Resolutions for Gradual Improvement

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Associated Press

Kim Jong Il

I RESOLVE TO TAKE KEENER AIM at small rocky islands that attack us from behind the skirts of the debauched Western hag and not to leave so many huts and lean-tos unobliterated. As leader of the Democratic People's Republic of Korea, I will compose a new patriotic song for our thriving nation. I will call it Let's Take Keener Aim at Small Rocky Islands That Attack Us and Not Leave So Many Huts and Lean-tos Unobliterated. I will cause 10,000 costumed children to sing this anthem in a stadium for the hag to show with a smirk in her news media, unaware of the subliminal "Youths, Blow Off Algebra" message in the lyrics. You will not believe the choreography. I tasked Vice Marshal Lee with hiring Mr. Gower Champion, whose fantastic new moving picture, "Hello, Dolly!," I had just enjoyed. I will endeavor to show more mercy the next time an officer says a task is difficult. I will prepare a fantastic memorial for Vice Marshal Lee. One thousand dancers scissor-kicking in unison. I will task Vice Marshal Park with engaging Mr. Busby Berkeley. I will change our name to The Only Democratic People's Republic of Korea, for clarity. I will offer my people a second ice cream flavor. I will call it "chocolate."

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WE RESOLVE TO BE EVEN MORE HELPFUL CLEANING UP next time an unforeseeable catastrophe belches forth from one of our deep-water wells. We resolve to start with the unforeseeable catastrophe coming up in mid-March at Rig 78 in the Mariana Trench, where the gas readings have been looking a little dodgy on that screaming red monitor covered by the sleeping guy's face. Last summer we tried the Top Hat and the Bottom Kill. This time we're thinking Velvet Homburg and Smashmouth Bung-Up. Then we bring in the giant Cherry Red Blahniks. If it sounds like we're making this stuff up as we go along, rest assured, these are tried and true. We're just adapting them to conditions 5,000 feet below the surface of the sea, from their current use as garage bands.

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I VOW TO REDACT THE NAMES BEFORE POSTING THIS YEAR'S LEAKS, if you will just remove this ankle bracelet. For example, in my forthcoming leak on Mike Mullen's secret panties, I will call Mike Mullen "Person X." It's really itchy.

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Associated Press

A Blockbuster sign on a store is seen in Barre, Vt.

WE WILL RENT OUT THESE VIDEOS if we have to slap a slice of ham on them and call it an open-face sandwich. That's our New Year's resolution here at Blockbuster. Do you know how embarrassing it is to be on a first-name basis with your entire customer base while your grandmother switches to Netflix? Enough. We resolve to recapture our glory. We resolve to bust out of bankruptcy court like Seabiscuit, leaving a trail of trampled red envelopes in our wake. We will expand our online presence. We will achieve synergies with Barnes & Noble. We will ... We ... We smell death. Somehow the name makes it worse. If only we'd called it Lou's Video it wouldn't seem like such a comedown. But Blockbuster. This is excruciating. We've got nothing left. We've already changed the slogan from Go Home Happy to Rent It While It's Still a New Release. What's next, For God's Sake Stop Monkeying Around Over There and Take "The Expendables"?

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NEXT TIME I HAVE AN AFFAIR, I AM ABSOLUTELY GOING TO HAVE SEX. What did I get out of that anyway? An "executive greeter" in a little black dress, some hotel dinners in her room, trash talk from Palmisano and a bad rep in Palo Alto. And for what? Next time, definitely, the sex.

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AFP/Getty Images

Shoppers during "Midnight Madness" at the Tyson's Corner Center mall in Tyson's Corner, Virginia, Nov. 26, 2010.

WE, THE NATION'S CONSUMERS, RESOLVE TO CONSUME MORE in 2011. We know we didn't consume enough in 2010 to give businesses the confidence they need to start hiring again, and that this is playing havoc with Jeff Immelt's and Sergio Marchionne's self-esteem. We know we account for 70% of GDP, 70% of GDP, again and again it comes up, like a DJ scratch, and how do you think it makes us feel? If only we had bought that shrink-wrapped 1,000-Pak of tartar-control Crest last Saturday at Costco, Bob McDonald and Jim Sinegal wouldn't have spent the weekend in a crisis of confidence, unshaven and scowling at the kids, and might have hired us Monday morning. It was only $178. That's five cents a brushing, straight through the 2012 Final Four, if you skip the bicuspids.

Write to Peter Jeffrey at peter.jeffrey@wsj.com