NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—The Borowitz Report has obtained the following confidential letter from Ann Romney to members of the Republican Party:
Dear Fellow-Republican,
I’m not a happy camper.
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September 21, 2012
A Letter from Ann Romney
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September 21, 2012
A Few Notes About My Play
The play should be performed as naturalistically as possible. By that I mean the funny parts should be played sad, the sad parts funny, and the middle parts with disdain. The Greek chorus should be played realistically. The teen-aged Greek chorus may use leather jackets.
My plays always take place in the Northern Hemisphere, except when they are dreams. Those take place in a Chase bank close to my house.
During a run-through, it is O.K. for the actors to heckle the audience. It’s really the only chance they’re going to get.
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September 19, 2012
The Ruling Clawss
The first anniversary of Occupy Wall Street is a good opportunity to celebrate the centennial year of the New Yorker cartoonist Syd Hoff (1912-2004), who drew over five hundred cartoons for the magazine. None of them had anything to do with Wall Street, so what’s that got to do with O.W.S.? Patience, please.
Syd Hoff broke into The New Yorker during the Depression, when the magazine decided that the Manhattan aristocratic swells of Peter Arno
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September 19, 2012
A Conservative History of the United States
1500s: The American Revolutionary War begins: “The reason we fought the revolution in the sixteenth century was to get away from that kind of onerous crown.”—Rick Perry
1607: First welfare state collapses: “Jamestown colony, when it was first founded as a socialist venture, dang near failed with everybody dead and dying in the snow.”—Dick Armey
1619-1808: Africans set sail for America in search of freedom: “Other than Native Americans, who were here, all of us have the same story.”—Michele Bachmann
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September 19, 2012
Poll: Romney Still Doing Well With Voters Who Have Never Heard Him Speak
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney got a rare piece of good news today, as a new poll showed him faring well among voters who have never heard him speak.
According to the poll, which has a margin of error of three points, Mr. Romney garnered positive ratings among voters who agreed with the statement, “I have never seen Mitt Romney say or do anything.”
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September 18, 2012
Bus Advisor
If I decide to make my trip by bus, what time should I get to Port Authority?
The first rule of long-distance bus travel is this: your bus ticket is for a chance at a seat on the bus, not a seat itself. If you arrive fifteen or twenty minutes in advance of your departure—the way you might, say, for a journey by train—the bus will already be full, as buses are routinely oversold, and you will need to wait two or three hours for the next bus. You’ll do best to arrive at Port Authority three to four hours in advance, so you can be at the head of the line at the gate.
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September 17, 2012
In New Campaign Strategy, Romney to Have Mouth Wired Shut Until November
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—In what his campaign described today as a bold strategy to insure victory in the Presidential contest, Republican nominee Mitt Romney will undergo a procedure to have his mouth wired shut until Tuesday, November 6th.
The decision reportedly was made in response to the release earlier in the day of rare video footage showing Mr. Romney saying what he really thinks.
In the video, Mr. Romney blasts the American people for being “insanely obsessed with food, clothing, and shelter,” and asserts that many of them are “too lazy to hide their money overseas.”
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September 17, 2012
Obama Gets Foreign-Policy Scolding from Man Who Almost Started War with Britain
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—President Barack Obama received a stern lecture on foreign policy today from a man who almost started a war with Great Britain in July.
“When it comes to dealing with foreign countries, President Obama doesn’t have a clue,” said Mitt Romney, who during a summer visit to London caused the biggest international incident between the United States and Great Britain since the War of 1812. “Only I have what it takes to bring peace to the Middle East.”
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September 15, 2012
Squeaky Poems: Destruction Edition
Squeaky keeps her teeth so sharp
I hang my head in shame;
All I do is brush my own,
And then not every day.
Squeaky’s tastes are simple,
Easy to be read:
The things she likes
She stores away,
The rest she tears to shreds.
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September 13, 2012
Upcoming Books from Navy SEALS
“No Easy Day,” former Navy SEAL Mark Owen’s first-person account of the raid that killed Osama bin Laden, has stormed straight to No. 1 on Amazon, placing it among the biggest books of the year. And, predictably, similar books are already in the works, as publishers look to cash in on the popularity of “No Easy Day” and the public’s fascination with the derring-do of U.S. special forces.
Here’s a preview of upcoming SEAL-related releases:
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