Comedy Central

All of America's awesomest products are trademarked, and fear-generating machine Sarah Palin doesn't want to be left out in the unbranded cold! And like any good Mama Grizzly, she seeks to protect her most/least beloved daughter's "brand" as well.

Unfortunately, her initial effort was stymied by the notoriously liberal Ye Ole U.S. Trademark and Patent and Huntin' and Fishin' and Dancin' Office…

"Registration is refused because the applied-for mark, SARAH PALIN, consists of a name identifying a particular living individual whose consent to register the mark is not of record," the patent and trademark office said in an office action.

"Please note this refusal will be withdrawn if applicant provides written consent from the individual identified in the applied-for mark," the patent office said.

They refused her application because it wasn't signed. Well, did God sign the Ten Commandments, or the covenant he made with that one old Jewish dude, or that thing where he sent the Flood? No, no he did not. Therefore, Sarah Palin, who is at least as famous as God and probably has nicer hair, should not be expected to lower herself to sign some sort of official document. And to ask her daughter to do so is honestly tantamount to harassment.

One day, when the blessed One-Palin-Government is established, these concerns will be but a thing of the past. But until that blessed revolution, we can only offer Sarah Palin our deepest sympathy, as well as a reminder that every application we've ever heard of in the history of the world generally does require a signature from someone at some point.

Bad news, everyone. Ava the Avatar, host of the wildly popular and informative Tea Party News Brief will not be running for president. Well, not in 2012 at any rate. Though, maybe after President Bachmann finishes up her third term in 2024, she'll step down, and then maybe we can talk Ava into reconsidering. Maybe?

You gotta admit, the Tea Party movement is looking a lot more sober, intelligible not-utterly-insane than it used to. Definitely an improvement.

(via Videogum)

During a Q&A session before a bunch of students at Southern Methodist University recently, former President George W. Bush — who, say what you will about him, was most decidedly not an isolationist — expressed his concerns about some insidious "isms" that seem to be welling up in one of the two major political movements in America these days…

The quote…

"What's interesting about our country, if you study history, is that there are some 'isms' that occasionally pop up. One is isolationism and its evil twin protectionism and its evil triplet nativism. So if you study the '20s, for example, there was an American-first policy that said, 'Who cares what happens in Europe?'" Bush said.

"And there was an immigration policy that I think during this period argued we had too many Jews and too many Italians, therefore we should have no immigrants. And my point is that we've been through this kind of period of isolationism, protectionism and nativism. I'm a little concerned that we may be going through the same period. I hope that these 'isms' pass."

Funny. As I was watching this, I found myself feeling somewhat impressed that he seemed to know so much about American history and foreign policy. Then I thought, Well, he was the President of the United States for about eight years. (I'm sure that at some point during that time someone must have filled him in.)

Think about all the people who could be our next president. Now, how many of them do you really think could even speak this intelligently about this?

Look! There are some things that we will just never know for sure, and we're gonna have to make our peace with that. Like, what is the root cause of all the strife in the Middle East? And why do Egyptians like beating up on Anderson Cooper so much? And just who was it that put that there moon way up there so high in the sky?

The Colbert Report airs Monday through Thursday at 11:30/10:30c.

Freshman Sen. from Kentucky Rand Paul was somehow talked into getting into a tiny subway car with an ABC reporter to discuss how his brand of Tea Party conservative ideology is going to save America. I'm sure that this whole 15 minute interview will be very interesting to you if you believe that anything that comes out of Paul's mouth has any validity whatsoever…

However, if you're like most people, that's not the case, so let's skip ahead to the important part, when this guy asks Paul if he ever considers running for president in 2012 to unseat the Great Demon in the White House…

"I've only been here a month… We'll see… I'm very much interested in being part of the debate."

This is the best news I've heard since learning of Michele Bachmann's White House aspirations. And the best part is I think his dad is still planning to run. This could be Paul vs. Paul! Father vs. Son. Crazy person vs. crazier person!

Best case scenario, Rand Paul wins the nomination, and then he magnanimously chooses his dad as his running mate…

Or, I guess the other way around could also be pretty fun…

(via Political Wire)