WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In what is being hailed as a rare example of bipartisan coöperation, Senate Democrats and Republicans came together today on a near-unanimous vote to defund Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas).
The measure, which shuts down all nonessential functions of Sen. Cruz, passed by a margin of ninety-nine to one.
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Republican leaders warned the newly elected Iranian President Hassan Rouhani that they would frown on his shaking hands with President Obama at the United Nations today, saying that any embrace of Obama would signal that Iran was not serious about abandoning extremism.
“We welcome President Rouhani’s moderate rhetoric,” said Senator Rand Paul (R-Ken.). “But those words are rendered hollow if he is willing to shake the hand of a notorious extremist.”
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_Amicable parting from parents (it was just time).
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a poll taken over the weekend about the looming debt-ceiling crisis and government shutdown, most Americans said that they were totally excited about the new iPhone 5s.
When asked about the prospect of a debt-ceiling logjam leading to a downgrade of the U.S. economy, seventy-two per cent of those surveyed said that the new iPhone looks like the most awesome iPhone yet.
Continue Reading >>I was very pleased with the results of the cliché caption contest, but, while many people shared my opinion that the finalists were funny, some women took umbrage at this cartoon, considering it offensive to women:
And there were others who took umbrage at the umbrage.
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A reporter from our humor department has tried to find a talk on men and economics given in 2005 by Janet Yellen at Harvard Business School. But since there’s no sign of a transcript (or such a speech), here’s how our correspondent imagines it might have gone.
I’d like to thank Harvard for inviting me here today to speak about the issues of diversity that confront the world’s élite financial institutions. Now, there are many fields in which men are significantly overrepresented, but it is especially troubling in the case of economics for one reason: men are so bad at it.
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that they needed to be in peak physical condition for their looming effort to defund Obamacare, over a hundred House Republicans lined up for their free annual physicals today.
The physicals, part of Congress’s government-subsidized health-care package, yielded good news for many of the House G.O.P., who learned that they were strong and healthy enough for the demanding task of defunding Obamacare.
“My blood pressure was lower than I thought it would be,” said Rep. Jim Jordan (R-Ohio). “That’s amazing, because it goes through the roof whenever I think about how Obamacare would destroy America.”
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying he was “sorry it had to come to this,” Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia said today that he was forming an “independent search committee” to select a new Pope.
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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In a sharply critical op-ed piece for the Russian Web site Pravda, Sen. John McCain (R-Arizona) called Russian President Vladimir Putin “a brutal, freedom-hating tyrant” and challenged Mr. Putin to tear down the Berlin Wall.
“The Wall stands as a symbol of your failed, repressive system,” Sen. McCain said. “Until you tear it down, the world will see you and your Soviet goons for what you are: relics destined for the dustbin of history.”
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“Princess” is an eighteen-month-old iPhone 4 whose owner deserted her at a dive bar. She spent a week in the lost-and-found box and a month rattling around in a van with the bartender’s band. When she was brought to our shelter, she was so tangled with apps she could barely run. It took our volunteers hours to remove them. This loving communications device has abandonment issues and needs to be an “only” phone.
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