By Rachel Emma Silverman
- Everett Collection
Keeping up with friends amidst other life demands is a topic we’ve discussed often on this blog. One of the most pressing times to attend to a friend, though, is when he or she is grieving for a loved one.
But how best to comfort a friend in mourning? How can you avoid making them feel worse? Should you call a lot, visit, write emails, comment on Facebook? Share your own grief or memories? Or should you leave them alone and give them space? Elizabeth Bernstein addresses these tricky questions in her Bonds column today, providing plenty of dos and don’ts for friends of the bereaved.
I’ve dealt with this issue both as a friend and a mourner. Both experiences have taught me that every person is different when it comes to what comforts—and what bothers them—during mourning, and that these things can also change over time. I was in high school when my father died and my family observed shiva, the Jewish period of mourning, when members of the community come to the home of the bereaved to say prayers and offer condolences (and lots of food.) At that age, I found all the people in my house overwhelming—I just wanted to be alone with my grief and process it in my own way, or I preferred one-on-one conversations with my best friends and closest family members. But for my mom, the presence of her friends, family and the wider community in her house was uplifting.
Despite losing someone very close to me, I still am at a loss for words when trying to comfort friends in grief. And I am still grappling with whether technology—such as email and Facebook—makes the process of comforting someone any easier. This past week, for instance, two friends each lost a parent after long illnesses. Both friends live far away and I keep in touch with them chiefly through Facebook or email—we never talk on the phone. Both friends posted heartfelt tributes to their parents on Facebook and words of grief, condolences and memories immediately came pouring in. I, too, chimed in with my condolences and memories, yet a Facebook comment just didn’t quite seem enough, so I hope to write my friends more private letters (and maybe emails?) too. I still don’t know, though, exactly what to say. As someone who lost a parent I can attest that it is indescribable.
Readers, how have you responded to friends or families who are mourning? Anything you regret doing? Or if you have grieved yourself, what did – and didn’t you—find comforting?
I’m a little late to the discussion but wanted to share. We had two children commit suicide in our school distric in two weeks. I lost one of the greatest teachers and mentors and clinical minds to a sudden death two days ago. While these individuals are somewhat distant to me their sudden departures have impacted me immensly. Eight-hundred students, faculty, staff, neighbors (including Im sure some of those who bullied or otherwise made his life miserable) came to one of the children’s memorial service at the school. We will not be allowed to publicly grieve for my mentor as his family has requested private services and no flowers/acknowledment of his death. So with these distant losses, I find myself impacted and grieving alone for lives cut short and my fear for my young children’s futures and for someone who I will carry with me professionally for as long as I work. And no one to hear my sadness. Weird.
Cal Atty, you sound very thoughtful. When my son died as an infant, I myself was in my early 30s and my parents were very much present. In other words, my son’s family included two older generations who were left to mourn. From a parent/grandparent perspective, it is essential to know that one’s child/grandchild meant something to someone; so your letters will likely be cherished. Noting birthday and death day is a very kind gesture, too. A few of my friends send cards to me on my son’s birth/death days to this day - nearly 10 years later. I treasure each and every note that show people still think of my child.
This weekend I’m attending the funeral of a close friend who died unexpectedly in her mid 30s. I’ve attended so few funerals that I am nervous about how I will react when surrounded by her family (and mine). I’ve struggled to know what to say to her parents, but I’ve written two long-ish notes with memories and thoughts about her. I also like someone’s suggestion of a care package and will consider that over the next few months. I also already have noted on my calendar her birthday and the day she passed away so that I know to reach out to her family then, and at least on those dates from now on.
I found a simple “I’m sorry for your loss” to be the best comment anyone ever made to me in such situations.
I am gaining so much from reading the comments here. Thank you to everyone who has written about their experiences on both sides of grief.