Stuart BradfordDo you treat yourself as well as you treat your friends and family?
That simple question is the basis for a burgeoning new area of psychological research called self-compassion — how kindly people view themselves. People who find it easy to be supportive and understanding to others, it turns out, often score surprisingly low on self-compassion tests, berating themselves for perceived failures like being overweight or not exercising.
The research suggests that giving ourselves a break and accepting our imperfections may be the first step toward better health. People who score high on tests of self-compassion have less depression and anxiety, and tend to be happier and more optimistic. Preliminary data suggest that self-compassion can even influence how much we eat and may help some people lose weight.
This idea does seem at odds with the advice dispensed by many doctors and self-help books, which suggest that willpower and self-discipline are the keys to better health. But Kristin Neff, a pioneer in the field, says self-compassion is not to be confused with self-indulgence or lower standards.
“I found in my research that the biggest reason people aren’t more self-compassionate is that they are afraid they’ll become self-indulgent,” said Dr. Neff, an associate professor of human development at the University of Texas at Austin. “They believe self-criticism is what keeps them in line. Most people have gotten it wrong because our culture says being hard on yourself is the way to be.”
Imagine your reaction to a child struggling in school or eating too much junk food. Many parents would offer support, like tutoring or making an effort to find healthful foods the child will enjoy. But when adults find themselves in a similar situation — struggling at work, or overeating and gaining weight — many fall into a cycle of self-criticism and negativity. That leaves them feeling even less motivated to change.
“Self-compassion is really conducive to motivation,” Dr. Neff said. “The reason you don’t let your children eat five big tubs of ice cream is because you care about them. With self-compassion, if you care about yourself, you do what’s healthy for you rather than what’s harmful to you.”
Dr. Neff, whose book, “Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind,” is being published next month by William Morrow, has developed a self-compassion scale: 26 statements meant to determine how often people are kind to themselves, and whether they recognize that ups and downs are simply part of life.
A positive response to the statement “I’m disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies,” for example, suggests lack of self-compassion. “When I feel inadequate in some way, I try to remind myself that feelings of inadequacy are shared by most people” suggests the opposite.
For those low on the scale, Dr. Neff suggests a set of exercises — like writing yourself a letter of support, just as you might to a friend you are concerned about. Listing your best and worst traits, reminding yourself that nobody is perfect and thinking of steps you might take to help you feel better about yourself are also recommended.
Other exercises include meditation and “compassion breaks,” which involve repeating mantras like “I’m going to be kind to myself in this moment.”
If this all sounds a bit too warm and fuzzy, like the Al Franken character Stuart Smalley (“I’m good enough, I’m smart enough, and doggone it, people like me”), there is science to back it up. A 2007 study by researchers at Wake Forest University suggested that even a minor self-compassion intervention could influence eating habits. As part of the study, 84 female college students were asked to take part in what they thought was a food-tasting experiment. At the beginning of the study, the women were asked to eat doughnuts.
One group, however, was given a lesson in self-compassion with the food. “I hope you won’t be hard on yourself,” the instructor said. “Everyone in the study eats this stuff, so I don’t think there’s any reason to feel real bad about it.”
Later the women were asked to taste-test candies from large bowls. The researchers found that women who were regular dieters or had guilt feelings about forbidden foods ate less after hearing the instructor’s reassurance. Those not given that message ate more.
The hypothesis is that the women who felt bad about the doughnuts ended up engaging in “emotional” eating. The women who gave themselves permission to enjoy the sweets didn’t overeat.
“Self-compassion is the missing ingredient in every diet and weight-loss plan,” said Jean Fain, a psychotherapist and teaching associate at Harvard Medical School who wrote the new book “The Self-Compassion Diet” (Sounds True publishing). “Most plans revolve around self-discipline, deprivation and neglect.”
Dr. Neff says that the field is still new and that she is just starting a controlled study to determine whether teaching self-compassion actually leads to lower stress, depression and anxiety and more happiness and life satisfaction.
“The problem is that it’s hard to unlearn habits of a lifetime,” she said. “People have to actively and consciously develop the habit of self-compassion.”
Healthy living doesn’t happen at the doctor’s office. The road to better health is paved with the small decisions we make every day. It’s about the choices we make when we buy groceries, drive our cars and hang out with our kids. Join columnist Tara Parker-Pope as she sifts through medical research and expert opinions for practical advice to help readers take control of their health and live well every day. 
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I completely agree with this, and I can’t wait for the book to come out. Like anything, this is easier said than done as stated in the article. I definitely fall into the category of “self-hater” though I can confidently describe myself as compassionate toward others. I am not overweight, I have a good job, etc, and I also know inside that I am too hard on myself, but it does keep me “in line” so to speak on occasion. There are days though, where I beat my psyche to a pulp and it leaves me feeling drained and depressed.
I think it’s also important, though not mentioned in this article, to surround yourself with positive influences. An outwardly negative person you are in contact with on a regular basis will only exacerbate your own issues by reinforcing them.
For example, if you’re always saying how much you hate your body or you hate that you have grey hair, this person may be like “Yeah, well, it’s all part of getting old.. welcome to the club!” that is a negative response and attitude you want to stay away from or ignore. While old age can’t be remedied, you weight can as well as your grey hair (though being a proud “silver fox” myself, I would never resort to such measures).
It is of course something that takes practice, and after a very difficult day it may be impossible to do.. but.. keep at it.. soon your good days will outnumber your bad.
Jim
— JimThanks so much for this great article! Self-love and positive self regard are indeed factors that contribute to happiness. We are so fortunate to now know that 40% of our happiness is up to us. we can raise our happiness quotient or “set point” by practicing specific behaviors and attitudes proven to increase joy and life fulfillment. I invite women 50+ to learn more about the science of happiness at my blog,
— Connie Clarkhttp://www.joyafterfifty.com.
Self compassion when it’s appropriate is wonderful and healing. But some of the nastiest and most destructive people I’ve ever known have self-compassion in spades. I don’t think this is a one size fits all kind of an issue–the more self compassion the better.
For example, “A positive response to the statement “I’m disapproving and judgmental about my own flaws and inadequacies,” for example, suggests lack of self-compassion. But what if the person was cruel? Dishonest? Are those not flaws worth self-disapproval?
This sounds like it could quickly morph into another version of the everybody’s a winner self-esteem movement.
— TalbotMuch more complex issues resulting in eating problems that self compassion can remedy. May I suggest to those doing research to consider the importance of patients learning to re-parent, because it is the experiences of infancy and early childhood where physical & emotional abuse, emotional deprivation are at the root of manipulating how food is used in adult hood. I speak from experience, not as a doctor. I recently retired with multiple physical illnesses that are affected by emotional stressors. While medicine is aware of this point, the field of patients self nuturing on the most infantile level is not discussed. Consider the phenom of women ‘adopting’ new born and realistic baby dolls to understand the unconscious craving for love and physical touch people explore in attempts to heal, a fundamental need before food, drug/alcohol abuse issues can be addressed.
— RaeSelf-compassion not only helps dieters, but anyone trying to make an important life change, from quitting smoking to conquering procrastination.
Here’s a 15-min talk from the recent Stanford Happiness Conference describing the research on the importance of self-compassion for mental health and self-control/change:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OkZy2sd2jnc
— KellyWonderful post! The latest reason I love, love love the Well blog. There are many of us who are our own worst enemy. Compassion for others and our human plight begin with acceptance of our own difficulties and forgiving ourselves for having those difficulties. Thank you, this made my day.
— Laura M.In response to Talbot — self compassion isn’t some kind of carte blanche to be nasty and self serving or to behave however we want without regard to others. It’s not about taking a blind eye to one’s shortcomings or bad behaviors. It’s just the opposite. It’s seeing ourselves honestly, and when we do poorly, to note that forthrightly without piling on with added self-condemnation about what bad people we are.
I would guess that these nasty people to whom you’re attributing self-compassion are in fact in possession of some other quality, like inflated self-esteem. True compassion for self or others is a kind of medicine, and tends to be an antidote to bad behavior.
— cgI’m currently on a diet, and this article has given a new light to my plan. It’s exciting to hear that there is a “missing ingredient” to most diets–not that my diet is failing miserably or anything–it’s just reassuring to know that I am making the right decisions and that I will love myself no matter what. I recommend this article to all those who are trapped in their own self-discipline and are striving to seek a happy, yet moderate life.
— AgnesI’ll need to take some time to process this. NO ONE in the world hates me more than I hate myself. It’s my life mantra, along with “I do not deserve nice things.” This would be a 180 degree shift in thinking for me. People often ask me why I am so kind to others and so hard on myself. My answer always has been that someone has to ride herd on me or I’ll completely fall apart.
— Kim from NebraskaI would love to hear more about this regarding parenting and children. I’m wondering how we teach the skill of self-compassion to our children, especially when they fail. My daughter had a “very public failure” on Saturday at Barnes and Noble : http://livewithflair.blogspot.com/2011/02/very-public-failure-for-my-daughter.html but her community all came around and supported her and reminded her of the truth regarding her “failure.” She completely recovered and hasn’t looked back! I’m convinced that self-compassion in children is an overlooked life skill. Thanks.
— LivewithFlair“Love your neighbor as yourself,” from the Torah and the New Testament, many say is equivalent to the golden rule. For my mathematical mind the, “as yourself” seems to fit this article. To care about anyone else = you have to care about yourself.
gm
— Gerry MyersWhy do we need more studies (and to spend more money) to verify that compassion must be extended to all, including to ourselves, in
— Dougorder to lead a contented life. Every world religion has teachings on
self-compassion as a means of living the good life. The teachings of Buddha, as an example, states that one can not be of full benefit to
other beings until the giver feels compassion for him or herself. Until then one’s life is filled with emotional peaks and valley’s. Look into
your own mind if you want to live upon a placid mountain lake.
I think this topic is really big. I was blessed to study mindfulness with a wonderful teacher for a number of years. I learned to watch my mind and notice when a judgmental though floated in. Instead of believing it, adding to it, acting on it etc, I just noticed it’s presence. Boy was this helpful for me. I’ve been goal oriented my entire life and rated myself based on my achievements. I’ve let the rating go. I’m still goal oriented, but without the judgment. It’s like stepping out of a noisy room into a quiet and peaceful one.
http://www.drbaileyskincare.com/blog/
— Cynthia Bailey MD, DermatologistI became a self-loather because I have better data than anyone else. My best self was present when my operating self hijacked the prime cut of my future. It still does, and I was called to account for it today at work.
That said, a serious question: if we don’t hold ourselves to high performance standards, how can we, ethically and morally, expect others to meet those standards?
This is my gravamen with the author’s argument. It has either not been made well, or not been made clearly enough.
FROM TPP– I think self-compassion in many ways holds us to a higher standard than self loathing. We do good things for people we love — we take care of them, feed them well, make sure they are happy and safe. The suggestion here is that if we love ourselves more, we will treat ourselves better.
— DAROh good grief! Americans think so highly of themselves as it is. Really there shouldn’t be more encouragement..
— Rachel EnglerGreat post. I think it can be very common that we are our own worst critics. Short comings we are so ready to forgive in others we beat ourselves up over. Further, the basis of the vast majority of diets is caloric restriction. To me this is the reason people have such a difficult time finding and maintaining a healthy weight. We live in a culture surrounded by high calorie, nutritionally deficient food. The average person will pass half a dozen fast food restaurants on their commute to work and many of the foods we consider healthy (dairy, whole grains, soy) are really counter productive to keeping a lean and healthy body. Valuing your health and equipping yourself with the information to get truly healthy is a great start towards real positive change.
— John Hhttp://www.hoctorfamilychiropractic.com
Ms. Parker-Pope’s argument cannot stand because it is entirely possible to take care of ourselves, feed ourselves well, and ensure we are happy (OK, this one isn’t so good) and safe.
I understand her point though don’t agree with it. I may be quite logical at a cognitive level if I self-loath, and quite logical at a reptilian-brain level if I still engage in survival rather than suicidal behaviours. It’s an unhappy tension at times, but at least it’s a familiar neighbourhood.
Thank you also for the courtesy of posting a comment. DAR
— DARSounds like a “yuppie” 70’s child that has bought into self-worship, not self-love.. thus one could never give freely of themselves.. as they will look out for number one always. How very “Republican” AKA Calvinistic to declare the self “chosen” and thus can do no wrong. Of course, that is America’s cultural standard.. like we are all supposed to be aspiring tennis pro;s.. IE in tennis, love means nothing and the object of the game is to score.. even on your best friend.
— DoubtingTomAs a clinical psychologist and author who has been actively researching various approaches to personal change, I was excited to see you highlight Kristin Neff’s work. As Dr. Neff pointed out, many people unfortunately resist approaching themselves with self-compassion. For them, it can be helpful to take a step back and increase their self-awareness, which will lead them to seeing how their negative self-relationships perpetuate their problems. Once they gain this insight, the idea of developing self-compassion is a natural step. Enter the wonderful and illuminating work of Dr. Neff. For some thoughts on combining self-compassion with increased self-awareness, see my work on compassionate self-awareness. A good place to start is: Getting Advice? Here’s how to make it work http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/making-change/201005/getting-advice-heres-how-make-it-work
Leslie Becker-Phelps, PhD
— Leslie Becker-Phelps, Ph.D.Adopting this positive self-help message helped me to lose thirty pounds slowly over two years. Recently I gained back a few pounds, and I am turning to compassion as an effective diet strategy, in addition to watching the snacks and trying to up the activity level. There really is no other way – the opposite tact is generally self-defeating.
— Robin.. I’ve often said .. don’t beat yourself up, thats what friends and family is for ..
— michaelAll so true. compassion for ourselves is the foundation of compassion for others and for any serious spiritual program. If there were more of it floating around we would all be healthier and happier.
– Wonks Anonymous
— Chris Martin1) I want to see how they establish causation rather than correlation. I am a slim person, and I don’t have a tendency to put on weight. It’s very easy for me to practice self-acceptance, because ultimately I don’t need to try.
Similarly, depressed people maybe find self acceptance hard BECAUSE of the depression. A lesson is self-acceptance would not necessarily correct the factors that led to the depression in the first place.
2) Does self-acceptance correlate to success in anything other than weight loss? Do you think that self-compassionate people (or nations) can be competitive in a very competitive world? As far as I am concerned, most people would rather be ill and successful than healthy and average.
— Me :)This works. I have done it. Two major accidents: Kenya 1996 and Japan 2002 left me crippled and unable to walk. The X-Rays mandated a bi-focal hip replacement for rheumatic arthritis. I can jog now. Without the hip replacement and with nothing artificial in my body. I directed gratitude to my legs. I remembered and thanked them for all the good times they had given me. Sports, mountaineering. I apologised and commiserated with them for the condition that I had brought them to. Voila! I can jog. Painlessly. Ofcourse, lots and lots of Jo-rei helped as well.
— S. Suchindranath AiyerMany of those posting negative comments on the subject seem to be confusing self-compassion with self-indulgence. The two are not similar at all.
— mdsa