In what seems an unending list of dunderheaded moves to remake fabulous classic movies into mediocre modern films, now comes  a Paramount remake of Alfred Hitchcock's To Catch a Thief.

Of course.  Because I can think of so many actors who would make better, more suave cat burglars than Cary Grant.

And so many actresses who are more elegant and alluring than Grace Kelly.

And of course, Miami is a much better setting for a glamorous heist movie that the French Riviera.

And the producer of Fast Five, The Bounty Hunter and Battle: Los Angeles, along with the writer of Piranha 3D are sure to bring more grace and wit to the tale than those old fogies did in the 1955 version.

Words fail me.  Splutter.

Cary Grant in a publicity still. Sigh. Hulton Archive/Getty Images

Few Hollywood feuds were as legendary as the ongoing cat fight between Bette Davis and Joan Crawford, most richly on display in the immortal schlockfest Whatever Happened to Baby Jane.

A new play about the battling classic movie stars is opening on the London stage next month, and there was a reading not long ago in New York with Christine Ebersole and Jan Maxwell, perhaps presaging a New York opening.

Now comes the very droll Michael Musto in the Village Voice, with this entertaining snippet of a musical verison.  (A song for Joan's dear little daughter Christine, howling in the closet -- the one with no wire hangers.)   I have no idea if it will ever be staged, but I'll go.  Oh yes. 

The rivals hit the beach in 'Baby Jane"/Getty Images

You know what you don't expect to see in Jack Nicholson's back yard?

A cute little swing set.

Nevertheless, that's just one of the lovely features of a property the actor has listed for sale in Malibu - 70 acres for $4.25 million.  It's a steal.  Swimming pool, a grotto spa, a little putting green, tennis court, zoned for equestrian use, and of course, mountain and beach views.  And a separate caretaker's house. 

Hmm.  A caretaker.  Now why is it I associate Jack Nicholson with a caretaker in a sprawling resort setting?  And an ax?

While I'm on a rampage against remakes, I may as well profess my horror at the idea of a Robocop remake starring....wait for it...Keanu Reeves, Tom Cruise or Johnny Depp.

Love, love, love them all, but the charm of the original robocop was its gritty nobody feel. Okay, maybe "charm" is the wrong word for Paul Verhoeven's quirky, darkly satiric, mega-violent sci-fi film from 1987.

The original has a sturdy cast of professionals, but no superstars.  It relied on a clever script, great costumes and remarkable special effects for its day, and a strong performance from Peter Weller, mostly buried beneath his robocop suit.

I'm sure the new version will surpass the old in the quality of the special effects -- but I have my doubts as to whether it will be the richly entertaining, slightly shocking, wholly original piece of work the first movie was.