August 6, 2013
Skyler was grouchy. The car wash smelled funny, like the chemicals they use to wash cars. Suddenly, Saul drove up and said something about a sandwich. Skyler just sort of stared at him, her soul being all dead and rotten from living with the terrible secret of Walt being a meth kingpin. She had a lot to think about, between the car wash and the kids and the dead rottenness of her soul, not that that was her fault. “Sandwich,” Saul said, snapping his fingers. “Sandwich.” And Skyler went to the place where the sandwiches were and got him one.
* * * “Damn, Skinny Pete,” Badger said. “I never knew you had such a boss collection of lanyards!”
“You know it, bro,” Skinny Pete said proudly. “I learned how to make lanyards at Camp Watonka when I was eleven, and I was the lanyard king, yo.”
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August 6, 2013
SEATTLE (The Borowitz Report)—Jeff Bezos, the founder of Amazon.com, told reporters today that his reported purchase of the Washington Post was a “gigantic mix-up,” explaining that he had clicked on the newspaper by mistake.
“I guess I was just kind of browsing through their website and not paying close attention to what I was doing,” he said. “No way did I intend to buy anything.”
Mr. Bezos said he had been oblivious to his online shopping error until earlier today, when he saw an unusual charge for two hundred and fifty million dollars on his American Express statement.
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August 5, 2013
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—As House Republicans began their five-week summer vacation, their leader, House Speaker John Boehner, urged them to rest up for “the many symbolic and meaningless votes that lie ahead.”
Mr. Boehner, while congratulating his colleagues on having voted to repeal Obamacare forty times, reminded his fellow-Republicans that their work is “far from over.”
“I want you to come back from vacation rested and refreshed, because we’ve got another year of futile, time-wasting votes to cast,” he said. “Only the strong will survive.”
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August 1, 2013
First and foremost, thanks to everyone for the selections that appeared in last week’s slide show of readers’ favorite New Yorker cartoons. Second and foremost, I’m still getting more selections, and when I get enough of them, voilà: a new slide show. So do your part, if you haven’t already, by sending a note to newyorkercartoon@gmail.com with your favorite or favorites. Usually, if you remember anything about the cartoon, I can find it for you, and there are two databases online to help you. One has been created for licensing the cartoons and the other for getting prints. The selection is pretty complete for cartoons published since 1985, but it’s very spotty before that. Which is too bad, because there are many great cartoons, and many great cartoonists, from the earlier years of the magazine that deserve to be seen.
Some of those cartoonists, like Charles Addams, Peter Arno, and Saul Steinberg, are still well known. But many cartoonists who were once as regular a presence in the magazine as that trio, such as Mischa Richter,
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August 1, 2013
Dear Mr. Smith,
A dream in which you “do something nasty with a family member”—and particularly a “distant cousin,” which, frankly, we hear about all the time—in no way merits inclusion in our magazine, no matter how arousing you may have found it.
Please see the Frequently Recorded Dreams page on our Web site to determine whether your dream is worthy of submission.
Sincerely,
Donald Wembly
Submissions Editor
Dreams Quarterly
American Academy of Dreams
* * *
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July 31, 2013
Internal memo circulated within the Anthony Weiner campaign for the Mayor of New York, sent Wednesday at 8:35 A.M.
Based on a round of polling conducted early Wednesday morning, a series of alarming downward trends have appeared regarding the support from some of our key constituencies, which, taken together, suggest that the demographic makeup of our road map to victory in the primary may need to be adjusted significantly:
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July 30, 2013
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Responding to Pope Francis’s suggestion that the Pope is not capable of judging gays, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia contacted the Vatican today to say that he would be “more than happy” to help the Pontiff do so.
“If he’s having trouble judging homosexuals, well, then I’m his man,” Scalia told reporters after making his offer. “I have over a quarter century of professional experience.”
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July 30, 2013
Wait, you don’t want to join me at Chipotle for lunch? No problem. I get it. You’re a foodie; I’m a foodie, too. I have strong thoughts about sous vide. I eat kale before noon with some regularity. I get it.
Really, your palate is so refined that you can tell the difference between lettuces even when they’re smothered in sour cream?
What’s with the line? You don’t have eight minutes?
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July 29, 2013
Dear Neighbors,
It is clear to me that very few residents of the building have read the minutes from last year’s co-op meeting. I hate to repeat myself, but I will. (Actually, I don’t hate to repeat myself at all. I love it. #Transparency!)
I need not remind you that 703 is a co-op. As in coöperate. We are all shareholders in the wonderful tree that is 703 West End Avenue, and each of our branches helps support the others. Or, to put it another way, we are all a family: a fifty-five-unit family that should have been fifty-seven units had the Victors not consolidated 10H, 10J, and 11J before I became board president. At 703, everyone is equal, even the Victors. One family, one vote.
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July 29, 2013
NEW YORK (The Borowitz Report)—One day after his campaign manager quit, the mayoral candidate Anthony D. Weiner named his penis to the post, telling reporters, “He was already making most of the major decisions, anyway.”
In announcing the new appointment, Mr. Weiner lavished praise upon his penis, calling him “a tough hombre” who “cares about the struggles of ordinary, middle-class New Yorkers.”
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