A word of explanation: There is no explanation. In our misspent youth, we swear to you we had this entire list memorized and would quote from it nonstop to amuse ourselves and only ourselves. (We had few friends as children.) This came to us, and it's Friday, and it's hot outside, and all we have to entertain ourselves with is this and college athletes' strange predilection for the Lion King. We have forty ideas below. We're sure you can add to the list. Our terms are real, but yours don't have to be. Also, before somebody asks, taxonomy is not the same thing as taxidermy. Thank you.

• An obstinacy of Nutts

• A shrewdness of Kellys

• A pounce of Gators

• A cowardice of Bowdens

• A business of Sabans

• A skulk of Stoopses

• An earth of Mileses

• A bloat of Hokes

• A stud of Mendenhalls

• A cackle of Spurriers

• A leap of Princes

• A pride of Tedfords

• A richness of Chiziks

• A barren of Clawsons

• A prickle of Schnellenbergers

Continue reading this post »

CHEESE TOAST, REMEMBER THE MISSION. 

You hear me, Cheese Toast? Wisconsin better be a smoke screen, or we're going to have to pay another little visit to you when you're least expecting it.

"SURREAL" AND "TOUCHING" ARE NOT MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE EMOTIONS.  Dan Mullen's long answer on the issue of cowbells at Mississippi State veered into the kind of weird, oddly moving territory most things in Mississippi seem to occupy. That's not a bad thing.

When I arrived at Mississippi State a couple of years ago, the cowbell was sort of an amusing thing to me," Mullen said. "That all changed when I learned the symbolism and tradition of it. This past season when I buried one of my players (defensive end Nick Bell, who died of cancer), his mom stood over his coffin and rang her cowbell as they closed the coffin. It gave me a totally new perspective of what the cowbell means to Mississippi State University."

He also mentioned the very practical and relevant fact that even with the cowbells ringing, Starkville isn't close to a really loud football environment. Annoying, yes; ear-splitting loud like LSU, Alabama, or Florida? Not even close, mostly thanks to the open ends that let a lot of that clatter fly off harmlessly into the ether. Now, if you put a tin roof on the stadium for a couple a hundred bucks? NOW WE'RE TALKING NOISE, BULLDOGS. (Via)

90 PERCENT OF THAT REPORTING IS INACCURATE. But the ten percent about my client that is accurate? Man, it's devastating, and it would be nice if you didn't print it. While Terrelle Pryor's lawyer earns his pay, let us reflect on Marc Trestman's home for wayward young former NCAA quarterbacks, and how it might be the best place for Pryor in his increasingly unconventional path towards becoming the next Jason Campbell.

HE'S A-GONNA BE A GAMECOCK. Washaun Ealey is indeed going to be a Jacksonville State Gamecock, taking the Ryan Perrilloux slot as JSU's most honored D-1 dropdown transfer. Don't take Perrilloux's locker, though: it's shot through with crazy and counterfeit bills.

IN OUR THIRD STORY IN A ROW ABOUT FORMER BLUE CHIP RECRUITS ON LENGTHY CAREER DETOURS. Will Hill was arrested in Alachua County on a suspended license charge from Lake County. Defense? His license was hacked.

THERE'S A LOT OF CUDDLE ON THAT STAGE. Tebow was on the Daily Show last night, and my, that's a lot of beta-style alpha male on the screen at once. Tebow firmly endorses scooters as a necessary mode of campus transportation, and if you've ever schlepped it from one sweaty corner of Florida's sun-fried campus to another, you will not argue this point.

THE TERRAPINS: TASTE THE EDSALL. It's bland, with a hint of blandosity. (And surprising notes of insane hustle!)

Does this mean that we can submit Bill Hancock to torture? We'd hate that, since we both oppose torture (Middle Eastern governments have to be allowed some area of specialty,) and because Bill Hancock in person is a really, really nice man who doesn't deserve torture. A symbolic pie in the face? Of course, but don't try to cheat and use a really hot fruit-stuffed pie, either. A face full of that shit might as well be napalm, so whipped cream souffles only, and no hidden bricks, please.

Mr. Hancock's statement about the DOJ meeting:

"I am very happy to do it and I'm looking forward to it," said Hancock. "The DOJ has legitimate questions about the BCS and I look forward to answering them."

We don't know if admitting that there are any legitimate questions for the DOJ to ask about your organization is a good PR move, especially when Bill Hancock's fond of claiming that the BCS doesn't really exist. Telling a bunch of lawyers about your largely tax-free organization receiving funds from a series of non-profit events raising hundreds of millions of dollars and then suggesting they don't exist makes you sound a lot like you're gaming the tax code at best, and like organized crime at the worst.

If this is the road we're taking, though, we have a few compelling choices.

Continue reading this post »

START SNITCHIN'. Professor Chamillionaire, known best for his pioneering work in the theory of trill matter and its dynamic behavior as it approaches the limit of "riding dirty," will surely have something to say regarding Arizona AD Greg Byrne's proposal re: Arizona fans actively snitching on improper benefits for athletes.

From Byrne's email:

My purpose here is not to judge or be critical of one of our peer institutions. However, the situation does give us another opportunity to proactively communicate with our fan base and internally on the absolute need to pay attention to the rules everyday.  We are one bad decision by a coach, employee, student-athlete and/or community member/fan from facing significant challenges that can damage our university and athletic program for many years to come. 

How this doesn't end up with ten phone calls a day reporting violations at Arizona State by Wildcat fans we will never know.

WE WOULD LIKE TO CONTINUE DOING WHATEVER WE WANT, THANK YOU VERY MUCH. The SEC coaches unanimously voted to reject a limit on the current cap of 28 signees per class yesterday, though the presidents and chancellors will likely make it official today. Honestly, we have no problem with an enforced 28 due to the horrendous public schools and frequent cases of sprained cerebrum you see in the SEC. So remember you smug Big Ten bastards, it's our bad public schools AND the greedy skullduggery of competition in the SEC that make signing math in the SEC so complex ( and we can't even do it DURRRR DUMB SUTHERNERS.) You can cut twice!

We're here to make your jobs easier, and sometimes take them by offering sick tax breaks and union-free shops to companies fleeing the Rust Belt. That and cutting underperforming linebackers: IT'S JUST WHAT WE DO.

SPEAKING OF BIG TEN AND FAILURE TO CREATE JOBS. Additional security personnel within the stadium could have helped those job numbers, and the cabbies of Madison probably could have used the work, and we won't even get into the billions of dollars* of income lost, but sure, you go right ahead and tell Wisconsinites they can't buy beer in the stadium.They'll just metabolize it from sodas and other liquids with their woodsy Badger superpowers like they always have.

*Not an exaggeration. This is Wisconsin we're talking about, and alcohol, and alcohol and Wisconsin.

STILL MORE TRESSELATION. Let's just, yeah, slow down on "Colorado's gonna do it in the 'Shoe, man!" Eddie George is lobbying for Charlie Strong at OSU, and if this gained traction the Buckeyes would be beyond lucky because Charlie Strong is wonderful and this blog has no reservations about that statement. He's awesome. Period. Eleven Warriors has a new banner, and that is sort of sad now that we're looking at it. We think we're trolling hard, and then Michael Rosenberg gets his supermechaGodzillaTroll on and leaves us in the dust.

THIS IS REASSURING. Why yes, Tim Tebow did have a headache before the LSU game where he returned from a concussion. 

OH PLEASE COME BACK PIRATE KING. Mike Leach is still in Key West, which sounds like a perfectly pleasant purgatory.

TWO HEROES, ONE WORLD. Swedish discus thrower and badass Ricky Bruch died this past week. His beard and traps will live on, as will this NSFW but fantastic picture of him. We don't know this man's name, but he's a hero, as well. The hand out? That's for balance AND style. He was indeed a boss, sir.