Let's admit it. The Oscars may be a big deal, but they're not usually thrilling TV. With a self-important audience capable of sucking the humor out of the most capable hosts (hello, Jon Stewart) and more meandering acceptance speeches than there are Scientologists in Hollywood, getting through the Academy's telecast can be tougher than sitting through a Nicolas Cage movie. Of course, as anyone who's been to a family reunion knows, there is an easy way to transform a night surrounded by awkward bores into a rollicking good time: get drunk. In that spirit, we've laid out this year's awards favorites with drink recommendations to celebrate our predictive prowess, and of course some back-up drinks. So grab some friends and drink your way to an award-winning night. A word of caution: Exercise moderation or risk acquiring a reputation as the Charlie Sheen of your social circle.
Hosts: Every time Anne Hathaway or James Franco makes a sarcastic dig at their co-host and they both laugh way too hard, just take a small sip of beer. You don't want to black out halfway through the show, after all.
Best Supporting Actor: Since crack's illegal, if Christian Bale wins for “The Fighter,” mix a Slim Fast shake with half a fifth of the cheapest vodka you can find at your local liquor store and pound it while running in place. If Bale accepts the award looking like he's already started bulking back up for the next Batman movie, use Muscle Milk.
If the Academy decides to support the underdog (ha!) by choosing John Hawkes, from “Winter's Bone,” quaff a repurposed Mountain Dew bottle full of moonshine.
Best Supporting Actress: If Hailee Steinfeld wins for her stunning big-screen debut in “True Grit,” breathe a sigh of relief and take a slow sip of your beer while pondering your mortality.
If anyone else wins, finish your beer and throw the empty can at your television.
Best Actor: If, as expected, Colin Firth wins for historical drama “The King's Speech,” grab the most expensive bottle of alcohol you can find, and drink until you begin to develop a speech impediment.
If the voters try to pander to a younger demographic by giving the award to Jesse Eisenberg for his work in “The Social Network,” take your shirt off and swig Jagermeister from the bottle while your friends take photos and post them to Facebook.
If James Franco somehow wins for “127 Hours,” take a sip every time he or Hathaway mentions it for the rest of the telecast. Two drinks if Franco reveals that the whole show has been an elaborate performance art piece.
Best Actress: When, we mean, if Natalie Portman wins for “Black Swan,” mix yourself one White Russian and one Black Russian, and then try to drink them simultaneously. Bonus points if you start hallucinating your doppelganger after finishing your drinks.
If the Academy decides to — oh, who are we kidding, Portman is going to win.
Best Director: If Darren Aronofsky wins for “Black Swan,” drink until you don't mind that all his movies are stories about characters brought to the edge of mental collapse by their obsession with ballet/wrestling/math/drugs.
If Tom Hooper wins for “The King's Speech,” buy tickets for a showing tomorrow before you pass out — no kidding, everybody says it's really fantastic.
Best Picture: We're not even going to try to predict who will win Best Picture. After all, if “Crash” can win, we wouldn't be surprised if “Tron” won as a write-in candidate. If you're still standing at this point, congratulate yourself with a nice big glass of water and then go to bed, just in case they decide to show Joan Rivers in HD again — you don't want to be sick all over your coffee table, after all.
-- Daniel Siegal
Correction: An earlier version of this post indicated that David Fincher had previously won an Oscar. He has yet to win.
Photo: Beer splashes in a mug. Credit: ShutterStock
Library Bar's Matt Biancaniello
Andrew Olsen
