“This holiday season, there’s a smart phone app that will tell you how drunk you are. Even better, the app tells you where your pants are and why Brenda left you.”
“What does that say about us as a nation when we believe gay men can now handle armed combat, but aren’t yet ready for the fighting that happens in marriage?”
“This is my last monologue of this year, so before I forget I just want to say thank you for all the people who help me put it together every day: Snooki, Sarah Palin, Tiger Woods, Charlie Sheen …”