Daily Shouts

September 16, 2013

Halftime Speech

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O.K., everyone, have a seat, grab a water, and listen up.

That was garbage. Seriously. If I could throw that first half into the trash can, I would. And I’d throw your cleats in after it, because clearly you don’t want to be playing soccer today.

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September 14, 2013

No Cliché Is an Island: The Thrilling Conclusion

First, congratulations to everyone for playing the “No Cliché Is an Island” game. Second, congratulations to the three surviving finalists, all of whom got to stay on the island with their suggestions for a cartoon image that a well-known cliché or tweak thereof (not to be confused with twerk) would make a good caption for.

To recap, the three finalists were:

1. One guy says to another at an anti-gun rally in which a dog is marching: “That dog won’t hunt.” (Steve Taylor)

2. A woman is talking to her husband and saying, “So, short story long.” (Lawrence Wood)

3. Three wise men arriving with their gifts of gold, frankincense, and myrrh.The shepherd whispers to them: “A word to the wise: think gift card next time.” (Giselle Deziel)

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September 13, 2013

A Song for Gus the Polar Bear

Gus, the Central Park polar bear, died this summer, at the age of twenty-seven. This is a song for him; it’s called “Restlessness”:


Directed by Jonah Green.

Previously: Marc Philippe Eskenazi sings a farewell to the Fung Wah bus service.

Visit The New Yorker video channel, featuring profiles, commentary, interviews, and more.

September 12, 2013

Putin’s “Modern Love”

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TO: Jill Abramson, Executive Editor, the New York Times
FROM: Vladimir Putin

Dear Jill,

Thanks for your kind words about my Op-Ed in today’s Times. I’ve been checking your Web site every five minutes and I see it’s the second most popular story, right after the Science Times article about middle-aged men and estrogen.

Since my writing seems to be such a big hit with your readers, I thought I’d submit a “Modern Love.” Let me know what you think! :)

Yours,
Vlad

* * * 

Modern Love
by Vladimir V. Putin

They say love is like a polar bear. If you want to take it in your arms and hug it, first you must be sure that it is properly drugged. Or perhaps love is like a tiger. If it escapes from the zoo and starts charging at you, you must shoot it with a tranquilizer dart. Whether it is a polar bear or a tiger, though, one thing is true: you must make love drop to the ground, preferably with some kind of drug, or it will maul you to death and eat you.

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September 12, 2013

McCain Accuses Obama of Thinking Before Using Force

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) was harshly critical today of President Obama’s nationally televised address about Syria this week, telling CNN’s Wolf Blitzer, “The President’s decision to think before attacking another country flies in the face of American foreign policy.”

“The United States of America has been involved in countless armed conflicts since this great nation was founded,” Mr. McCain said. “Many of those would never have happened if we’d stopped to think about them first. Sadly, the President seems not to have learned this lesson of history.”

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September 11, 2013

In My Teen-age Dystopian Movie

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In my teen-age dystopian movie aliens attack, and because they have come in search of fake-distressed retro clothing that is inexplicably in short supply on their planet, they capture all the kids who wear Hollister and take them to another galaxy.

At first, all the other kids and I are like, cool, because does the world really need people who spend large amounts of money shopping in a store that has intentionally bad lighting and intentionally underdressed staff selling intentionally nice but overpriced distressed retro clothing?

But then it turns out that the aliens have left a virus on the earth and it starts killing everyone. It’s a horrible virus. First, your voice starts to sound disembodied, like your vocal cords are hooked to autotune. Then your hair and teeth fall out.

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September 10, 2013

Kerry Shocked to Be Taken Seriously

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Secretary of State John Kerry said today that he was “shocked and flabbergasted” that the Russians heeded his suggestion about Syria’s chemical weapons, telling reporters, “After four decades in public life, this is the first time someone has taken me seriously.”

“Whether as a senator, a Presidential candidate, or Secretary of State, I’ve devoted countless hours to thunderous and droning speeches that people have consistently tuned out,” he said. “So naturally, to be listened to all of a sudden came as something of a shock.”

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September 9, 2013

A Bully Does His Research

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Well, well, well, if it isn’t Little Tommy. Gimme your lunch money, dweeb! Hand it over! What? Are you scared to give me your money? Are you worried about your family’s financial situation now that your parents are separated? Well, boo-hoo-hoo! You probably think it’s your fault, don’t you? And even though Mommy told you that it had nothing to do with you, that you didn’t make Daddy fall in love with his hygienist and run away to that ashram in Oregon, it still feels unsettling. You lie awake telling yourself, “If I had just loved them more, if I had just gotten better grades or was nicer to Grandma when she was in the hospital after her stroke, they would still be together.” And now you have to give me the money your mother gives you because she can’t pack a bag lunch since her insomnia and recent dependence on Ambien makes her too groggy in the morning. Well, cry me a river!

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September 7, 2013

No Cliché Is an Island: The Sequel

Well, it turns out that many of you rose to meet my cliché challenge and gave a hundred and ten per cent. The challenge, you’ll recall, was to offer a cartoon scenario for which a cliché could serve as the punch line. That task proved to be a tough row to hoe. Perhaps you put your noses too close to the grindstone, or maybe being babes in the woods at this sort of thing, you couldn’t see the forest for the trees.

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September 6, 2013

G20 Ends Abruptly as Obama Calls Putin a Jackass

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ST. PETERSBURG (The Borowitz Report)—Hopes for a positive G20 summit crumbled today as President Obama blurted to Russia’s Vladimir Putin at a joint press appearance, “Everyone here thinks you’re a jackass.”

The press corps appeared stunned by the uncharacteristic outburst from Mr. Obama, who then unleashed a ten-minute tirade at the stone-faced Russian President.

“Look, I’m not just talking about Snowden and Syria,” Mr. Obama said. “What about Pussy Riot? What about your anti-gay laws? Total jackass moves, my friend.”

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