"This is foolproof, I tell ya, foolproof," Henry Paulson said, grinning, his upper lip beading slightly with sweat. "You just invest a few trillion dollars -- and what's that, it's beans! -- and this thing will pay you back a thousand-fold! I guarantee it!"

"I don't know,"...

Yellow Bird: Sometimes I find myself dive-bombing other cars on the highway, just because they haven't noticed the light switched.
Doctor: Have you ever questioned where this anger comes from, Yellow Bird?
Yellow Bird: From the Green Pigs. They stole our eggs, and so we're angry.
Doctor:...

Welcome to the Warren Day Preparatory Pre-Pre-Preschool for gifted infants. If you come right this way we can start the interview.

Incidentally, I see you're carrying little Hazel in a Baby Bjorn. Of course that won't hurt her chances of acceptance today, but I'll let you know...

Try adding bacon to even more of your favorites, because bacon makes everything better!

Bacon-Wrapped Marriage Counseling
-1 pound bacon
-your favorite go-to dinner recipe
1.) Prepare recipe as usual. Top with fried bacon.
2.) Serve to your partner. Explain that you see your recent cosmetic...

* I don't care who you are, everyone needs a nice pair of basic khakis in their wardrobe. You can dress them up, or dress them down, they go with every color under the sun -- really, you can't go wrong with a nice pair of khakis.

...

Head, Shoulders, Knees & Toes

Okay, head, shoul-hey, buddy, my face is up here. You know, the part with the eyes and ears and mouth and nose?

And if you keep looking at them that way, I promise that you will not like...

Hey, baby, how you doin'? Good? Because you sure are lookin' good, with that brushed-metal finish, and that sassy little cord poking out from behind, a treasure trail to electric pleasures, and those dials smack dab in the center of your dress, teasing me with their simplicity, begging me to...

Okay sweetie, get in under the covers. Daddy is going to tell you a nice bedtime story.

Once upon a time there was a -- well, yes, I suppose "Once upon a time" is a pretty well-worn introduction to a story, but calling it "trite" and "lacking...

Try these fabulous food and drink favorites to make your Valentine's "sizzle." Or broil.

Carne a la Cheapskate
-Meat
-Root vegetable of your choice
-Fancy lettuce, like "rocket," or "arugula," or "not pre-bagged with chopped carrots."
-Good wine, or, barring that, mediocre wine funneled into...

You searched: local carpenters and contractors
Your search returned: We've found 17 listings for local carpenters and contractors, but before we clutter your mental and onscreen space with their listings, let us ask if you've considered the profound spiritual benefits to be gained from creating with one's own hands....

Paris, 1793:
Katie: You know, Joanie, everyone these days is talking about the overthrow of the monarchy.

Joanie: [nodding sagely] That's true, Katie. It has been the hot topic this summer -- even hotter than the fevers people have been getting with this latest bout of plague!

[They laugh...

Christmas is a time to spread love, kindness, and, if you're smart about it, your ideology. Try these activities with your friends and family this holiday season to bring the light of the one true faith into their lives.

****

Young children love writing Christmas wish lists...

Sure, we could repeal "Don't Ask Don't Tell," but in an effort at bi-partisanship, the many still-hesitant members of Congress have offered these other, less-scary options:

It's Okay, I Can Tell Already: Any parent knows that there's no relief greater than when you're about to embark...

Gather round, children. I'm going to tell you the tale of the very first Thanksgiving.

Long, long ago, there lived a group of people who called themselves the Pilgrims. Some think they called themselves that because they'd rather take long trips, or "pilgrimages," to generally unknown...

On a typical day, spam accounts for about 90 percent of all e-mail.

-- The New York Times

To: Mom [Dear MOM, increase your size with VALTREX -- FREE TRIAL OFFER]

From: Jilly [Need a JILLY GAGNON? Why not try our online mall, where we guarantee the...

After 34 years, Cathy Guisewite's autobiographical strip, "Cathy," recently came to an end. For those true fans who just can't get enough, here are some alternate endings:

Cathy is in the Doctor's office.
[Panel 1: Doctor is looking at chart]
Cathy: What's the...

"Dogs can be worried and pessimistic just like people, researchers report in a new study in Current Biology... Dogs that express serious anxiety when alone may need treatment, as it could be a sign of unhappiness and instability." -- The New York Times

Doctor: So how are you feeling today?

She also testified that part of her job was persuading graduates that their jobs used their training. That meant persuading a graduate who took on $100,000 in student debt for a bachelor's degree in game art and design, that he had a job in his field, when he...

1. Clean the Gutter

Clean the gutter, huh? Let me get this straight, you're trying to tell me that, because of a few leaves in my neighbor's backyard -- which I'll have you know is thousands of miles away, or at least, the leaf equivalent of thousands of miles away...

Circa 250 B.C.:

Archimedes: Eureka! I have finally discovered the solution. EUREKA!!!
Cop: Everything all right over here sir?
Archimedes: Alright? It's brilliant! I've discovered not only a way to solve the king's particular problem, but a new scientific principle altogether! The world will forever remember this day!