Two rapid blinks: Good morning. As you know, I have been taken hostage. The armed, dead-eyed gentlemen you see flanking me in this video are Stavro and Daaud, two of my captors. I am going to attempt to convey a private message to you by blinking out a series of coded communications, for which this is the key.
Three rapid blinks: Same as above, but replace “Good morning” with “Good afternoon” (as necessary).
Four rapid blinks: Same as above, but replace “Good afternoon” with “Good evening” (as necessary).
Five rapid blinks: I have something in my eye. It’s very dusty here.
MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The N.S.A. leaker Edward Snowden today reached out to the United States government, offering to fix its troubled healthcare.gov Web site in exchange for immunity from prosecution.
Speaking from an undisclosed location in Russia, Mr. Snowden said he hacked the Web site over the weekend and thinks he is “pretty sure what the problem is.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A nation that waited several decades for health insurance is becoming increasingly infuriated by a Web site that is wasting minutes of its time, reports from across the United States confirm.
The official Web site of Obamacare, HealthCare.gov, has been plagued by glitches, crashes, and sluggishly loading pages, say millions of angry Americans attempting to log on to the site at exactly the same time.
Good morning! I am a leaf blower! You’ve probably heard me. Right now, for example. Sure, put that pillow over your head. That should help.
I woke you up this morning to clear the air—air filled with particles that always get in your eye, even when you’re, like, fifty feet away and you crossed the street so that this wouldn’t happen. I want to proclaim once again that I am the absolute greatest invention ever, the best thing you humans have come up with, if you don’t count those paper towels where you can take only, like, half a paper towel if that’s all you need.
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Residents of the District of Columbia were roused from their sleep by a massive fireworks display over the White House just after midnight, as President Obama declared what he called “a national day of gloating.”
“It would not be productive for this nation, going forward, to crow about our victory over political adversaries,” he said in a nationally televised address. “So let’s get it all out of our systems today.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Acknowledging that the government shutdown was coming to an end, an emotional Sen. Ted Cruz (R-Texas) took to the Senate floor today to make an impassioned speech, telling his colleagues, “The dream of keeping poor people from seeing a doctor must never die.”
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Adding his voice to the eleventh-hour debate about the government shutdown, Senator Rand Paul (R-Kentucky) today proposed reopening just enough of the government to hold new hearings on Benghazi.
“Across this great nation of ours, people are suffering,” he told Fox News’s Megyn Kelly. “Suffering, Megyn, because they still don’t know what really happened in Benghazi.”
I believe you are a good person, but I do not believe that this film is a good film. I do not believe it is going to be positive for me or the people I care about. I believe that it is going to be overwhelmingly negative for me and the people I care about …. It is contrary to my interests, and to those of my organization, and I thank you for your offer, and what I am sure of is your genuine intent, but I must, with inexpressible regret, turn it down.
—An excerpt from Julian Assange’s letter to Benedict Cumberbatch, who plays Assange in the film “The Fifth Estate,” written in reply to Cumberbatch’s request for a meeting.
Thank you for the offer of a burrito. My assistants have communicated your offering, and I have given it a lot of thought, and examined memories of previous burritos, which I was fond of, and were of the chicken and beef variety.