She's back. I knew that she'd be out for Christmas. I hope she uses the bus and has a safe and sober New Year.
Steve Morrison, Aberdeen, Scotland

Here's a lovely Christmas ditty for you that I've written:
C is for the carols sung around the tree,
H is for the hideous programmes they'll show on satellite TV,
R is for the revenue you've given to the store,
I is for the indigestion you'll have come half past four,
S is for the tasteful socks that someone's bound to get,
T is for the turkey and that trifle that just won't set,
M is for the mistletoe under which kissing can be fun,
A is for the Christmas tree Angel who's job is not much fun and...
S is for the smashing job that the Magazine does all year round to keep up informed and entertained.
(I know the last line doesn't scan or rhyme, but it's true and that's what's important!) Merry Christmas!
Martin, Hemel Hempstead, UK

Monitor note: Martin, you're spoiling Magazine Monitor.

Re: Paper Monitor. Over in the Times, there's some thoughtful analysis that points out that the average age for onset of *purity* has fallen for girls. Now that's an interesting concept.
Riesling, Black Forest, Germany

In Paper Monitor today. Purity ? Do you mean puberty ?
Rebecca, London

Monitor note: Yes. A fantastic Freudian slip.

To be honest I am not that interested in the £690,000 Charlotte Bronte miniature manuscript unless Kate Bush is planning to sing and dance to a song about it.
David Infense Finch, Adelaide, Australia

John Airey (Thursday's Letters), you'd know it's a mint Club because it's in a mint Club wrapper. What I'd question is how you'd know it was an all-chocolate one without taking a bite. Or was a half-eaten biscuit passed around reverently?
Sharon Cutworth (who once had an all-chocolate fruit Club), King's Lynn

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Winning entries in the Caption Competition.

The competition is now closed. Full rules can be seen here [PDF].

This week it was US first lady Michelle Obama meeting Father Christmas at a children's hospital in Washington.

Thanks to all who entered. The prize of a small amount of kudos to the following:

6. Ade:
December 26: Santa declares "mission accomplished".

5. David Finch:
Look lady, I don't care who your husband is. There's too much security at your house for even me to deliver presents without anyone noticing.

4. cmaslen:
No, trust me Barack. It's a good career move. This is one change we can believe in.

3. Vicky S:
"Actually my husband is interested in setting up an Elf Service. Have you got any tips?"

2. Sean241160:
"No really, I'm serious. Newt Gingrich asked for all the Harry Potter books."

1. Lynn:
Michelle saw right through Bill Clinton's disguise and, no, she wasn't going to sit on his lap.

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Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience.

1. Fish walk.
More details

2. Ground walnuts are now used by set designers for theatrical dust.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

3. Men are at their most competitive between the ages of 45 and 54.
More details (Guardian)

4. Hairy limbs keep bed bugs at bay.
More details

5. Alcohol tastes sweeter when loud music is playing.
More details (Daily Mail)

6. The UK often tops world rankings in terms of the number of tornadoes per square kilometre.
More details

7. A cat can have 26 toes.
More details (Daily Telegraph)

8. The name "God Particle" began as a reference to "that goddamn particle".
More details (Economist)

9. Ibuprofen was developed in house in Nottingham.
More details

10. You can have a faecal transplant.
More details

Seen 10 things? Send us a picture to use next week.

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

When very polite, older people are asked to describe rude people they usually come up with a euphemism of some sort. More often than not they gently categorise the person as "quite blunt".

It's also a good summary of the Daily Mail.

Why sugar the pill when you can come out with a headline like "Our fatter children need more penicillin"?

While other papers are opting for "troubled" or "problem" to describe those families the government is particularly anxious to help/keep an eye on in the wake of the riots, the Mail prefers "Shameless".

It's take on the NHS figures about the amount of girls losing their virginity under the age of consent is again on the blunt side.

"How teenage girls lost their innocence," it trumpets.

All teenage girls? Or a large percentage, with the rest to follow after watching a raunchy episode of the X Factor?

Over in the Times, there's some thoughtful analysis that points out that the average age for onset of puberty has fallen for girls, standing at nine years 10 months according to Danish research. There is no space to mention this in the Mail article.

Instead the blame is laid at the door of more detailed sex education in schools, with racy TV performances by Rihanna mentioned as an afterthought.

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Thirty hours? Could have been worse.
Ed Loach, Clacton, UK

NASA develops Space Comet Harpoon. Looks to me like this headline almost included the word "thingy".
Jonathan, Oxford

Thanks to Matt (Wednesday's Letters) for pointing me to this article. Surely I wasn't the only one who revealed themselves not to actually be working when they reached this line and laughed out loud: "It makes it a lot more exciting because everybody likes people getting kicked in the head." How was that not quote of the day?
Anna, UK

Paper Monitor, regarding Pumpkin the dog. I'd also be cross if I was bundled in a box and posted to Iran. Ah, no, wait. Read that too quickly. I'll get my spectacles.
Aqua Suliser, Bath

I only read this to see what the joke was that everyone was so concerned about. How disappointing.
Ken, Bucks

Rachel, Wayzata (Wednesday's letters (cool place name by the way), how do you know it's a mint Club if it's all chocolate? Please respond soon my head hurts trying to comprehend this.
John Airey, Peterborough, UK

Mark of Reading (Wednesday's Letters), Wikipedia mentions at least a dozen. Eliza and Helena are first cousins. A hundred years ago, their great-grandfather was the prime minister. Which is enough clues for the rest of you to work out what the original question was.
Tim, London

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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.

If ever there was a story the Times was born to write, it is this. The headline reads thus:

The terrier of Tehran returns in a crate
Diplomatic pooch on French leave after attack

It's the tale of Pumpkin, a Jack Russell-Norfolk Terrier cross, posted to Iran with the British ambassador, Dominick Chilcott, shortly before hundreds of protesters stormed the embassy compound.

"The ambassador scooped up Pumpkin and took refuge in an office on the top floor of the chancery building with nine other staff. 'She [Pumpkin] hates noise, and the last thing I needed was for her to bolt for cover and disappear,' Mr Chilcott, 52, said."

What follows is a tale of daring-do, of a silk tie fashioned into a makeshift leash, and of a minor diplomatic scuffle between friendly embassies - all against a backdrop of the breakdown in relations between Iran and Britain.

It is a follow-up to last week's story in the Times, headlined "The one left behind after officials escape burning Tehran Embassy", which recounted how Pumpkin had been stranded for lack of a crate as embassy staff hustled out of the country.

"She is the subject of another minor diplomatic controversy, with a number of diplomats from different embassies competing to care for her," Mr Chilcott told the Washington Post at the time. "We hope to repatriate her soon."

It is unclear which nation won that particular skirmish. And today's story adds a further note of peril:

"Tehran is not a good place to be a dog. Last year Grand Ayatollah Nasser Makarem, 86, issued a fatwa declaring them to be unclean under Sharia, and condemned Iranian dog owners for 'blindly imitating the West'."

Pumpkin the dog enjoys her freedom

A crate has been found, and Pumpkin reunited - barring a spell in quarantine - with her owners in France.

The Sun, too, has a story which contains all its major food groups. A blonde divorcee. A recently deceased national treasure. The words "love" and "child". All this, and and a punning headline:

GENES WILL FIX IT - Test my DNA... but it's not about money"

And that's just the page five headline. As you may have surmised, it's about a woman claiming Sir Jimmy Savile is her dad, saying the "womanising DJ" carted her waitress mum off to his campervan in the 1970s.

It's time to deploy the Sun's front page effort:

I'm Jimmy Savile's Love Child - 'OWZ ABOUT DAD THEN!

(PS: Spell-checker just suggested substituting "Macrame" for Makarem. Not wanting to spark a diplomatic incident, your humble columnist clicked the IGNORE ALL button.)

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Regarding your report on Tracey Emin's new role, I have side question which has perplexed me for years - just how many Bonham Carters are there in Britain?
Mark, Reading UK

I've heard that the Higgs Boson has applied for a super-injunction and so can't be identified.
Andrew, Malvern, UK

Unsettling acronym alert!
Matt, Hove

Why did the Americans not microchip their stealth drone? They could have located it and used a small missile to blow it to pieces before anyone could study it. Duh!
Julia Archer, Adelaide South Australia

MCK (Tuesday's Letters) - It is an overwhelming treasured child-hood memory finding an all-chocolate mint Club. It was passed reverently around the school refectory. And then eaten. Good times.
Rachel, Wayzata

Re: Local TV. Should an adult become more like a child? US TV, generally, appeals to and reinforces the juvenile in us all. This is not a matter of appreciating difference. It is a matter of elevating the juvenile and superficial.
Edwin Anthony @BBC News Magazine

UK morning TV is already just like US local TV, it just covers more people.
Ian Roberts @BBC News Magazine

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