Yo, remember me? The beardy dude on page 39, waiting in line at the pretentious coffee bar where Amy and Gordo had their knockdown drag-on fight? The “scruffy Italian-American sweetie-pie who’s forever trying to pygmalion his stoner vacuity into depth”? Dude, I’m back!
I was at Amy’s yoga class in the first story, which is why I ended up standing behind her in line at Filtered Truth, even though I don’t know her or Gordo. Also, I work at the club where Gordo buys his drugs (pp. 112-133), and then later, on page 203, I’m on the bus when Gordo has his crise de coor. (I’m the guy who puts his hand on Gordo’s shoulder and tells him, “Chillax, bro.”)...CONTINUE READING >>
Categories: American (New) Locations: various Noise Level: quiet, occasional laughter Wi-Fi: Yes Attire: Dressy Good for Kids: No
I came to hear the specifics of Romney’s tax plan, but when he brought it out I was pretty disappointed. Closing loopholes was a bizarre pairing with cutting off funding for PBS, and didn’t make sense over-all. Health care wasn’t bad, though. Wouldn’t recommend, but I didn’t hate it...CONTINUE READING >>
BOCA RATON (The Borowitz Report)—The third and final Presidential debate ended in dramatic fashion tonight as President Obama punched Republican nominee Mitt Romney in the face, knocking him unconscious before a national television audience.
As Mr. Romney lay motionless on the floor at Lynn University with 35:06 remaining in regulation, moderator Bob Schieffer declared the debate over, calling Mr. Obama’s punch “a clean shot.”
The President’s uncharacteristic explosion of anger came after Mr. Romney repeatedly needled him about going on a global “apology tour” on behalf of the U.S...CONTINUE READING >>
Hedge-fund playboy Marc Leder—made famous by The Post’s Page Six column for his sexually charged Bridgehampton parties last year—was the host of the fund-raiser where Mitt Romney was recorded saying 47 percent of Americans are “dependent on government.” [At another event of Leder’s] guests cavorted nude in the pool and performed sex acts, scantily dressed Russians danced on platforms and men twirled lit torches to a booming techno beat.
—The New York Post
Forty-seven per cent of Americans don’t pay income taxes.
Forty-seven per cent of Americans—maybe more—have never seen a woman wearing only an iPhone cover swallow fire and spit it back in their face from a diving board.
Among this forty-seven per cent, some take government disability handouts for crippling illnesses, never knowing how it smells at a party with an underwater chandelier...CONTINUE READING >>
BOCA RATON, Fla. (The Borowitz Report)—With just hours to go until the third and final Presidential debate, Republican nominee Mitt Romney today voiced his support “for a woman’s most precious right: to choose what she makes for dinner.”
In a bid designed to close the gender gap in the race, the former Massachusetts Governor pledged “on Day One” to give women full control over meal planning and preparation.
“Pot roast, meatloaf, duck a l’orange—as long as it’s piping hot and on the table when her husband comes home, I don’t care what a gal makes,” he told supporters...CONTINUE READING >>
Smile. Look straight into the camera and smile widely. It’s not even necessary to talk while you’re smiling and, in fact, it’s probably better if you don’t. Talking gets in the way of smiling, so if you have a choice between smiling and talking, smile. Just unleash that old million-watter. The audience may get uneasy when you’ve been staring into the camera and smiling broadly and silently for five minutes or so, and the moderator will probably try to get you to say something. Don’t be bullied. People like a guy who smiles. They’ll come around. Hang in there...CONTINUE READING >>
Last August, I took advantage of an offer from the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency to be automatically stripped of my Tour de France titles by refusing to defend myself against doping charges. Disappointed as I was to see the government’s anti-success bureaucrats tearing apart the Constitution at great cost to the taxpayer, I was relieved to have finally freed myself from the demonization that my astounding triumphs inflicted on me.
But with the release of the USADA’s new report, which alleges that I was a “doping kingpin” throughout my career, I see how foolish I was. The agency’s offer was nothing but a honeypot, cynically designed to make the idea that I doped seem almost potentially plausible...CONTINUE READING >>
I recorded last night’s debate so as to count all instances of humor deployed by the candidates. I didn’t want any subjectivity to enter into my analysis, so I used this state-of-the-art (circa 1944) laughter meter to make sure that there was no bias involved:
I was looking for either one of the candidates to move the needle, but it remained stuck for the entire debate...CONTINUE READING >>
For years, historians have held up the Lincoln-Douglas debates of 1858 as the gold standard of political discourse. But at the time, critics were not so kind. Journalists complained that the debates were “not interactive enough” and suffered from “boring optics”; still others hungered for a debate that would “change the narrative of the race.” Responding to the criticism, Abraham Lincoln and Stephen Douglas agreed to participate in a debate that used the just-invented “town hall” format, with both candidates taking questions from the audience:
Lincoln: And so, to conclude my opening statement: in relation to the principle that all men are created equal, let it be as nearly reached as we can. If we cannot give freedom to every creature, let us do nothing that will impose slavery upon any other creature.
HEMPSTEAD, NY (The Borowitz Report)—Republican Presidential nominee Mitt Romney set a new personal record tonight by pretending to care about average Americans for nearly ninety minutes.
Mr. Romney began the second Presidential debate by simulating concern for a college student named Jeremy’s employment future and maintained a consistent level of feigned concern on a variety of subjects for the remainder of the night...CONTINUE READING >>