Q My sister, 45, has three daughters — 17, 16 and 6 — a sharp tongue and an ex-husband who has remarried and started a new family. He is barely involved with his girls, although he does send a child support check to my sister every month. ¶ The children’s basic needs are met and there is no physical or substance abuse in the home, but these girls have lived on the edge of an active volcano ever since their parents divorced five years ago. My sister’s temper has gone from sharp to nuclear. She uses tough (but acceptable) language when she talks to her daughters in public, but her outbursts at home are extraordinary. These eruptions occur every month or two and are directed only at her daughters. The girls still seethe with resentment, scream back in self-defense, slam doors and storm out of the house in tears. ¶ I’ve tried to talk to my sister about these angry explosions, but she clams up and says that she can’t help it. I know that she is strapped financially and that she is still furious because her husband left her, but I don’t think she should rest her rage on the skinny shoulders of her young girls, especially when there is no adult to intervene on their behalf. ¶ The two older daughters can’t wait to leave home, but they’re afraid that their little sister won’t be able to fend for herself. My heart breaks for her, too. And yet somehow these girls do well in school, have a lot of nice friends and don’t get into scrapes. ¶ I can’t help my sister much because I live 300 miles away, and I can’t give her much money because I have my own family to raise, but is there anything else that I can do for her and for my wounded nieces?
A You have a double problem: your sister and her girls — and the girls take precedence. The needs of children always come first.
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