Expat teens become lost on return to home countries

By DIANA AL-JASSEM | ARAB NEWS

Published: Mar 25, 2011 00:37 Updated: Mar 25, 2011 00:37

JEDDAH: Many expatriate families have expressed concerns at difficulties that their children, who have lived all or most of their lives in the Kingdom, experience when they return to their home countries for good.

Many of these children become used to life in the Kingdom and struggle to cope when they return to their countries of origin. Most expatriates come to the Kingdom to earn money, and return after a number of years, a shift that often leaves their children in turmoil.

Abdulhakim Al-Mardoud is a Syrian engineer who worked in Jeddah for 17 years before leaving for good.

Al-Mardoud, who is from a traditional Syrian family that lives in a small village, said that on returning to Syria, his son became very independent and that he struggles to keep him under control.

“Most expatriate families who live in Saudi Arabia have a strict regime for their kids. This doesn’t end even after their kids become teenagers. We lived in Jeddah until my son turned 17. During that time, he wasn’t allowed to leave home and go out with his friends,” said Al-Mardoud.

“I was his only friend apart from some of his class fellows at school. My son’s main concern was watching Saudi football matches and playing football with his classmates. He used to always stay at home and never used to go out or ask me if he could go. I used to think this was his character and that he is very shy and calm,” he added.

Things, however, changed after the family left the Kingdom. “On coming to Syria he changed totally. He has become very inquisitive. He wants to go everywhere and discover Syria. I used to be his best friend, but now he wants to make new friends and go out with his relatives. He’s also recently struck friendships with girls from our extended family,” said Al-Mardoud.

He added that while living in Jeddah, he could limit his son’s movements by stressing that they were expatriates and needed to be disciplined. “After returning to Syria, he keeps saying that we’re in our home country. He says he wants to hang out with his cousins and that there shouldn’t be a problem as this isn’t Saudi Arabia. He’s also started taking decisions without consulting me,” said Al-Mardoud.

Maha Taher is an Egyptian teacher and mother of three who lived in Saudi Arabia for 11 years. She moved to Egypt along with her children, while her husband decided to remain for work. At first she thought raising her children in Cairo would be better for her children’s sake. Now she thinks otherwise.

“I thought raising my children in Cairo would help them in their education. However, after coming here, I’ve become busy with the new lifestyle and this has affected their education,” she said.

“One of the main problems I’ve faced is balancing between my children’s education and social life,” she said, adding that her children have struggled to settle down in Cairo.

“They like the entertainment opportunities in Cairo. In Jeddah, I was able to force them to stay at home. In Jeddah they couldn’t go anywhere unless they had money, but the situation in Cairo is different. There are many free tourist destinations and they can also get money off their other relatives whereas in Jeddah they couldn’t do this,” she said.

Taher has been able to control her two daughters and settle them down. She has, however, struggled with her son. “He never misses an opportunity to go to the movies and watch football matches. I still can’t believe he’s so free and walks around,” she added.

Some expatriates said their children become big spenders when they return to their home countries. Ola Al-Zeben, a Jordanian mother of one, left Riyadh for Amman after 20 years.

“Me and my husband were forced to leave for Amman at a critical time when my daughter was 17 and at high school. We left and we were sure that this would affect her education and behavior because Amman is more liberal than Riyadh,” said Al-Zeben.

“During her time in Riyadh, the only entertainment she had was going to the mall. Now, in Jordan she visits every place of interest. She also never misses a music concert. She believes that she is free and can spend money freely,” she said.

“As a teenager, she feels that life in Amman was the best. Making friends with boys is not an issue whereas it wasn’t even an option in Riyadh. She’s become rather wild and this has affected her education. As a result, she failed to get a good score in high school,” said Al-Zeben.

Most expatriate families say that they can offer their children everything in the Kingdom except freedom and independence.

Maya Hajjo, a psychiatrist who works at a private hospital in Jeddah, said that most expatriate children feel insecure and yearn for independence. “Children enjoy their disciplined life in the Kingdom because that’s all they know. However, once they discover the world out there they are unable to control themselves,” said Hajjo.

She added that for expatriate teenagers who return to their home countries, searching for an identity and doing all those things that they could not in the Kingdom becomes their main goal.

“They believe that having lots of friends, going out and having romantic relationships will empower them and bring them satisfaction. … The parents suffer when they see all those efforts they made to keep their children in line while in the Kingdom going down the drain,” she said.

Comments

23 Comments
Post your comment
Read all

AHMED

Mar 25, 2011 21:00

Report abuse

Its about time, Saudi Society should accept the international rule that if an expat lives a great portion of their lives severing their country they should grant them right to be citizen with passports to their born children in that country. How come Saudis go to UK, US and Europe get foreign passports and why the injustice to us? The UK US and European countries follow basic human rights. Saudi Arabia should consider and work out a system or otherwise this will become another problem for them in the future that the expat 's children will demand their basic right to stay.

ALWAYS FREE

Mar 25, 2011 21:19

Dear Almardoud, I read all the opinions you articulated, and it is apparent that you have been exercising a hard-line instructions on your son, thereby leaving him as wild as he is now after you left the kingdom. His being shy and calm does not take the responsibility off your should so that you can sit back with no intervention from your part to stop such asymmetries in his behavior. Your son is the resultant of your directions.

Also I appreciate all the female expatriates who have been working non-stop. I have to say to all you: Thank you! You left the kingdom with fabulous touch and outlook. We have been constantly learning from you day in day out, and it is the right moment for you to leave to your country of your origin. You may as well contribute to building up your country in the light of the experiences you gained from your long-staying life in Saudi Arabia. Wish you all the best

CANUK

Mar 25, 2011 21:22

This article defines the very challenge of ALL parents in ALL cultures. How do you teach the children the immense responsibility of freedom? Those with much freedom must carry an equal amount of responsibility and humanity. Regardless of your religion or culture, freedom to think and do must be tempered with responsibility to the family, neighbors, population, country. Oppression of freedom only serves to build resentment, causing unabated actions, commentary and anarchy. What is needed is balance, and every parent acting and teaching each child to be responsible to the world (and everyone in it) in their free decisions. The violence we see, and ALL regret, comes from a lack of balance between freedom and responsibility on all sides.

Mar 25, 2011 21:24

Teenage kids not listening to their parents is news? And KSA is a good country to raise kids because parents can confine their kids to the house? What does the author expect teenagers to do - renounce worldly possessions and lead a life of a hermit in the Himalayas?

M AHMAD

Mar 25, 2011 21:26

It is the responsibility of parents not only to support their children's material needs but also to prepare them to become responsible citizens when exposed to real world where they have to make choices between good and bad. We cannot do that by keeping them in a protected environment and hoping them to perform when they are exposed to attractions of the independent life. The virtue of living in the kingdom is that we can teach out kids that an Islamic way of life is fully compatible with modern day life and one does not have to sacrifice on the Islamic and cultural values to live a happy and prosperous life. Regular trips back home and interaction of kids with their relations over there in a controlled manner will be more valuable than keeping them completely isolated and then expecting them to remain 'the angles' when they get the opportunities to interact with their native communities.

DAVE KAISER

Mar 25, 2011 21:33

If anything, it is the parents who have problems adjusting, not the youth. Young people are resilient and adjust to any environment. The parents, not so easily.

My family and I lived in the Kingdom more than 20 years. It WAS difficult (and still is) for my wife and me to adjust to our return to the US after that amount of time.

We returned to the US for our son to go to high school. He went to public school in Florida and fit right in, in fact was somewhat of a celebrity--one of the few students in his high school who has lived overseas.

Due to the excellent schooling he had in Dhahran he was ahead of most other students, he had already read all of the required texts and got off to a flying start. The school here offered advanced courses in preparing students to go to college and our son was a year ahead when he went into college.

Students who were educated in the Kingdom and traveled widely have a totally unique perspective on the world and politics. They see US politicians and foreign policy for what they are and easily ascertain their motivations.

Not so easy for parents who return home and can not so easily adjust to the change, miss the lifestyle in the Kingdom and find a majority of their friends and acquaintances were developed in Saudi Arabia.

NICK MCCONNELL

Mar 25, 2011 21:36

After some thought, I've concluded that this is an excellent report.

My initial reaction was negative. I thought, "Good heavens, this is just the tip of an enormous iceberg - even just a snowflake atop a huge glacier!"

My first thoughts ran not only to the troubles for children returning to the native countries of their parents (as in this report) but also, for example, to Saudi youngsters who attend universities in the West: it's unfortunately very common that they are unsuccessful in coping with Western freedoms and customs, damaging their own futures. Even more significant (both for individuals and entire societies) are the troubles of second-generation immigrants to the West, whose parents raise them to respect the cultural norms of the parents, while the child attempts to live within the cultural norms of their adopted society. Resulting difficulties are widespread, from honor killings of children who don't follow the cultural norms of their parents, to children becoming terrorists, attempting to force their adopted society to conform to their parents' cultural norms. Less dramatic but perhaps just as significant are the children's feelings of alienation, no matter what they do.

All such instances point to critical needs for parents to realize what they are doing (by rearing children in other than their own cultures or permitting them to live in foreign cultures) and for psychologists and sociologists to alert parents to the potential problems and possible solutions. Somewhat analogous is the fate of captive animals released into the wild. Usually, it fails. Both for children and animals (which, unfortunately, sometimes seem to be quite similar!) it's necessary to methodically and carefully prepare them for their new experiences, by simultaneously giving them both necessary experiences (e.g., of new freedoms) and appropriate guidance (so they develop their own self control). That, of course, is much easier said than done; it require attention essentially every single day of the child's life.

But then I thought: no single report could cover all this. What the author has done was excellent: show a few specific examples, let readers absorb those examples, and then, let's see if the needed discussions will begin.

ARK

Mar 25, 2011 21:38

really it is difficult for the children born here and staying all the time till they have to go backfor their countries for higher education. when they go back they can not adjust in a complete new life style for thich they are not acoustumed. i will request that atleast for thoes children who born here or stayed for a long time from ther adolcence should get atleast right to stay and work here. they love this country more than any other .

Mar 25, 2011 21:51

Allexpatriate parents raising their children in the kingdom should realise that they are living in an 'artificial'environment where they can controlthe activities and movement of their children in an 'ideal' manner. This gives them a big 'advantage' over the parents raising their children in the real world; and takes many worries out of their lives. This setup however has its inherent disadvantages. It does not prepare the children for their future lives which are more likely tobe spent in other parts of the world including their native land; it does not allow them to become 'street-smart' like their counterparts living back home; it does not expose them to the situation where they can learn to choose the goodness even if it is not attractive and reject the badness even if it is shinny and attractive; it does not allow them to become responsible adults by gradually gaining financial and social independance and learning to use their independance in a responsible manner;it can and does indeed impede their personality growth. Our responsibility as a parent is not just confined to financing the food and educational requirements of out children. Our real responsibility as parents is to facilitate our children to become responsible individuals, capable on their own to choose between what is right and what is wrong. This goal can not be achieved by feeling satisfied in keeping our children in a pretected and confined environment. The situation that the parents moving back home experience, and a few examples are given in the above news item, is a natural rebound when kids come out of a confined environment to the 'real' world. Parents in the kingdom need to expose their chidren more often to their native family environment and teach them to learn from the real world individuals. Of course, there are many advantages on living in the kingdom, our childrn can get exposure to many virtues of Islam practiced here and practically experience their benefits.They can also experience a modern living environment and learn that moderanization can be achieved without sacrificing your religious and social values. My comments are based upon our personal experience of raising a son and a daughter in saudi arabia and then moving with them back home.

YASIN

Mar 25, 2011 21:53

this is a pointless article... expatriate kids here have no country... its kind of a shock ,realizing, after spending your whole life somewhere, that you are not wanted there at all.... why do expatriate children have to feel like they came to this country 5 minutes ago..thats the issue you should be addressing...

AYAN

Mar 25, 2011 21:55

If the parents instill good values in the children they will remain the same wherever they go. If the children are told the restrictions are present only because they are in saudi arabia, it is natural that will try to explore new things when these restrictions are removed in other countries. It is the duty of the parents to tell the children that these restrictions are for their own good, and they have to follow the same values wherever they go. And ofcourse the same applies to the parents themselves!. Often the children follow their parents, if the parents themselves change their behavior in other countries, the children will follow suit.
Ultimately good upbringing with Islamic values is what is required, rather than depending on the government restrictions. There are many children who were brought up in the foreign countries mentioned in the article, but their moral behavior is much better than the teens here.

MOHAMED RAFEEK

Mar 25, 2011 21:57

Yes....This is absolutely right .... I fully agree on the above lines. May Almighty Allah bless all of us in the right path and to give a good islamic life for our children (who lived in the kingdom of Saudi Arabia for a long time).

ANONYMUS

Mar 25, 2011 22:02

Everything mentioned above is very true. The children growup in Saudi Arabia are very much under control of the parents while in there own home countries they experiance many difficulties. Unfortunately there is no law that any children born to non Saudi fathers can become citizens eventhough there mothers are Saudi nationals. These Saudi women face EXTREME difficulties to keep there children with them in Saudi Arabia when there husbands died or if they lose the job. These children are on the mercy of the other Saudi nationals (sponsors/kafil) regardless of there mothers being citizens of this same country. Many times there sponsor threaten them for sending in EXIT which they cannot afford as they dont have anything in there own country. This country is there own country as half of there family, especially there mother, is allready Saudi. I hope and pray that authorities will look into this humanitarian problem and find a solutions. There is no harm if these children are also given citizenship at the time of birth same and the children who born to Saudi fathers but non sauid wifes. After all this is the country of there parent, regardless of father or of mother.

TRAE

Mar 25, 2011 22:06

why is this being covered again it was only covered a few months back are we recycling news topics now, I'm sure the Kingdom has other news reports

SHADAB

Mar 25, 2011 22:07

so Wat people lives in India r more disciplines than people living here,n restricting da life in 4 walls doesn't make any sense... of-course outside Saudi life r more enjoyable but on other side more competitive also...

Mar 25, 2011 22:08

i don't understand why people r focusing to live in this country ,this is not a matter of living in the country its about restricting the life of Young one in 4 walls,if u restrict the life of young ones then it would make them angel the author meant to be that..

ABU_SAAHIL

Mar 26, 2011 00:29

i pity the expat children who live in the kingdom like a "frog in the pond". their ultimate entertainment is visiting the malls or talking to friends endlessly on the cell phone. so, its no wonder if they try to rebel when they return to their own countries. 'cos, suddenly they find "THERE IS LIFE EXISTING OUTSIDE KSA", unlike their parents believed.

SULAIMAN

Mar 26, 2011 00:31

I was in the Kingdom myself for 4 years, with my young family (7, 6 and the youngest one, 3, born there), and I will always be grateful that they had that time in such a relatively safe, caring and family-centered environment. The effect on my eldest two, and through them, the youngest, is till evident 10 years later, in terms of their character and sense of identity.
I recognised while I was there that many of the children of long-term expats ran into problems of identity and ethnic affiliation - they were neither Saudis nor natives of their parents' homelands. They were also denied access to higher education there, so were either denied it completely, or left the country to stay with relatives while studying, or with their mother or the whole family leaving the Kingdom to allow them to study.
I was fortunate that my only intention in going to the Kingdom was for my children's environment while young, so when Allahu ta'aalaa indicated that I should go back to the UK, the decision was easy to make. I realised very quickly that the reason for going back was for the issues that many of the commentators above have mentioned - my children needed to have an identity as nationals and citizens of their home country, and needed exposure to the society and people in which they will probably spend their lives. They are now maturing in to Muslim British citizens, and will inshaa Allaah be able to make their life choices based on Islaamic values - the best we can hope for as Muslim parents, whichever country we are from.

JOWHAR P

Mar 26, 2011 00:32

If the author is justifying the way children are raised in the Kingdom (by keeping them in the vicinity of their parents at home), it is wrong. I must say that it is the wrong way of upbringing the children.
The children will react only this way when they get an opportunity to 'explore' the outside world because they were denied that when they were here.
The only way to control the children is to educate them about the good and the bad.. to make them understand what would happen to them when they do things that they shouldn't.. This way the children will be in a position to 'identify' the good and the bad when they are on their own.
Restricting is not the Islamic way.. educating is the way..

RAHMAN

Mar 26, 2011 00:34

Dear Editor It is indeed a sad story that those kids born to expat are denied their very basic rights of citizenship. I hope Saudi Government fixed the problem before Allah ( SWT) take his hand into the matter. Not only saudi people but other people as well from all over middle east are enjoying citizenship in Europe and America while they can not accept basic rights for kids in their own country should ask that question to themselves for answer.

FAIZ KHALIL

Mar 26, 2011 00:49

In my opinion, not having a financial harsdhip in S.Arabia, while raising children in a strict disciplinary environment there is more beneficial for the families as well as for the whole society in the long run. Because of the un-controlled freedom and independence, the young generation in the west are lost many not even knowing who their father is beside getting out of the family fabric mostly by the age of 18 living with friends or boy friends in a free but unsecured environment. If families in S.Arabia are seeking more freedom and indepence for their youngesters, Good to bring them to the west.

Mar 26, 2011 12:07

please make a law so that the expat teens over 18 years should be able to remain on their parents IQAMA. After 18 years it is difficult to send our childrens to have renewal of iqama. Some times the jawazaat except the education certificates for the child over 18 year of age and some time they do not except. Please also update me about the latest rule implemented now a days...

S.S.JAFFRY

Mar 26, 2011 12:15

There is no sense of rights in ksa that to be the foreigners are consider human slaves brought to employ ..so why raise the questions of such magintude..

Today Respectable Mr Abdul Rehman Sudais in India we sent a letter to Deoband the invitee about the injustice happening in KSA and it will forward to the honarable Emam sure..

The Expat Childrens brought up in KSA has always calling it a home being spent time like mother nation.. latter stage they understand its thier mistake due to childishness..Adversly the EU ,USA whome we call the bad nations are really great in this context..who really value humans living at their place.

23 Comments
Read all

Expat teens become lost on return to home countries

Comments

Post your comment

Discussion guidelines

More Saudi Arabia news

Latest comments

JEF saved the best for last

Local Press: Saudis getting sick of Saudia

India PM invites Pakistan leaders to cricket match

Severe sandstorm blankets Eastern Province

No schools in Riyadh, eastern region due to sand storms

250 workers go without pay for seven months