A Flat Earth New Year
There is plenty of evidence that the earth is actually flat. I have personally driven on route 66 out west and noted that the road is perfectly flat and runs in a straight line. Those pictures you see of the globelike earth allegedly taken from the moon are fake, as was the fraudulent moon landing in 1969, which was actually filmed in Arizona. The round earth fraud was fabricated many centuries ago by Muslim extremists named Galileo and Copernicus, both of whom became Catholics to conceal their nefarious activities. More recently their heirs and successors established Sharia law in New Mexico in a town called Roswell, covering up their subversions by pretending to be aliens from outer space. Today’s Muslims think that demonstrating that the earth is round and orbits around the sun will disorient patriotic Americans who can find no evidence of that in the Bible, causing them to give up their guns and making the United States vulnerable to attack by the Iranian army, which is well known to possess weapons of mass destruction as well as powerful gliders that can cross the Atlantic Ocean and deliver bombs with surgical precision. Flat Earthers do not want to see the smoking gun become a mushroom cloud.
Many other people know that the earth is flat, though few are willing to admit publicly that it is so for fear of dreadful punishment by the Muslim extremists, who were recently detected introducing Sharia law in Oklahoma so they can close all the churches; reestablish the Caliphate; start chopping off hands and feet; and ban pork products, alcohol and public education for women. Those who subscribe to the Flat Earth concept understand that if we succeed in creating a national Flat Earth consensus a lot of other good things will come along with it so they persevere in spite of the danger.
Flat Earthers believe in a number of things that appear to defy logic, but they know that they will eventually be proven right. They have several sacred texts that are linked to their beliefs. The most venerable is James Ussher’s The Annals of the World, written in 1658, which determined that the world was created on Sunday, October 23rd, 4004 BC. Ussher was the Archbishop of Armagh and the Protestant Prelate of all Ireland, so he certainly knew what he was writing about. He was probably the first genuine Flat Earther and if he were around today he would no doubt be able to prove that all those fossils of dinosaurs lying around are fake and were planted by the Muslim extremists, who themselves have a calendar that begins in 622 A.D. with no fixed date for the creation of the world because of their heathenish ignorance of the theological importance of such a number.
Flat Earthers are not afraid to take political positions. A recent holy text is called The Tea Party Goes to Washington, which was written by Senator Rand Paul, or possibly with the considerable assistance of someone else who actually penned it for him after translating it from the original Aramaic. Flat Earth scholars are divided in their opinions. Rand has promised that everything will change for the better after health care is abolished and government attempts to adopt new standards for light bulbs and washing machines are abandoned. At that point, universal Flat Earth can be proclaimed, but Rand later amended his view to indicate that it might take a while and a few compromises will have to be made along the way. He explained that it is important to have the Republican Party really like you first, just as it graciously came around to celebrate his father after first banning most of his convention delegates on procedural grounds. Ron Paul was subsequently honored with a three minute and forty second video played at a time when the convention hall was empty to commemorate his 22 years in politics.
Having suddenly discovered that there are Muslims in Oklahoma Rand has decided that we Americans will have to deal with them firmly, first by cutting off all aid to Pakistan and other countries known to harbor cowardly extremists who reportedly do not like us very much because we have been blowing them up. He has begun to waffle on the issue of aid to Israel, arguing that the problem is that the aid given to “unequivocal ally” Israel is actually less than that provided to all of Israel’s neighbors. It has possibly also been reported to Rand that the freedom loving Israelis really, genuinely, and sincerely appreciate our money. In fact, Rand will soon be traveling to Israel with his entire family to discover his “Judeo-Christian roots” and he will no doubt pick up a few pointers on what to do about Muslim extremists while he is there. To make Benjamin Netanyahu like him even better Rand has voted in favor of sticking it to the Iranians with even more sanctions, a necessary move to enhance America’s security given all the WMDs and supersonic gliders that the Mullahs are known to possess.
The Flat Earthers acknowledge Rand as the anointed son of Ron, which he certainly is biologically speaking, though some dissidents within the movement admit that he seems to have lost a few marbles along the way. There is a vague recollection making the rounds suggesting that father Ron opposed sanctions on Iran and also objected to all foreign aid, even for Israel. Never fear, however, as marbles are regarded as purely tactical devices in Washington politics and they can be replaced or even discarded. It is expected by Flat Earthers that Rand will get elected president in 2016 and will do all the great things that his father was unable to do, even if he has to make some sausage with cool guys like Senator Mitch McConnell to first demonstrate his seriousness.
Flat Earthers are reported to be divided on another political issue, but many believe that the next American Secretary of Defense will be a guy named Chuck Hagel, who once served as a Senator from Nebraska and who made the mistake of actually going off and fighting in the Vietnam War, where he was a brave soldier and got wounded. Everyone knows that all the smart guys in Washington carefully avoided that war, which would have interrupted their pursuit of advanced degrees at leading universities, degrees that later qualified them for all the top level positions at the Pentagon to keep out the riffraff like Hagel. On really solid ground for a change, the Flat Earthers who like Hagel point out that he is nevertheless eminently well qualified for the job and that he would be putting American interests first, something that has not happened since Dwight Eisenhower was president. They do note, however, that the appointment would require Commander in Chief Barack Obama to develop a spinal cord, something that similarly has not been observed in any president since Eisenhower. John F. Kennedy tried to develop one and was shot for his pains. One Flat Earth historian also notes that a formidable organization called “The Lobby” has never lost a fight with an American president also since Eisenhower, making the Vegas line on Hagel something like 100 to 1 against. Nevertheless, Flat Earthers are optimistic that it will be different this time around, particularly if the Muslim extremists can be held in check in the Sooner State.
So Flat Earthers are anticipating another great year in 2013 as long as the economy doesn’t completely tank. A world at peace except in a few places where it is necessary to show the ragheads what we mean, a really good Secretary of Defense instead of another timeserving lick-spittle political hack, and a presidential candidate in the offing who will really change things and make a difference as long as everyone is really patient and doesn’t expect too much. It only requires wanting it all real bad and believing to make it so.
Read more by Philip Giraldi
- Christmas in Connecticut – December 19th, 2012
- Why Remember Iraq? – December 12th, 2012
- The Protocols for Death – December 5th, 2012
- Netanyahu’s War Crime – November 28th, 2012
- Educating the President – November 21st, 2012
richard vajs
December 27th, 2012 at 5:58 am
Many Dittos! And thanks – you have saved me the time I usually waste reading the Washington Times and listening to FOX News trying to get both sides of a useless argument.
PEACE EVER AFTER
December 27th, 2012 at 6:49 am
It is interesting that you point out that Kennedy was shot for trying to develope a spinal chord. Yet, whenever I mention that 9/11 and the Kennedy assasination were part of a conspiracy I get censored.
skulz fontaine
December 27th, 2012 at 7:01 am
Holy molé Mr. Giraldi, that was hysterically funny. Had me laughing so hard I almost spit coffee out my nose.
Very well said sir.
omop
December 27th, 2012 at 7:12 am
Interesting take by Mr. Grimaldi. Cause of course he knows perfectly well that a "flat earth" means that at one point in time the roads ends in outer space.
This might be of interest…..In 1290, King Edward I issued an edict expelling all Jews from England. Lasting for the rest of the Middle Ages, it would be over 350 years until it was formally overturned in 1656. The edict was not an isolated incident, but the culmination of over 200 years of conflict on the matters of usury. Oliver Cromwell encouraged Jews to return to England in 1657, over 350 years after their banishment by Edward I, in the hope that they would help speed up the recovery of the country after the disruption of the Civil Wars.
Curious
December 27th, 2012 at 7:47 am
Rand does have the right personality to be president. He is a coward.
dbriz
December 27th, 2012 at 8:02 am
Dark humor at its best.
Giraldi does Dr Strangelove! Well done sir!
Lorraine
December 27th, 2012 at 8:52 am
Haha, hilarious in a black humor sort of way. I am sending antiwar a little tongue-in-cheek article myself which will serve as a sort of bookend to this one! Happy New Year, all!!
Geraldo Kaprosy
December 27th, 2012 at 9:11 am
…and the Brits have been paying for Cromwell's mistake ever since.
GeriatrikSk8r
December 27th, 2012 at 10:06 am
Wow. I sure wish this sounded over-the-top. Unfortunately there are far too many who would confuse this with literal truth and are willing fight for it.
GeriatrikSk8r
December 27th, 2012 at 10:09 am
Let that hate flag fly. I guess you're proud of it. It sure lets people know what you are.
cfields
December 27th, 2012 at 10:13 am
"patriotic Americans who can find no evidence of that in the Bible"
It seems throughout the ages most Bible thumpers only do that, and not actually READ it!
Isaiah 40:22 – "It is he that sitteth upon the circle [or sphere] of the earth"
Job 26: 7 – "He stretcheth out the north over the empty place, and hangeth the earth upon nothing."
Sean
December 27th, 2012 at 10:40 am
"Vegas line on Hagel something like 100 to 1 against"
So why the theater? Obama has no more say over things than Sam Donaldson. Who are they trying to fool, themselves?
@charleycaruso
December 27th, 2012 at 12:01 pm
Very funny. Stick to humor and forget the heavy stuff.
Mebe Jon Liebowitz Stewart could use you.
And lets cut off all aid to countries that bomb our ships.
RobertB
December 27th, 2012 at 12:18 pm
Sorry, a circle is 2D, a sphere is 3D.
Strider55
December 27th, 2012 at 1:47 pm
How about cutting off all foreign aid to all nations, period, especially since the Constitution grants Congress no authority to dole it out. Anyone who wants to send his own money to some foreign stinkhole is free to do so, and in any amount he wishes. Forcing me and others to contribute at gunpoint is the height of immorality.
rosemerry
December 27th, 2012 at 2:11 pm
Suitable name for you. It is not hate, but truth, and it is so obvious to any rational observer.
rosemerry
December 27th, 2012 at 2:16 pm
What a miserable old scrooge. The USA gives a pathetic amount of aid, except MILlTARY AID, to give jobs to Mercans, and it is to countries like Israel which are NOT poor. The stinkhole is the USA.
What do you want money spent on? I suppose no taxes, no services.
baz
December 27th, 2012 at 2:49 pm
While we are busy here discussing the issue of the "flat earthers", we are taking our eyes of the real enemies, those who hate us for our freedoms and our democracy, those sneaky and deceptive enemies working in the dark shadows where we cannot see them sabotage, manipulate and plot. We must refocus our attention on those villainous of villains, the bloodthirsty easter bunny, the notorious tooth fairy, and the most dangerous terrorist of all, the leader of the brutal oppressive raindeer regime, Santa klaus…. yes people, i vote we expand the war powers act, invade the north pole before santa can use his flying sleigh to launch weapons of mass destruction against our cities. Then we should hunt down that criminal terrorist easter bunny by any means possible even if we have to torture every american to find out where that murderous thug has hidden all of our easter eggs. And to the tooth fairy, a warning…..there is nowhere you can hide where our drones wont be able to get you….
wars r u.s.
December 27th, 2012 at 3:53 pm
Great article. Thank you Phil.
American OverKill » A Flat Earth New YearAmerican OverKill
December 28th, 2012 at 4:24 am
[...] There is plenty of evidence that the earth is actually flat. I have personally driven on route 66 out west and noted that the road is perfectly flat and runs in a straight line. Those pictures you see of the globelike earth allegedly taken from the moon are fake, as was the fraudulent moon landing [...] A Flat Earth New Year Click to Read More… [...]
Articles for Friday » Scott Lazarowitz's Blog
December 28th, 2012 at 5:29 am
[...] Philip Giraldi: A Flat Earth New Year [...]