare she speak to me like that?! After everything I've done for this business? You'd think she'd have a little more -- [phone rings as he answers it] Funny Business, Inc. Your fun is our business. Lincoln speaking. Yes, we're available the 11th. What? Oh, really? Great. See you the 11th.
[Luan walks in after wiping her face]
Luan: Who did we just book?
Lincoln: Actually, the correct question would be "who did I just book"?
Lisa: You're both wrong! It's "whom"!
Lincoln: They only wanted me.
Luan: Yeah, right.
Lincoln: It's true. You may not recognize my talent, but apparently the birthday party community does.
Luan: So, what are you gonna do for your act? Fall on your butt for an hour?
Lincoln: That's exactly what I'm going to do, cause the audiences love it. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go put on my padded underwear.
[Luan gets angry, kicks the glass case and it shatters. Gary hops down and eats some cake]
Lincoln: Remember, guys, never walk and text!
Tween: Ugh! Now he's gonna lecture us?
Maggie: [scowls] He ruined my cake! Mom, why did you hire him? I swear, if I had a door around me, I would slam it so hard right now!
Lisa: This just in: there will not be a snow day tomorrow. Once I spray my super strength salt across the city roadways, we shall have no trouble accessing school.
Loud Kids: BOO! [they throw pillows at her]
Lola: WHY WOULD YOU RUIN OUR SNOW DAY?!
Lisa: [clears her throat and pulls a chart down] For every school day you miss, your brain functionality decreases by approximately 0.006%.
Leni: But Lisa, snow days are F-O-N! Fun!
Lisa: [presses a button and the chart goes up] I rest my case. Besides, I fail to see how frolicking in frozen temperatures like a bunch of nincompoops is fun.
Lincoln: What if we could show you how fun snow days can be? Then would you call off the salt?
Leni: Yeah! [chanting] F-O-N! F-O-N!
Loud Kids: F-O-N! F-O-N!
Lisa: FINE! But only because I can't stand to hear you spell erroneously.
[The others walk away cheering]
Leni: Wait - I thought we were spelling "fun"?
: [she and Lucy are making snow angels]
What exactly are we doing?Lucy
: Playing corpsicle. It's my favorite snow game.Lisa
: How do you win, by getting hypothermia
The Price of Admission (25.1) Old Man
: I got hearts, kidneys, and ears-- [rises up a hoe and digs deep into something]Lincoln
: The Harvester! [runs away][it's actually just Mr. Grouse tending to his garden]Mr. Grouse
: Raving Rabbids
, Porky pig
and Daffy Duck
. You never heard of a guy growing his own vegetables before?
: Okay, Question 63: What does "Mickey mouse
" mean, and does it have anything to do with Dutch ovens?Lori
: Hmm. [phone beep]
Session's over, Lincoln. I have to talk to Bobby; he started his new pizza delivery job tonight.Bobby
: Check it, babe. I spelled your name with pepperonis. [the pizza, pepperoni spelling "Lory", slides right out of the box]
That's coming out of my paycheck.
One Flu Over the Loud House (25.2)
Lisa: In case we're attacked, this concoction will slow down the infected. [blasts Lincoln]
Lincoln: [tasting the concoction] Tastes like chicken soup.
Lisa: That's because it is chicken soup. [hands gun to him]
Lincoln: Safe Haven, we're back in. What is this crisis you were talking about?
Clyde: I made a peanut sauce for the Sante Fe egg rolls. But then I realized someone might have a food allergy.
Lincoln: That's the crisis?! We're fighting for our lives, Clyde! No one has a food allergy!
Clyde: That's a relief, 'cause this sauce really ties the dish together. Safe Haven out.
Clyde: Well, the escape mission was a bust, but just because the Louds are infected doesn't mean that they're not human. Plus, I'd hate to see all this good food go to waste.
[Leni enters the dining room wearing a facial mask, with Lori and Lana already inside]
Leni: I heard a sheep. [removes the cucumber slices on her eyes and sees Hugh] Ahh! My face! [runs off, then the rest of the non-Lily sisters enter]
Lynn: How'd the test go, bro? You aced it?
Lincoln: No! I got an F! [slumps on the floor]
Luan: [takes the test off of her brother's head and looks at it] Oh, and a frowny face. That's cold! [pulls out a phone] I know just Hugh to call! [laughs] Get it?
[The girls start fighting over who should call him.]
Lana: I'm calling Hugh!
Lola: No, me!
Lori: I'm calling Hugh!
Lincoln: I don't get it. I thought I knew all the answers. [sighs] Ms. DiMartino is definitely gonna flunk me now.
[The girls cease their fight.]
Lynn: Wait. Ms. DiMartino?
Lincoln: Yeah. She's been our substitute teacher since Mrs. Johnson broke her leg riding a mechanical bull.
Luna: Dude, no wonder you're failing! Ms. D is so smokin', guys go completely bonkers around her.
Lori: Yeah. Even Bobby nearly flunked because of her. Of course, that was BL: Before Lori. [grimly] Or he never would have noticed her.
Lincoln: But that couldn't happen to me! [thinking] Could it?
Lisa: Well then, the solution would be to remove her from your field of vision. Observe. [she takes Lori's phone with Hugh's pic] Lori, what is Bobby's full name?
Lori: Roberto Alejandro Martinez- [shown the pic and fawns] Roberto Alejandro- [shown the pic and fawns again] Roberto- [shown and fawning again]
Lisa: And now to delete.
Leni, Luna, Luan, Lynn, Lucy, Lana, and Lola: NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
[Lisa deletes the Hugh image which is now replaced with a picture of Lori taking a duckface selfie.]
Lori: [shakes her head and comes to her senses.] Roberto Alejandro Martinez-Millan Luis Santiago, Jr.
Lisa: Case closed.
Lincoln: Clyde! I did it! [showing Clyde his test result] I aced the test!
Clyde: That's awesome, Lincoln! So you're not gonna flunk fifth grade?
Lincoln: Nope. Only downside. I'm going to be spending a lot of time inside my locker. [walks toward to their classroom] Well, here goes. [cover his eyes as he was about to open the door] Better shield our eyes from our teacher's blinding beauty.
Mrs. Johnson: Oh, well, thank you! [Lincoln open his eye and sees Mrs. Johnson is already back in a wheel chair] I'm flattered. [ rolls her wheelchair toward to Lincoln] Why don't you come sit on the front row, Lincoln?
Lincoln: [laughs nervously] Uh, yes, brilliant.
Lori: AAH! DANG IT!
[In the kitchen, Lincoln is taking out the trash when he hears Lori scream]
Lincoln: [to the viewers] Sounds like someone got trapped in the bathroom again.
[Inside the bathroom, Lori, wearing a bathrobe and towel on her head, is holding the doorknob to the bathroom door, which just broke off; She growls at this]
Lori: Somebody let me out! Bobby's coming over to study, and I only have three hours to get ready! [Lori struggles to open the bathroom door, when suddenly, she slips; She grabs hold of the shower curtain, but it rips off; The pole holding the curtain bonks Lori on the head; Lori growls even louder at this string of events] THIS HOUSE IS LITERALLY FALLING APART!!!
Lincoln: [to the viewers] Lori's right. With 11 kids, 4 pets... and 2 parents who insist on fixing everything themselves, our house is a bit of a... How do I put this nicely? Disaster.
[flashback montage where doorknobs and door handles break off]
Lincoln: And the doorknob situation.
Lisa: [doorknob] Dang it.
Leni: [fridge door handle] Dang it.
Lynn: [doorknob] Dang it.
Lucy: [attic cord] Dang it.
Lori: [doorknob] Dang it.
Luna: [flusher handle] Dang it.
Lincoln: [doorknob] Dang it.
Lucy: [inhales] Sigh...
Lisa: I still fail to grasp your dilemma, as both would-be suitors are mythological beings.
Lucy: My point was that our walls are ridiculously thin.
Lynn Sr.: All right, everyone, back inside.
[Lynn Sr. attempts to open the door, only for the door handle to break off]
Loud Family: Dang it!
Last edited on 5 September 2021, at 16:56
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