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What Type of Girl Boss Are You?
“The Radish offers satire and parody as commentary and critique on matters of public interest. No article posted on the Radish should be taken literally or viewed as representing truthful statements of the individuals or organizations which may be mentioned in the articles.”
Tess Brennan
May 17, 2021
In the era of girl bosses, do you ever sit back and wonder, what type of girl boss am I? Well, look no further. Read through the carefully constructed list of the types of girl bosses and their most attractive attributes to determine which one resonates with you the most.
Performative Girl Boss- She posted the black square when the BLM protests started, back when it was trendy. Every once in a while she will repost a picture on her Instagram story that is filled with made up information regarding issues of other countries. She also posts links to petitions to stop the crisis in Syria. She is what Greta Thunberg wishes she could be. 
White Savior Girl Boss- She attempts to adopt every child that is not white that she can get her perfectly manicured hands on, even if they already have a loving family. If she is not ready for children, she will travel to Africa over spring break, spend half a day in the nearest underprivileged town, snap a few pictures with some local children and then spend the rest of the trip at a glamorous and expensive resort.
Political Girl Boss- She does not actually have any political orientation but still wants to share her spectacularly uninformed opinions with anyone and everyone, even if they do not want to listen. Her opinion is always right.
Conservative Girl Boss- She is ready to judge anything and everything. She thinks protests are for the weak, but every time she gets word of a gun rally, you will find her maskless and fully armed in the streets.
Liberal Girl Boss- She cares about the causes, but what do you want her to do about it? She was fine with the BLM protests, but she does not think violence and looting was necessary. Would have her husband carry and birth a child if it was possible.
War Criminal Girl Boss- This one is pretty self explanatory.
Gaslighter Girl Boss- She has never done one thing wrong in her life. Even though this queen has lost every friend she has ever made, the friend was always the problem. She is the victim in every situation and dares you to attempt to change her mind.
Granola Girl Boss- She is one with nature and everyone needs to know it. Only shops at Trader Joe’s and Whole Foods, uses wooden utensils and metal straws, and she will spit on anyone using a plastic bag. She would never dream of vaccinating her children, essential oils will do.
Amish Girl Boss- Sends her children to work in the fields the second they take their first step, and then on top of that forces them to wear aprons and bonnets.
Capitalist Girl Boss- Shops at Starbucks and Target on the daily and will post about it on her Snapchat or Instagram story.
Communist Girl Boss- Posts rants on her story about how you should not feed into capitalism and then does a Shein, PacSun, and American Eagle haul the next day. She set up a communist re-education compound in her basement for liberals who have the potential of swaying even farther to the left. She easily draws in her victim with a picture of Obama and a Rosa Luxembourg girl boss poster. 
Woke Girl Boss– She talks about how horrible it is to say slurs, be homophobic and how infuriating it is that so many guys are misogynists; she is describing her boyfriend.
Millennial Girl Boss- Will not let childish Gen-Z take away her side parts, scrunchies, or her Old Navy scarves; but watch out, you really cannot talk to this silly queen before her morning cup of coffee.
Small Business Owner Girl Boss- She will verbally abuse you if you do not support her small business and will guilt trip you into buying her resin trays. Nonetheless, catch her at Starbucks instead of a locally owned coffee shop.
Rockstar Girl Boss- She listens to Nirvana, her favorite song is their least known one “Smells Like Teen Spirit,” and she would never be caught dead listening to Harry Styles.
Art Historian Girl Boss- She was forced to go to an art museum as a bonding experience with her grandparents. Ever since then, all she can talk about is Lisa, the nickname she gave Leonardo di Caprio’s most famous painting. She actually did not make it through the whole museum because after an hour long photoshoot amongst the galleries, she was asked to leave. Apparently no one is allowed to mount the statues. 
Marvel Girl Boss- She watched Infinity War (2h 40m) specifically for Tom Holland (7:30m) and has watched every Loki edit on Youtube.
Wattpad Girl Boss-  Loves Draco Malfoy and longs for an extremely toxic and abusive relationship because they are hot and trendy.
About the Writer
Tess Brennan, Radish Associate Editor
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