Can we fix our fights?
No chat today. We will make up for it next week.
Q: Meredith,
Like many couples, my girlfriend and I are largely happy with the occasional disagreement. Recently I started to notice a trend with our more heated discussions. There comes a point when I will say something that she disagrees with and I will usually get one of two possible responses, and occasionally both. The first is, "Am I the crazy one here?" -- a statement that seems to imply that either I think she is crazy (which I don't) or that I am crazy for not seeing things the same way. Then there are times that this leads to, "Yes! It's all about you." At that point I know that no matter my answer it will be turned into a debate about me being self-centered.
Lately I've taken to walking away from the conversation when these statements come up, but is there a better way to handle it? I am not averse to the possibility that I need to change my attitude, but I feel as if I need a way to use defuse these arguments. I don't want her to feel like I think she's either crazy, and I do want to address issues calmly and not always get to the point where these statements end a conversation in an argument. Thoughts?
Thanks.
– Defusing the Bomb
A: I wish I knew what caused these fights and what they have to do with you being self-centered, DTB. Is she turning small arguments into a way of discussing bigger issues? Is she happy in the relationship? Have you asked, simply, "Are we OK?"
Without knowing more, all I can do is suggest that you discuss this issue with your girlfriend when you're not in the middle of an argument. When things are calm and pleasant and you're hanging out like friends, tell your girlfriend that you wish there was something you could do to stop fights before they start and to make arguments less personal.
You can also talk about coming up with a safe word -- something you can say to hit pause on a big fight. It's basically a yellow flag. The safe word can mean that one of you wants to take a time out or that you'd prefer to turn to email so that you have to work out your thoughts in writing. (Some people are just better at fighting in writing. Have you tried?)
Again, I wish I knew what these fights were about, but you're right to suggest that the "Am I crazy?" question only makes things worse. Try to talk about this when you're enjoying each other and see how far you get.
Readers? If he brings this up when they're happy, will it just turn into a fight? Are these arguments really about something else? What's the right response to "Am I the crazy one here?" Help.
– Meredith
Met a girl in Canada
In LA this week. It's very early here.
Q: Hi Meredith,
I was up in in Canada for New Year's Eve and met a girl a little after midnight. We immediately hit it off and ended up going back to her place, but we both agreed to hold off on sleeping with each other. We were up until 6 a.m. just talking and getting to know each other. We definitely still connected physically and had a lot of chemistry and both agreed that we've never had this sort of synergy right off the bat before.
I recently got out of a long-term relationship (September) and she had one end last winter. I'm finally over my ex, so I don't see this as an issue, but it's still fairly recent. To complicate matters more, I'm planning on moving to Thailand in April to teach English there for 10 months. I was upfront with this woman about my plans and she said she would love to come and visit me.
I think we both realize that this is going to take a pretty strong commitment from the both of us. I get that she lives hours away, but at the same time, I've never felt this way about someone so quickly. I'm 27 and have been through three different long-term relationships in my life and dated several others; I'd like to think of myself as a seasoned veteran at this point. In the end, I want to settle down and get married at some point before I'm 30, but the singles scene has gotten a little old for me.
Am I crazy to try and make this happen? Do I give it a shot? I realize it was only a night, but this girl seems like she fits a lot of my criteria and that the stars aligned for us to meet that night. I don't believe in fate, but this kind of makes me think that it's possible ...
– Stars Aligned in Toronto, Mass.
A: It wasn't fate, SAIT, but you're excited about this woman and that's cool. It's certainly worth seeing her again to check in on that "synergy."
I find it interesting that despite wanting to get married within the next few years, you've planned a 10-month trip to Thailand. Do you really want to find a partner and settle down by 30? If so, how?
I'd spend the next few months crossing the Canadian border (not a euphemism) and thinking about where you want to be in life and how you can get there. I don't object to Thailand -- it would be a fantastic experience, I'm sure -- but I have to wonder whether the trip was planned in haste after your recent breakup. You say that you're finally over your ex. What do you want to do with yourself now that you're in a better place? Please know that you can always change your mind.
Readers? If you live in Massachusetts and meet a woman in Canada right before you move to Thailand, is it really fate? Should he go to Thailand? Should he consider this new love interest? Thoughts? What's happening here? Help.
– Meredith
I want to return the Christmas gift
Q: Dear Meredith,
I was hoping you could advise how I should handle a Christmas present from my husband. My husband bought me a lovely necklace for Christmas, but it's not something I really like -- and he spent a small fortune on it (far more than he's ever spent before). I'm concerned that by suggesting that I exchange it for something I love, I will cause more harm than good and deeply hurt his feelings. Usually, he picks out pieces that I love and cherish, but this year it was a miss. Any suggestion on how I can approach this with him and make him know how much I love and appreciate the effort and time he put into this gift ... but that this year was a miss and I'd love to find a piece together?
I'm writing you as I'm really on the fence as whether to bring this up. I know it's a gift and perhaps I should just accept it even though I don't love it. I don't want to cause an insult that may leave a lasting impression. Thanks for taking the time.
– Christmas Gift Conundrum, Boston
A: My official opinion, CGC, is that if you buy someone clothes or jewelry, you have to know that they might want to trade it in for something else. Returns are not rejections. Gift givers should know that.
There are a few exceptions to that rule, of course. If your significant other is an artist who made the wearable item, you should probably keep it. (If your boyfriend happens to be David Yurman and he gives you a necklace, please just wear it.) And if you've received a piece of jewelry that's a family heirloom, you must hold on to it and wear it on appropriate occasions.
In your case, you can absolutely say something -- and you should probably do it soon, before returning the gift is no longer an option. Tell your husband that you're having trouble wearing the piece and that you want to make the most of his generosity by finding something you really love. Explain that you trust his taste and that you'd like to pick this item out together.
He might get a little sad about your request, but only because he's usually so good at finding something you like. Those bad feelings should vanish once you guys find a piece you love. Trust me, he doesn't want his money to go to waste. Just be honest.
Readers? Should she say something or just keep the gift? If she speaks up, what should she say? Ever had trouble telling a partner that you didn't like a gift? Help.
– Meredith
Dealing with distance
Q: Meredith,
I have been in a relationship with a wonderful man for over a year now. We are both in our mid-20s and met in college in Boston, though we did not start dating until after I moved to the NYC area for medical school. We are supportive of each other in our careers and related goals, we are on the same page about our future plans, and we are very much in love. However there is one big issue between us -- 300 miles and two promising, growing careers. As previously mentioned, I am currently in medical school (about halfway through) in NYC and he is starting his career in Boston with a job that he loves in a company that he sees himself growing with.
We try to schedule as much visiting time as possible and talk every day via text and Skype multiple times a week, but at times it doesn't feel like enough. I fantasize about what it would be like to have him around to support me in person on a more regular basis, and I find myself sometimes feeling jealous of my friends who are not in long-distance relationships. I don't always feel so negatively about the distance -- at times when school is really picking up, the distance doesn't seem so bad -- but when things slow down or just in general lately, I feel like I need him around more than is possible. I become especially concerned about these feelings when I think about starting my clinical rotations in June, when my schedule will be much busier and I might need more support from my significant other.
We do have a long-term goal, as all long-distance relationships should have, an end point of me graduating medical school. We have agreed that when that happens, he will follow me to wherever my residency is at that time (hopefully back in Boston!). In light of this, him changing jobs now and moving to my area doesn't seem to make very much sense as he would potentially have to change jobs again in two years when I get a residency.
Basically what I'm looking for here is some advice as to how to make the distance easier. I have a great support group of friends and family (I'm from the area I live now), I have hobbies and am involved in my community. I feel like my boyfriend and I communicate well and are on the same page about wanting to see more of each other more consistently, but it's really starting to make me sad thinking about how our relationship can't grow to its full potential right now. These next two years are starting to feel like a reeeeally long time. Any advice, especially from any commenters who survived a long-term long-distance relationship would be greatly appreciated!
– Another Long Distance Letter in NYC
A: The only way to deal with the long-distance issue is to spend more money, make more trips, and ... well, all the things you're already doing.
But let me put this out there: I'm not convinced that you guys should wait two more years before moving to the same place. I understand that your boyfriend has a promising career and a good job, but ... does he really have to stay in Boston right now? Two years is a very, very long time. In fact, it's longer than you've been together. It wouldn't be the worst thing if he got a job in New York, spent a year or two there, and then moved with you again.
I know that what I'm suggesting is easier said than done, and that he might freak out if you try to change the plan, but it's worth a discussion. Again, you guys have two more years of this. Twenty-four months. Maybe it's time to revisit the strategy.
Readers? Should he move? How will she react if she asks him to change the plan? Should he move for someone who’s busy with med school? Is there anything they can do to make the distance easier? Help.
– Meredith
Should we break up?
I received pages and pages of emails about the self-help books. If you didn't get one, please try again next time. They were gone pretty early in the day.
Q: Hi Meredith,
My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over three years. We have a lot in common and have been very attached since the first day we met. We are best friends and it's really hard for me to picture my life without him.
He graduated college about a year ago and has been working at an entry-level position in the Boston area while I have been finishing my last semester of school. It did not take him very long for him to realize he did not like his job. He has been pretty miserable since the first day. Moreover, he really doesn't know what he wants to do with his life, which is OK with me, and I have tried to be as supportive as possible. However, our relationship has been strained for the past 3-4 months. He has always been rather poor at communicating, and it's been especially hard lately. I am frustrated because I want him to do something he's passionate about, but he won't let me help him and he does not seem motivated to either look for another job or go back to school. Moreover, his poor communication skills have affected other parts of our relationship as well. For example, it frustrates me that he never talks about his work with me. I don't feel comfortable with him going out to happy hours and bars with his coworkers, who happen to be mostly female. They are very flirty with him, although he claims they "are like that to everyone." Again, I have communicated my concerns with him and he just lashes out at me.
Do you think I should move on with my life without him? Or, do you think I should continue to offer him support even though it is unlikely to guide him anywhere?
– Confused, Boston
A: You spend your whole first paragraph telling us that your boyfriend is your best friend, but your second paragraph suggests that the friendship is kind of a mess. He doesn't communicate and "lashes out." Meanwhile, he seems to feel threatened and pressured by your attempts to support him. Your boyfriend isn't ready to make any big moves because he doesn't know what he wants next. You want to help him, but he needs to help himself.
You've spent a lot of energy on his needs, but it's time to consider your own. Would you be happier if you didn't have to worry about his place in life? Would you be better off with someone who communicated well? What are you going to do after graduation? The relationship worked when you were both in school ... but does it work now?
I can't tell you whether you should bail on this relationship right this second. My gut tells me that you're about to hit a wall, but it sounds like that wall is still a few feet away from your face. (We usually need to smack into the wall before we end this kind of thing.)
Do some selfish thinking. Ask you boyfriend if he's happy in the relationship and what you both can do to make it easier. Find out how close he is to the wall. Maybe after some honest conversation about your partnership (as opposed to his job), you can walk into that wall together.
Readers? Should they break up? Is she really supporting him with the job stuff? Does she understand what life is like for him outside of school? Does this relationship still work? What's next? Help.
– Meredith
A breakup at work
It's time for self-help homework. Get the details here.
And we chat today at 1.
Q: Hi Meredith,
I recently transferred to a new office and met a great guy/coworker who was interested. We hit it off right away and dated for about a month or so. He told me he had never been happier. He texted me "Good morning, sunshine," among other sensitive and sweet things. He ended it about a month later because "there was no connection," according to him. He said I never talked to him about things (despite the fact he knew extremely personal things) and that he didn't feel a click. He also had A LOT to say about my family issues and told me his opinions about why I am the way I am. He was often selfish and entitled. Our intimacy was not an issue, for the record.
We went back and forth for some odd months, hanging out on and off and the occasional sleepover at his place. It's now been five months since we split.
Since then, he has been relatively distant and I recently sent him an email recommending that we cut ties entirely. My family member then got very sick and he reached out to me for support.
Aside from that, we haven't hung out in over a month and barely talk at work. He walks by me for what feels like a hundred times a day, but the constant emails and texts have stopped. He'll sit next to me at work parties or staff meetings, but that's about it.
Other coworkers and friends say he's still interested but has a huge history of commitment issues, and that his M.O. is to dump girls and then slowly rekindle the flame some odd months later, so that I should relax and stop over analyzing everything.
The problem? I can't seem to move on. I see him almost daily and although we have not hung out, I still feel very close to him. It makes me feel crazy because there's no reciprocation on his part. Other coworkers have tried setting me up with others and I just find myself still thinking about this one person. He wasn't even that kind, especially when it came to his opinions about my family. He hasn't reached out and has proved in more ways than one he's not interested. But I just can't seem to kick the habit. Any recommendations on getting over a work flame when you see them every single day and can't exactly distance yourself? I eat lunch at my desk (always have) and don't spend time strolling the office. I'm not seeking him out but find it impossible to not see him at least daily. We only dated for a month. What's wrong with me? Help!
– Confused and Stuck, Boston
A: You have to break up with him, CAS. I understand that he's already broken up with you, but you're still invested in the relationship. You need to make the decision to end it for yourself, on your own terms. The goal is to be able to say, "I would not date this guy again, even if he wanted to try." If his friends tell you that he might want you back, you should be thinking, "He was entitled and judgmental. I don't want to deal with that nonsense."
I understand that it can be horrific to share the same work space with someone who rejected you. (Trust me, I've been there. I once bought a toaster for my desk to avoid a company cafeteria.) But you just have to desensitize yourself. The more you see this guy, the more you'll come to expect his disappointing indifference. After a while, it'll just feel routine.
Again, you must break up with him. Stop thinking about those romantic texts and focus on what became of the relationship. When you find yourself stewing about the situation, put on some music. Visit another friend in the office. Make after-work plans with non-work acquaintances. And yes, go out on more dates. You have to keep doing that. It's worth your time.
Readers? How can you get over someone you see at work every day? Will he change his mind? Did his opinions about her life and family mess with her head? Any advice? Help.
– Meredith
It's self-help time
It's time for another self-help review project.
Here's how it works:
I post a list of the self-help and relationship books that have been mailed to me over the past six months or so. If you want one, e-mail me (meregoldstein at gmail dot com). Put "BOOK!" in the subject line. Tell me which book you want and I'll do my best to get it to you. I have one copy of each book, so move fast.
If you get one of the books, you have homework. By early February I expect you to e-mail me a sentence or two about the most important thing you learned from the book. You can be critical. You can praise the book. You can be snarky. I just want to hear about the book and how it might help our community.
After I collect the reviews, I'll post them.
And if you don't hear from me in a day or two, assume your book was snagged by someone else.
- Meredith
Here's the list:
"Don't Roll Your Eyes: Making In-laws into Family," Ruth Nemzoff
"Dumped: You would have dumped him and you know it. He just beat you to it. Here’s our grown-up guide to getting ... over your ex in record time," Maryjane Fahey and Caryn Beth Rosenthal.
"8 Weeks to Everlasting: A Step-by-Step Guide to Getting (and Keeping!) the Guy You Want," Amy Laurent.
"Finding your Way in a Wild New World: Reclaim Your true nature to Create the Life You Want," Martha Beck
"The Nine Phases of Marriage: How to Make it, Break it, Keep it," Susan Shapiro Barash
"Meditation for Multitaskers: Your Guide to Finding Peace Between the Pings," David Dillard-Wright, PhD
"The Good Enough Spouse: Resolve or Dissolve Conflicting Marriages," Dr. William E. Ward.
"Talk to Me Like I'm Someone You Love: Relationship Repair in a Flash," Nancy Dreyfus
“I Love You But I Don’t Trust You: The Complete Guide to Restoring Trust in Your Relationship," Mira Kirshenbaum.
"Codependent No More: Workbook," Melody Beattie
"It’s Complicated (But it Doesn’t Have to Be): A Modern guide to Finding and Keeping Love," Paul Carrick Brunson.
"Stuff Every Husband Should Know," Eric San Juan
"I See Your Soul Mate: A Intuitive's Guide to Finding and Keeping Love," Sue Frederick.
"50 Ways to Play: BDSM for Nice People," Debra and Don Macleod.
"Shut Up and Dance: The Joy of Letting Go of the Lead- on the Dance Floor and Off," Jamie Rose
"Flirtexting: How to test your way into his heart," Debra Goldstein and Olivia Baniuszewicz
"Love 2.0: How Our Supreme Emotion Affects Everything We Feel, Think, Do, and Become," Barbara L. Fredrickson, PhD.
"The Heart of Money: A Couple’s Guide to Creating True Financial Intimacy," Deborah L. Price
"Anxious in Love: How to manage your anxiety, reduce conflict, and reconnect with your partner," Carolyn Daitch , PhD, and Lissah Lorberbaum, MA
"It's Your Move: How to Play the Game and Win the Man You Want," Nick Savoy
"Seven Thousand Ways to Listen: Staying Close to What is Sacred," Mark Nepo
"The Promise of Love, Sex, and Intimacy: How a Simple Breathing Practice Will Enrich Your Life Forever," Mark Whitwell.
"Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead," Brene Brown, PhD
"What Makes Love Last?: How to Build Trust and Avoid Betrayal; Secrets from the Love Lab," John Gottman, PhD, and Nan Silver.
In love with my (almost) divorced friend
We'll do a self-help giveaway tomorrow. Stay tuned.
Q: Dear Meredith,
I am in love with a woman who is going through a divorce. "Jane" and I are both in our early 40s, and have had a wonderful, platonic friendship for many years. I have always been attracted to her, but have never acted on my feelings out of respect for her marriage. I have occasionally socialized with her and her soon-to-be ex, but I always thought he was kind of a jerk and often didn't like the way he treated her. Nevertheless, I have never spoken badly of him or tried to interfere with their relationship in any way. One night a couple years ago, she got a little tipsy at a party and tried to get physical with me, but I was the one who backed off due to her inebriated state and out of respect for her marriage. We both laughed it off a few days later, and nothing like this has ever recurred.
A few months ago, her husband told her he wanted a divorce and walked out on her. Since then he has been insulting, demeaning, and emotionally abusive towards her. He insists there is no hope for reconciliation, and we both suspect he has another woman. She is emotionally devastated, and plagued with self-doubt. I have tried my best to be a good, supportive friend, and have not crossed the line or expressed my feelings for her. I only want what is best for her, even if that means getting back with her ex. However, this whole experience has made me realize how much I really love her. I can't help thinking that I would be so much better for her. I would be a loving, devoted husband who always supported her and made her my highest priority.
I realize what she needs right now more than anything is personal space, support, and time to heal. I know this would be a terrible time for her to get into a relationship, and that anything started under these circumstances would likely fail miserably. I am also petrified that if I act on my feelings, I will lose her as a friend forever. On the other hand, if somebody else comes along and snags her, I will kick myself for the rest of my life for not telling her how I feel.
What is the best way to handle this mess? How can I express my feelings without jeopardizing our friendship? How long should I wait before trying to start something with her? How do I support her through these difficult times without muddying the waters?
– In Love with a Pre-Divorcee, New York
A: This is a muddy mess, ILWAPD.
If you tell her how you feel, you risk confusing and alienating her. If you don't tell her how you feel, you might lose the opportunity to be with her.
My advice? Wait until you're 100 certain that this divorce is actually happening. If the split is legit and has been accepted by both parties, put everything out on the table. Tell Jane that you adore her as a friend, but that it's tough to be her objective sounding board because you also have romantic feelings for her. Tell her that you have no interest in pursuing a relationship with her if she's not ready, but that you need to be honest about where you're coming from. Tell her that you still think about what happened at that party. Tell her that you've been baffled about how to bring this up.
The thing is, there is no perfect time to tell her that you're waiting in the wings. She does need time to confirm that she's actually getting a divorce, but once that's settled, she deserves to know that her very close friend might be something more.
I won't lie -- you might lose her. But that's always been a risk. I'd rather you take the risk than kick yourself later.
Readers? Should he tell her how he feels? If so, when? Should he wait until she's already divorced and had some time alone? Would it be a risk to wait? Is this a real friendship if he has feelings for her? What about that night at the party? If you were Jane, would you want to know about the letter writer's feelings? Discuss.
– Meredith
I'm too young
Q: I am extremely torn in my current relationship. We are a homosexual couple and my partner is absolutely incredible. He is so attentive and can always lift me up when I am feeling down. He makes sure I am always taken care of and makes it very apparent that he is not OK unless I am. He shows the most genuine love for me in so many ways and I know I am at the center of his heart.
My issue is that we are 23 years apart in age. I am 22 and he is 45. Despite all of his amazing qualities, I still have so much trouble committing. I feel like if I commit, I am letting go of my youth and the life experiences that 22-year-olds have and cherish in their later years. We got together when I was 19 and had so much growing up to do. So while I love this man so much, I have this sense that I should move forward for myself because I have a long life ahead of me and I just feel that there is more out there for me to do before I settle down with somebody. But it breaks my heart to let go of someone so amazing and I know he will be devastated. Any thoughts?
– Just Too Soon, California
A: I'm sure he's great, JTS, but you're just not ready for a rest-of-your-life relationship. On some level, your partner knows that. If you're 42 and dating a 19-year-old, you have to know that the relationship is probably temporary. In fact, if you're 19 and dating a 19-year-old, you probably know that the relationship is going to end.
Tell him how you feel and start figuring out what's next for both of you. After three years, you're also good friends. Don't keep this to yourself and then pull the rug out from under him as soon as you're ready to bail. Just start the process. Talk.
And please know that you're doing the right thing. Yes, you're both going to be devastated to lose each other, but it was inevitable. You're just not ready. It's time to be 22 and trust your gut.
Readers? Any reason to stick around? Can you make him feel better about ending this relationship? Should his partner know that this is coming? Thoughts about the age difference? Help.
– Meredith
An intense bromance
This is a borderline Love Letter. Or is it?
Reminds me of the roommate I had the summer I turned 21 ... she used to make me fresh quiche in the morning ... Oh, Heidi ...
Q:I moved away from home 6 months ago for school and work. It was the first time I'd been away from my family for so long. I moved into a studio apartment for 2 months then started looking for a roommate because I hated being alone all the time. I met a friend at work. We decided to get an apartment and move in together. I really love living with him but I often wonder if I'm too attached to my roommate. Just to clarify: We're both heterosexual, 21-year-old men. I have never had a roommate before, so I think I do a lot more than the average roommate. I cook, clean, do the shopping, and do both of our laundry. He does help out with household duties too. I feel like a housewife but honestly I don't mind. I find myself always trying to make him happy or proud. I look up to him as a role model even though my friends don't think that's always a good thing. I don't like going back to my hometown for long periods because I miss him. I don't know what's going on. Is this normal? Am I attached because I love taking care of people and treat him like my child? Am I attached because he fills the void of my family? Am I in love with having someone to go home to? The term "bromance" describes it perfectly but it's often a joking term and I'm being dead serious. Why am I so obsessed/in love with my roommate?
– Confused In 'Cuse
A: This is your first time away from home, and you were so lonely before you moved in with this guy, CIC. His companionship cured the loneliness. No wonder you think he's so cool.
My guess is that you're in love with your new life and your roommate is just a part of that. You like keeping house. You like being a grown-up. You like that when you're with him, you feel useful. That's all OK.
Of course, there's a difference between excitement and obsession. If you find that you're ignoring the rest of your life (and other friends) to focus on this guy, you might need to reconsider this living situation. And the wanting to make him happy ... that's fine, within reason. You shouldn't be pleasing him at your own expense.
But really, this sounds like a friend crush. It's a new living situation and you're thrilled with it. That's all good. Just make sure that the rest of your life is full and busy. That'll keep things in perspective.
See how you feel about him in a few more months (and after a few dozen more loads of laundry).
Readers? Is this relationship healthy? Is he using his roommate as a substitute for family or a relationship? Does this happen when we're lonely? Why are his friends concerned? Discuss.
– Meredith
Sharing a home with my ex
Q:Dear Meredith,
I am a mother in my mid-20s with three amazing children. Currently I am living with the father of my children, who has a child from a former relationship. We broke up months ago, live in separate rooms, and have split up the house (essentially like a two-family split house). The children are able to pass between both floors. My ex and I never married, and it was never a huge issue considering I thought that we eventually would. I broke up with him because I felt he could not commit. It feels weird to say that after three children, but I slowly realized that he was controlling, every day we would fight over nothing, I never felt appreciated, and it was more stress than I needed while taking care of the family.
A little bit about him. He works full time and helps pay for the things the kids need (food, clothing, etc.). Aside from that, it has always felt like I am burdened with taking care of the kids all of the time. Don't get me wrong, I love my children and their existence keeps me fighting every day, but Mommy needs a break every once in a while. I work double shifts throughout the weekend, and a relative takes care of the kids during that time so that we both can work. During the week, I'm with the kids with no help from my ex. He believes in gender roles where the mother takes care of the kids and the father works, but I also need to work to make ends meet.
I do not mind taking care of the kids -- I just need him to change. I need a break every now and then, but he seems unwilling to help. I recently was very sick and still had to take care of the kids. He did not want to help just so I could rest. The baffling thing is that he wants to get back together. I try to tell him that things will need to change before I can commit to him. I need to know that he is willing to help. I am willing to get back with him if we can start to compromise and if he helps more than just financially. Sometimes all I ask for is 30 minutes out of the day to maybe feed the baby, or help our oldest with homework. And it would be nice if he wanted to take the family to the museum or something. Instead he works on the house (which I don't entirely mind) or sleeps and hangs out in his part of the house.
One other complication to us getting back together is that in months ago, I met this amazing guy. He is honest, straightforward, and always fun to be with. I feel very comfortable around him and can tell him anything. We went on a few dates but he has been very clear that he does not believe he could be in a relationship with me because of the kids and all the drama with my ex. I do not mind, and I completely understand where he is coming from, so we have grown to be great friends. My ex knows of him, but has said that if he and I were to get back together, I would have to end the friendship I have made with him. I cherish the relationship I have with my friend, and he is one of the only people I can tell anything.
Now that you have enough of the background, should I try to find a way to have a relationship with my ex? Is there a way to create boundaries between my ex and I, but not have it hurt the kids? Do I have to move out? I want him included in their lives, but I do not want to suffer everyday having to fight with him and having him tell me everything I am doing wrong. Is it right of him to ask that I end my friendship?
– Doesn't Know What to Do, Cambridge
A: It seems like you're in a perfect position to find out whether your ex has any intention of changing, DKWTD. Sure, you're separated, but is he making any effort to show you what life would be like if you got back together? Can he take the kids for an evening after you've had a long day? Can he plan a family activity on a weeknight? Can he be a friend and just listen for a while? Have you told him what you need and made very specific requests?
If he can't be a better guy while you're living on different floors, he won't change if you get back together. Be very clear about what you require to make this work and see if he has any interest in trying.
As for whether you have to move out if you don't get back together, well, yes, you should. If this relationship isn't going to work, you need to sit down with a real mediator to determine a visitation schedule and to talk about who'll cover specific expenses. Married or not, you have three kids. If you want to separate your households, you need boundaries and rules.
As for your friendship with the other man, I'm on the fence. If you have romantic feelings for him and you're simply suppressing them to keep him around, it's not healthy for anyone. I want you to have a pack of good, platonic friends. You should minimize the importance of this man and expand your circle. That's what's best for you anyway. I have a feeling that your ex would be less stressed about this guy if he were one of many friends in your life.
There's a lot to cover here, but you can start by telling your ex what you want from him right now. Again, if he can't help you out and treat you well while he's on another floor, he's basically telling you that nothing will change.
Readers? Will he change? Should she try? What about the other man? And what about the kids? Help.
– Meredith
He doesn't help
Q: My husband and I are recently married. While kids aren't happening yet (maybe within the next 2 years), I often wonder if they're even possible. I have no idea where life will take us when we do decide to have kids, but I'd like to feel confident about kids before going into it.
I know a lot of people have this issue, but my husband works a demanding job and commutes an hour each way to and from work. He leaves early in the morning and doesn't get home until 8 at night. On weekends, since he works so many hours during the week, he sits around and watches TV or plays video games all the time. Because of this, he rarely helps me out around the house, even small things like vacuuming and doing dishes. I have to ask him a million times to do something. For example, I wound up putting up all our Christmas lights because there was never a good time he felt like helping me out.
It makes me wonder: How much of a father will he be to our kids? Am I going to be out there seven months pregnant shoveling two feet of snow in the winter because he doesn't feel like getting up to help? Who's going to take the kid to day care, to school, to practice? He'll never be around to be a part of their lives, and I'm not sure I'm up to the task to essentially be a single mom. (I already take care of the dog by myself, and even that's taking a toll on me.)
I did briefly mention this to him once before, and he got very defensive about it. It almost sounded like "I work long hours and make three times your salary to support our lifestyle. Because you make less and work less hours, you have the time to do things like clean and take care of kids." He never came out and said that specifically, but that's the point he got across.
I will not ask him to quit his job or find a job closer to home. That feels selfish. He likes his job and it's a stable paycheck. He also has no intention of finding a new job to be closer to home, and unless we sell our house we can't move either. Is there a way to approach this situation without making him feel discriminated against or that I'm saying he'll be an awful father? Or do I just need to accept the fact he'll never be home to see our kids and help me out?
– Married mom-to-be, Woburn
A: I'm not concerned about your unborn kids at the moment, MMTB. I'm just thinking about your marriage.
Household division of labor is bound to be a bit lopsided if one person is home more than the other. That said, you shouldn't be doing everything. Perhaps it's worth spending some money on a professional cleaning service. Tell your husband that you don't want to fight about why he doesn't help more -- you just want a solution.
You also need to talk about the weekends. Spending a few hours on sports and video games is harmless, but an entire weekend in front of the TV? That seems pretty lonely. What did you guys do for quality time before you got married? What can you do to preserve your friendship so that you don't forget how to enjoy each other when you have time? What sounds fun?
It's probably not helpful to critique his fictional parenting skills, but it is worth having a conversation about how the relationship is working (or not working) right now. You don't want to be his roommate. You got married because you wanted a companion and partner.
Something tells me that if you come up with an easy solution to the cleaning issue and figure out how to enjoy your time together, you'll stop worrying about what will happen with kids. Don't focus on the hypothetical when there are real problems to deal with now.
Readers? Should he be helping out more? Would he sit around with video games if he had kids? How can she approach him about these problems without nagging? Help.
– Meredith
Most popular of 2012
Happy New Year.
Today we have a list of the most-viewed Love Letters of 2012. You can find it here.
One of our Globe co-ops spent a lot of time finding weird stock photos to go with these entries. I'm thinking that next year I should take pictures of myself reenacting the letters.
Have a good day. We'll talk more tomorrow.
- Meredith
Most popular of 2012
Happy New Year.
Today we have a list of the most-viewed Love Letters of 2012. You can find it here.
One of our Globe co-ops spent a lot of time finding weird stock photos to go with these entries. I'm thinking that next year I should take pictures of myself reenacting the letters.
Have a good day. We'll talk more tomorrow.
- Meredith
Most popular of 2012
Happy New Year.
Today we have a list of the most-viewed Love Letters of 2012. You can find it here.
One of our Globe co-ops spent a lot of time finding weird stock photos to go with these entries. I'm thinking that next year I should take pictures of myself reenacting the letters.
Have a good day. We'll talk more tomorrow.
- Meredith
Thinking about another guy
Be safe tonight. I'll post a list of the year's most popular Love Letters tomorrow.
Q: Dear Meredith,
I love my boyfriend. Here's my problem: A few months into our relationship, I met someone else. We spent one weekend together (my boyfriend was away). Nothing physical happened, but there was emotional cheating. I felt as if I could tell him my whole life story. After a week of seeing him almost every day and texting throughout the day, I felt horrible. I was crying hysterically over being this person who would essentially date someone else while having a boyfriend. The idea of breaking up with my boyfriend physically made me sick. I asked the other guy to get together so that I could tell him in person that I couldn’t be friends with him since I clearly wanted more than that. I didn't want to give up my boyfriend for him. The other guy was mad and hurt and stopped all contact with me. At first I was upset, but eventually, I was so relieved.
Fast forward: It's now seven months later, and my relationship with my boyfriend has only gotten better. We moved in almost two months ago, and it's fabulous. We talk about getting married, and I think he's making plans to propose. Last week, I saw the other guy for the first time in a long time. (We live in the same area and happened to run into one another.) He asked if we could get together and we did. It was awkward but perfectly appropriate. There was no flirting or emotional cheating or anything like that. He kept the meeting really short and was very nonchalant. He said something about getting together in the New Year, but I got the feeling he was just saying that. Anyway, instead of being relieved that he seems not interested, I was disappointed.
My boyfriend is my first real relationship, and because we are older, it's gotten serious quickly. Can you marry the first person you have a relationship with? I can't figure out how much I like the other guy versus how much I wish I had more dating experience.
The other guy is where I am from, and I'd never have to leave home for him. The truth is: I think I could be happy with either guy. I honestly think I could love them both deeply long-term. Part of my confusion has to do with the location stuff, but also, my boyfriend is really work-focused, and sometimes I wish he would spend more time with me and less time working. What do I do? Do I give up my relationship with my boyfriend and an opportunity to marry him (I know he'd never go back after a "break") just to try with the other guy? Should I ask the other guy if he’s even still interested? Leaving my boyfriend seems beyond stupid, but I'm wondering if the very fact that I'm even remotely considering this is a seriously bad sign. I feel like a crazy person. Please help!
– Crazy in Love, Boston
A: Stay with your boyfriend and forget the other guy, CIL. You love your relationship. Focus on what works.
Truth is, there are plenty of men out there who could make you happy. Had you not met your boyfriend, there would have been someone else. Maybe that person would spend less time at work, but there'd be different problems. It's always a tradeoff, and we just have to hope that we can find someone who makes us happy for a very long time.
You sound thrilled about you boyfriend, and you're only confused about this other guy when he's right in front of you. And even when he is right in front of you, you're capable of letting him go.
My real advice is to think about whether you're ready to get married. You mention being older, but that doesn't matter. Maybe you need a bit more time just living with your boyfriend before you make bigger commitments. Perhaps the rushing is what's making you crazy.
Readers? Is it a bad sign that she still has a crush on this other guy? Should she leave her boyfriend? Should she talk to him about the pace of the relationship? What’s happening here? Help.
– Meredith
I'm sad she got married
I'll post a list of the year's most popular Love Letters on Tuesday. (I'm basing this list on page views, not comments.) If anyone wants to try to guess the Top 5 -- in order -- please email me (by the end of Saturday) at meregoldstein at gmail with POPULAR in the subject line. If you get it right, I'll send you a prize.
Today's letter writer has reached out to us before. This seemed like a good Friday-after-Christmas letter. Angst and nostalgia.
Q: Dear Meredith,
I am writing because I need advice on something that I feel has affected me greatly. During an 18-month period (between the ages of 18-19), I dated a wonderful girl named *Christina*. We had an amazing relationship and I thought that we would always be together. Unfortunately, she broke up with me when she went away to college. Our friendship soured and we were never able to recapture the chemistry that we once had.
She moved on to dating other guys with ease, but I had trouble adjusting to life without her. I hadn't spoken to her in 5 years when I found out that she got married last month. I had heard that she was dating a guy for a long time, so I guess I shouldn't have been so surprised. It really saddened me to see that she got married. I'm not sure if it's because I'm still single, struggling to find a job, and living at home. Perhaps I always thought that we would bump into each other somewhere and recapture that old chemistry. Now with her being married, that seems impossible.
Even though I'm 27 years old and it's been almost 9 years since we broke up, I look back on our time together and it brings a smile to my face. It was such an innocent and romantic time. After all, she was my first love. Can you please help me figure out what I could be feeling inside and why? Is it common for people to feel sad when they find out their ex's get married, meanwhile they are still alone?
– Confused in Poughkeepsie
A: I used to have this recurring fantasy that I'd run into an old love -- Draco Malfoy -- on the streets of Boston. He'd be like, "Meredith, is that you?" And I'd be like, "Draco? Why, yes. Yes it is." And he'd be like, "You look amazing. Would you like to get coffee?" And then we'd go into a restaurant, maybe somewhere in the South End, and we'd talk for hours, just like we did when we first met.
It was a really great fantasy. I had to mourn it for at least 20 minutes when the first pictures of Draco's wedding showed up on Facebook.
Seeing Draco get married (in pictures) reminded me that I wasn't a kid anymore. He was an adult. I had responsibilities. Like you said, "It was such an innocent and romantic time." That's what I missed.
It is absolutely normal for you to have these feelings, but please see them for what they are. Her marriage reminds you that you can't hop into a time machine and travel back to 18. Her marriage makes it clear that you have a lot more that you'd like to do.
Focus on what's best for you at 27, and maybe come up with some new fantasies. Spend your energy on what you want right now. You say that this issue has "affected you greatly," but it hasn't, I promise. It's just nostalgia. You must force yourself to take a deep breath and focus on 2013.
Readers? Can you help him define these feelings? Were you sad to hear that an ex got married? What does all of this say about his life in the present? What can he do to get perspective? Help.
– Meredith
Should I help or stay out of the way?
Q: Hi,
I'm in a relationship with a fabulous man (Joe) who is the father of a wonderful 5-year-old (Jack). Joe and Jack's mom's romantic relationship ended before Jack was born. And while they have no legal agreement as to Jack's care, they have done a great job raising a healthy, smart, kind, fun boy together. Jack lives with his mom and Joe contributes monetarily to the household and sees Jack nearly every day and many weekends. I give them credit for making it work to date. However, things are now getting more difficult. Jack's mom is taking Jack away most weekends and on holidays, and Joe is not happy about this. And while he communicates it to Jack's mom, nothing changes. In fact, it is getting worse. I have been encouraging mediation as a way to a compromise, but Joe resists. I want the best for all four of us, but I have no way to make it happen for them. Should I continue my mediation encouragement or simply step back?
– Mediation Supporter, MA
A: You can encourage. You can ask questions. Then you have to step back.
I know that you'd love to jump in and fix this for everyone (and for the record, I love the mediation idea), but you're in a tough spot. This isn't your kid. The last thing you want to do is to create more tension between two parents who are trying to get along.
You can be Joe's friend by listening to him and quizzing him about his options. Ask him whether he's ever emailed Jack's mom about his issues. Maybe Jack's mom will pay more attention to the problem if she reads about it, as opposed to just hearing a quick complaint during a drop-off or pickup. Also ask Joe why he's bothered by the idea of mediation. Is he worried about turning an almost-pleasant arrangement into a legal battle? Is he worried about paying for professional help?
If there are questions he can't answer, advise him to go ask an expert. Perhaps he can get some legal help on his own. Maybe that's the step that will lead to a real plan.
There are ways for you to be helpful in this situation. I'd just recommend that you do more asking than advising. It's the best way to keep your relationship safe.
Readers? How can the letter writer make recommendations without getting too involved? How involved should she be? What is her role in this? Help.
– Meredith
Feeling guilty about the affair
No chat today. But we will chat next week.
Q: Dear Meredith,
I spent the last few months in an intimate relationship with a married man who I work with and have known for many years. We've always gotten along great, and I must admit that I was taken by surprise by his sudden interest in me. I did not see it coming and I reciprocated after some hesitation.
Things then took off. I heard all of the stories about the problems at home. Some I believed and some I didn't. I even caught him in a few lies. Given the circumstances, I was not surprised. It's obvious he lies ...
I am ashamed to admit that I just went along with it despite my initial objections. My thought then was that if he were truly on his way out of the marriage, it would be OK to spend time together, no strings attached. Besides, at that time I felt like I did not want a relationship. I only wanted a part-time companion.
Now, months later, I feel differently. Spending time with him has made me realize that I am truly ready to be in a "real" relationship. I want to be able to freely go places with a guy without hiding and being worried about being seen.
I don't want him to leave his wife for many reasons, including the fact that I don't feel like going public would be a good thing for either one of our jobs and I honestly don't feel like I am in love with him.
He is a nice guy. We have had a lot of good times together, but I don't know why I feel so guilty breaking it off with someone I know I could never have.
By the way, I know it isn't good enough, but I have apologized to his wife in my head about a million times....
– Overwhelmed by Guilt, Boston
A: You're not overwhelmed by guilt, OWG. At least not about the affair.
Your letter suggests that you feel guilty because you're ending this relationship for selfish reasons, not because it's the right thing to do.
If you liked this man more, would you continue the affair? (I fear the answer is yes.) If you believed that he might be a good long-term companion, would you have serious concerns about him leaving his wife? (I assume the answer is no.) Everything you say in this letter is about what's best for you. You feel bad about leaving him because you're still serving yourself first.
You compartmentalized so many decisions to make this affair seem acceptable that you've lost all perspective. It's time to get back to reality.
My advice is to drop this guy (obviously) and then spend some time asking yourself how you really feel. Talk to friends about your choices. Consider bouncing it off a professional. Write it down -- because sometimes it helps to see it all on paper.
It's time to remove yourself from the situation and let the accountability rush in. That's what's missing here.
Readers? Is she guilty about breaking up with him or about all that they've done? Has she compartmentalized the affair? What should she do now? Help.
– Meredith
Christmas updates
Merry Christmas. We have three updates today.
The first is from someone who had issues with spark.
Hello Meredith,
I'm writing to update you. Definitely have more perspective on the break-up now. I still miss him occasionally (I'm often surprised at how much I miss him after so much time ...) but I am moving on. Dating a lot, and while I haven't found someone who makes me feel "sparkly" like he did, I'm still hopeful that someone out there will give me butterflies again! On a positive note, I also never realized how strong I was until after this break-up AND it's only helped me better define what I want/don't want in a relationship.
Happy Holidays All!
And now an update from someone who was anxious.
Hi Meredith,
Sending you a holiday update. I wrote in about being too anxious about my relationship. I got on some medication that has helped ease the anxiety, but settling in to my job and my new relationship have helped as well. Taking deep breaths every day, learning some coping strategies, listening to This American Life on NPR when my mind starts to spin. Although my anxiety made me want to run away from my boyfriend, I'm so happy I stayed put. He is amazing, a great fit for me, and I'm so sad to see him go back to his family for the holidays. I want him to stay with me! To the commenters that thought I was a spoiled brat whose parents had paid for me to travel -- I actually fudged the truth a bit to remain anonymous (Meredith, you can publish this now). I was actually in a very different place (not Europe) and I went there with nothing, worked while I was there, and saved money so I could spend the time afterwards traveling. That was all done independently.
Happy holidays.
And an update from someone who wanted more.
I followed your advice, and I have to admit, it did take a little while for me to do that, but I finally broke it off with him because I knew he would never marry me. He is 43. He would've been married by now if he was going to get married. (Maybe I'm just not the one, but knowing him, I don't think he is the marrying kind.) Now I'm single again. I want to meet someone but it is hard. I never go out because between working a full time job and raising my 4yo beautiful daughter, I'm busy, but that's OK. I am blessed. Someday I will meet the right guy, and if I don't, I will have fun trying. My baby will always come first.
I want to thank you very much for your advice, and I wish you a Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!
And that's that. Have a great holiday. See you tomorrow.
- Meredith
He updated his profile
Former letter writers: I'm still taking updates. Email your update from your original address so I know it's you.
Have a lovely Christmas Eve. Be safe.
Q: Hi Meredith,
I'm hoping you can give me some words of wisdom. I met a man online and we started dating back in August. I'm 40, he is 47. Both of us are divorced, his child is grown, mine is younger. We spend weekends together, we text during the day, and if schedules permit, we see each other during the week. I've even met his parents. So far everything was great until ... there is always an until.
There were some pretty significant stressful shakeups at his job. As soon as this happened, he became distant, he started giving me one-word answers, the texts slowed down, and he barely spoke to me. It was a complete 180 change in less than a week. I asked him about it and he said it was all work related and how sorry he was that he let his work issues affect the relationship. Things got a little better.
But I got the nagging urge to check his dating profile. Perhaps I'm a bit naive, but after a couple months and meeting the parents, I suspended my profile. I figured I was seeing someone so there was no need. He still has his. It's active and it was recently updated!
We had a big ol' fight about it. He said it doesn't mean anything. He's only with me. And that his updating his profile is no big deal. To me it seems like a very big deal. To me it feels like he had his three-month trial run and now wants to upgrade and look for the bigger, better deal. He says that's not the case, but if not, why update his profile at all?
A friend of mine shared her theory with me. Older daters, i.e. 40+ and divorced, have two big mile stones when they are dating -- at 3 months and 6 months. At three months, this is when people get antsy and contemplate leaving the relationship. If they stick around for 6 months then they have committed to staying. Since we've hit our 3 month mark, it appears he wants to cut and run, but why not talk to me first before updating the profile? What are your thoughts on this?
– Stunned in Boston
A: I don't buy your friend's theory, SIB. It's an interesting idea, but it's way too arbitrary. I'm sure there are plenty of 40-somethings who have stories about relationships that got weird after eight months or a year. Every partnership (and breakup) is different. There are no rules.
As for your guy, I'm on your side. Updating the profile was a very big deal. It's not like he just looked at the thing. He took the time to spiff it up.
Work stress can make us crazy, but if this is how he behaves when he's under pressure, do you really want more of him?
If you're not feeling good at the three-month mark, that's all that matters. He messed up big time and hasn't put you at ease. You had legitimate questions about his behavior and he dismissed your concerns. I don't know what he's up to, but you deserve better.
Readers? Should she forgive the profile update? Why did he do it? Is it really not a big deal? What about her friend's theory? What about the work stress issue? Help.
– Meredith
Should she reach out to an ex over the holidays?
Former letter writers: Please send an update for the holidays. Email me from your original address so I know it's you.
Also, someone asked if we can have a poll. I'm trying a very simple one today (at the bottom of the letter). Let's see if it works.
Q: Hi Meredith,
I have been in love with one guy for the past 12 years. To me, he is the love of my life, my first love, and, well, everything else. We dated for six years when we were younger (both in our mid 20s now), and since then have been off and on. There have been summer flings here and there, and we always reconnect like magnets when we are both single. We have also been in other serious relationships, dated other people, and moved.
We reconnected again most recently this past summer. He ended a serious relationship and I have been single for the past couple of years. As soon as we were back together, it seemed right. I thought, "Wow, this is it this is actually going to work this time." We have always been a pair that friends say will be married one day, are meant to be, and all that good stuff.
But after this summer, he found out he had to move away for work for six months. In the few weeks leading up to that, he had mentioned visiting me in Boston and wanting to see me before he left. Well, that did not happen. What happened was that he stopped talking to me all together, picked up, and moved for work. My friends have told me not to reach out to him, to let it go, and move on. Problem is, I'm having a really hard time moving on. I constantly think about him, want to reach out to him, and although it might not happen, figure out what is going on.
With the holidays coming up and the possibility of him being home, I'm unsure what to do. Do I reach out to him and see how he is, and if he'll be home?? Is this a lost cause and something I need to let go? Do I follow all those corny sayings, "What's meant to be will be?" Please help.
– First Love, Boston
A: I'm with your friends on this one. They used to tell you that you might marry this guy, but now they're advising you to move on. They know what's up.
Why hasn't this oh-so-wonderful ex checked in to see what you're doing on Christmas? Why didn't he communicate with you -- even as a friend -- when he went away?
You return to each other when you're single because it's safe and easy, not because you're soul mates. You say you're magnets, but I say you're placeholders.
Let him become a part of your past. Get through the holidays and spend time with people who actively care about how you're doing every day.
It's never easy to let go of your first love, but the feelings will fade if you let them. He's not the love of your life, I swear. He's just the love of your early 20s.
Readers? What's happening here? Should she reach out? Why did he disappear? Will he contact her eventually? Can she get answers about what happened this summer?
– Meredith
Confused by an ex
Q: I have a problem. For about a year I was dating a guy who told me he loved me and did all the right things. We went for walks, he made me dinner, lit candles, gave me massages, etc. Then he kind of lost it. He only called me for sex and was never available for anything else. So I told him no and left him alone. I wanted a relationship, not just a hook up.
A little while after, I started seeing this other guy. Very nice, considerate, and a little romantic. Not anything like the first one, but he's OK. Recently, the first guy started calling me and invited me over. I went and accidentally ended up sleeping with him. He said he misses me and wants us to go back to how we used to be.
I would really like to believe in that, but I think he's just missing the sex. The new guy obviously doesn't know anything about this situation and I really don't know what to do. Should I play both ends to see if the first guy is serious or should I let them both know the situation? Or do something in between?
– Torn Lover
A: You can't "play both ends." And please don't tell these guys that you're basically testing them to see who's better.
At the end of the day, you think the new guy is just "OK." You just don't seem very into him, and he certainly wasn't on your mind enough to stop you from sleeping with old guy. Let him go.
As for old guy, it might be worth a talk -- at a restaurant, where you can't fall into bed. You had a good relationship for a while, and I don't want you to have any what-ifs. Hear him out and then go with your gut. Was the romance really dead? Had you just fallen into a routine? What does he want from you now? My gut tells me you need to start over without either of these men, but I have to wonder whether you're oversimplifying what happened with your ex.
I do wish I knew how long the new guy has been around, but it sort of doesn't matter. You're just not in. And you have too many questions about the ex. Get them answered.
Readers? Should she tell these guys what she's been up to? Should she ditch the ex -- or the new guy? Or both? Do the what-ifs bother you? Are we missing information about the year with the ex? Help.
– Meredith
Recent blog posts
Meredith Goldstein is a Boston Globe columnist who follows relationship trends and entertainment. She offers daily advice on Love Letters — and welcomes your comments. Meredith is also the author of "The Singles," a new novel about complicated relationships. Follow Meredith here and on Twitter. Love Letters can be found in the print edition of The Boston Globe every Saturday in the G section.
