I was asked by the Albany Medical College chapter of the American Medical Women's Association to present for the 2013 Interpersonal Violence Awareness Week on January 8, 2013. As I am a member of the Speakers' Bureau for both RAINN and the Virginia Sexual and Domestic Violence Action Alliance, I occassionally speak before college, high school and other organizational audiences.

The event was on Tuesday in Albany, New York on the campus of Albany Medical College. Not only were students in attendance, but several faculty as well as hospital chaplains. The program booked one speaker a day and Tuesday was my day. The hospital chaplains had the most questions, including one who works with inmates on a regular basis. I referred him to Just Detention International for information as they are leaders in working with the complexities that surround prison rape. I spoke for approximately 40 minutes straight and then answered questions one on one afterward. It has been several months since I did a speaking gig. I forgot about the gasps when I am telling my story and get to the part where she threatened me. People just don't expect that I guess. Generations of social programming have convinced people that women just don't do that - and never to men.

Whatever.

While discussing how the rape had affected me in everyday life, I discussed my plane ride that morning. It was prop plane with 2 seats on each side and about 15 or so rows. I was in an aisle seat, next to a young woman with some college sweatshirt on that I can't remember. All I know is that I was having a mild panic attack as it was only about 5 hours before my discussion and I was nervous as always right before a public disclosure.  Yes, hundreds of thousands or so have read about my story online or seen me on HuffPost Live or podcasts, but a live audience in front of you is an entirely different matter.

I was tense and trying to reduce my physical space as I always do around women, basically folding in on myself. I wanted to reduce the possibility of brushing up against her accidentally in that tight cabin. It had me freaked out a bit. She leaned her head up against the cabin wall and fell asleep after we took off. I closed my eyes and breathed slowly and deeply until I calmed down. Then I took out my draft remarks and did some pen edits on the eight pages.

When I shared that anecdote, I think it struck home with some of the students on how trauma can affect you in smaller ways. I knew that young woman was no threat to me. That didn't change anything about my reaction.  I just did my best not to make that passenger uncomfortable as a result of something she had nothing whatsoever to do with or could have changed. My reaction had nothing to do with her.  She was just unlucky enough to be sitting next a man who had been drugged and raped by a woman.  It must have worked because she was comfortable enough to not only sleep, but then rolled away from the wall and slept facing me the rest of the flight.  Great.

Rape and other trauma survivors often learn to wear masks that hide the hurt, the fear, the anxiety and the anger.  We have to if we are going to be able to function in everyday life, hold down jobs or do something as simple as stand in line to buy a cup of coffee.  I'm not going to have a meltdown in front of you.  I'm going to smile, nod, be pleasant and then freak out later in private - and often you are going to be none the wiser - because it is not about you.

Anyway, I didn't expect that anecdote to have the response it did, but I guess the little things like that have a big impact in storytelling.

Since I was interviewed by HuffPost Live for their segment "When Predators Are Women", I've been getting nice, gigantic truckloads of victim-blaming from both men AND women - especially on the teaser snippet of my panel comments.  Yes Virginia, even women - who you'd expect would know better in this culture of victim-blaming that female rape survivors experience daily and publicly.  You'd be wrong - incredibly and horribly - wrong.

I've covered most of the victim-blaming idiocy that male survivors face before here.  I recently ripped apart an arrogant and ugly female victim-blamer here as well.  I'm not gonna re-hash it.  Read it and stop being part of the problem.  Many of you ARE part of the problem in a HUGE way.

I will, however, take the time to answer the childish comments I've heard from the knuckle-dragging troglodytes who simply cannot control themselves and should probably check in with adults before going onto the internets.  So, the question of the day for these mental giants seems to be (worded 8,000 different ways): "What kind of Marine gets raped by a woman, pregnant, or not?"

Hmm.  Well, if you were paying attention this would have been obvious.  She asked me for a ride when our mutual friend disappeared. I was under 21 and she was around 24 or 25 and bought me a few drinks - supposedly to thank me for agreeing to drive her home.  The second one was clealy spiked with something, as I got disoriented and tired very quickly.  That covers the how, got it?  You can read the rest of it here if this is too hard for you to comprehend.

Of course, what these tough guys (and a few gals) really mean is - how does a Marine "let" a woman rape him?  What kind of man can't kick a woman's ass?  Yes ladies and gentlemen, rape is apparently ALL ABOUT getting jumped and beaten into submission, anything else is NOT rape.  This is the level of intellectual maturity possessed by those questioning me.  REALLY.

Drugged drinks aside (how she subdued me), I am apparently a "wimp", "pussy", or whatever terminology the Almighty Gender Kops(TM) wish to use to try and make themselves feel better about a situation they cannot possibly comprehend with their fragile little minds and egos.  This friends, is called policing the herd, and is done by insecure alpha-male wannabes when confronted with another male who lacks their chronic insecurities.  Insecurity, immaturity and and inability to comprehend basic concepts like empathy feed into these people's twisted mindsets.  They are a plague on modern masculinity, an affront to those of us who served with honor, and a danger to others.

I'll tell them once and then I'm never gonna address these clowns again.

I'm the type of Marine who would NEVER lay my hands on a woman - let alone a pregnant woman - even in my own defense.  Rather than risk hurting or killing a CHILD IN THE WOMB, I did not put up resistance or use force in my own defense.  Got it?  I'm not doing it.  If that makes me a "wimp" or a "pussy" then so be it.  You'll have to be the tough guy in my stead.

I know, I'm such an asshole for not hurting a prergnant woman or her child.  Clearly, I should be ashamed of myself because a REAL Marine would have kicked her ass.  Amirite or amirite?  Right?!

I have to ask those people what kind of heartless person would do otherwise?  I have to live with the consequences of her decisions that night.  I regret ever meeting her.  I regret agreeing to help her.  I regret letting her buy me drinks.  You know what I don't regret?  I don't regret restraining myself and choosing not to use force against a pregnant woman and her child - even in my own defense.  I have to ask - what kind of sorry excuse for a "man" would proudly do otherwise?  As is evidenced by the comments on the Huffington Post snippet of my panel comments, apparently, there are a lot of you out there without the courage to endure something horrible and then face it down like a man - and get the help you need.  You'd rather silence another man for the sake of being a BIG, TOUGH GUY, because you think, given the same situation, you would actually hurt a pregnant woman just to prove your manhood.  Maybe you would, which makes you as scary as you are sad.

To those playing that card, no, I don't think that makes you a "REAL MARINE" in the slightest.  I think it makes you a REAL, SAD, MISERABLE excuse for a human being.  In the Corps, we called such a person a Shit Bird.

Keep clucking birds.  I'm not in your formation.  I'd rather fly alone than with any "man" who would rather hurt a woman and silence other men, than admit he got hurt himself.  I'm speaking out so that other men who have experienced rape, whether at the hands of a man or woman, feel less alone and more empoowered to seek the help they need.  All you and your ilk have to offer are the tired old tricks of groupthink, cowardice and a miserable excuse for masculinity if you have to hurt a woman to prove you are a man.

I'm done with such "men" and I have no use for their violence, hatred, false bravado and utter lack of empathy.  I served with pride and earned my stripes and every medal that got pinned on my chest - and I didn't need to hurt a woman to do it.  My masculinity is not defined by my ability to perform violence, but my my desire to do the right thing, even at the expense of my own security.

Sincerely,

Sergeant James A. Landrith, Jr.
United States Marine and Gulf War Veteran

UPDATE:  This article has been shared on Reddit a few times and not everyone reading it gets it.  I am talking about MY SPECIFIC SITUATION, not OMG ALL SITUATIONS ALL THE TIME TO INFINITY AND BEYOND WITH DOUBLE SECRET PROBATION AND A BAG OF CHIPS.  If you weren't there - and you weren't - stop second-guessing me and distorting the context for your hypothetical situations.  I'm not talking about hypotheticals.  That is pointless as I am only talking about MY SPECIFIC SITUATION with ONE SPECIFIC RAPIST.  I'm no longer reading any of the threads on Reddit due to loudmouth, shithead trolls with obvious agendas and a pathological inability to accept any explanation other than what they want to hear.  I'm done with it.  Find someone else to fuck with, because I don't have any more time for your bullshit. 

Thanks bunches.

I fully expected some idiots and clowns to say evil things after my appearance on The Huffington Post's HuffPost Live (When Predators Are Women) on November 30th.  Then, The Huffington Post put up a snippet of my comments as a teaser (When Predators Are Women - James Landrith's Story).  Sheesh.  I didn't expect the horrible mockery and victim-blaming on the second video they posted though.  I'm not going to engage the idiots who posted there.  They don't deserve my time or any part of my life spent on them.  They can rot it whatever purgatory they personally believe exists.  However, I did decide to engage one of my critics and mockers.  This one required a response.

Advice blogger Cristina Robinson recently watched part of my interview with HuffPost Live on "When Predators Are Women."  For those of you who are new readers, this is my story with more detail:  http://jameslandrith.com/content/view/3854/79/

Posted by Cristina on Twitter:

A pregnant woman drugged and raped him. I wonder how was he able to get an erection and be raped more than once. #liar

https://twitter.com/Ask_Cristina/status/276367084114571264

Posted on her Facebook profile:

A pregnant woman drugged and raped him. I wonder how he was able to get an erection drugged and be "raped" at different times .... SUPERMAN!!!

http://www.facebook.com/cristinarobinson.sf/posts/173723926107413

Posted on her Facebook Page:  

I see ... she was pregnant ... drugged him ... then raped him. He was drugged and he was able to get it up and be raped. Listening to this guy, I was laughing so hard .... poor baby. And he call himself a survivor of rape. Then he woke up of his wild dream.

http://www.facebook.com/askcristina/posts/566188393396705

I really fucking love how she used scare quotes around the word raped to minimize what I experienced.  Clearly, there is a lot of compassion in this woman.  Oh, and she "was laughing so hard."  Wow.  Fucking wow.  And she likes to give people advice?  Here's some advice for Cristina.  DON'T FUCKING LAUGH AT RAPE SURVIVORS.  Got that?  Then she goes on to say "poor baby", implies I am not really a rape survivor and calls my rape a "wild dream."

So, let's start with erections.  Yes, I was able to get an erection. It is basic biology. It happens to men in comas as well.  Use your favorite search engine and your brain.  Try to be an actual human being some day instead of someone who makes jokes about rape survivors and promotes mythology in ignorance.

Cristina, and people like her who KNOW EVERY FUCKING THING ABOUT ERECTIONS YET DON'T HAVE PENISES, need to understand that male survivors are CONSTANTLY belittled, laughed at and told they wanted it - not just by men, but often by women - like Cristina Robinson, for instance. Put yourself in the place of a man who was raped by a woman and spoke about it publicly. I really don't think I'll ever be able to accurately explain how hard it is to be met with not only skepticism, but open mockery.  I have heard enough of that garbage over the years and it is extremely triggering and unacceptable.

Wild Dream?  Really Cristina?  REALLY?  Having a baby used against me as a human shield was not a "wild dream" to me.  Being drugged and overpowered through a nasty threat  and treated like a piece of property, not a human being, was not a "wild dream" to me.  Knowing that I'd be openly mocked by knuckle-dragging troglodytes for the rest of my life if I even mentioned is not a "wild dream" to me.

It was, and in some ways, still is a fucking nightmare.  How dare you?
 

In response to my comments on her Facebook Page, she offered the following:

Actually, I received a lot of flak in private for this one and since then, I have done some research and learned a few things that blew my mind. Thanks for commenting publicly. Sometimes is good that we show ignorance, and if we have our minds open, afterward, we can learn from it. It can be very enlightening.

She actually did apologize as well, which is something most victim-blaming assholes don't do:

Now, I do. My sincere apologies.

Cristina didn't just show ignorance, she showed an utter lack of compassion and OPENLY MOCKED a rape survivor.  She did that and seemed quite pleased with herself in her initial comments.  Laughing so hard?  LAUGHING SO HARD?  For fucking real?

While I accept and appreciate her apology and understand she has learned a few things since then (like basic fucking human biology), my forgiveness is not going to be forthcoming anytime soon.  I'm still too pissed off at the arrogant ignorance and outright MOCKERY she displayed in her callous and immature comments.

From her Facebook Page, after she read about Judge Derek Johnson's incredibly ridiculous claims regarding rape that women's bodies "will not permit that to happen":

My God ... to think that a man who is supposed to be educated, can utter such a garbage ......

http://news.msn.com/us/judge-says-victims-body-can-prevent-rape

Yeah, you would think that people in the 21st Century would be past thinking that biology is a magical panacea to preventing a rapist from commiting a rape.  You'd be wrong and quite surprised at how many people seem to know NOTHING about biology and yet  are quite eager to throw that ignorance in your face without shame.  

You know, like assuming that an erection equals consent and then "laughing so loud"?  Fascinating how that shit works one way for some people, but not the other...

From her Facebook page it says, "Cristina writes about affairs of the heart. Hopefully the posts will help people make permanent changes in their lives and in their success!"

She has certainly made an impact in my life.  Perhaps she should stick to what she knows, given her extreme and gleeful ignorance with regard to male rape.  Please, just pick a different topic next time.  Pretty please?

Yeah, I'm a little triggered and a lot pissed off.  I think I've earned the right.

I've been involved in many advocacy efforts and worked with a lot of organizations on a wide variety of issues over the years, starting with the multiracial movement, libertarian and anarcho-libertarian philosophies, a plethora of civil liberties issues and now with various sexual violence efforts.  I've earned my "doing something" stripes over and over again with the requisite lost friendships, haters and death threats to go along with it.

I don't do hero worship and have no time for the cultishness that pervades many ideological conversations and communities.  I'm in it for change and the outcomes.  Where I agree with an organization or person's views or advocacy work, I tend to agree strongly. Where I disagree, I will not mince words or whitewash my disagreement simply because an organization or person is respected or in a position as a figurehead in said community or ideological movement.

When in disagreement with a particular stance or action, my philosophical beliefs trump any admiration I may have for any organization or individual or their influence in said community or ideological movment and always will, without apology. Period.