The Borowitz Report

November 14, 2013

Republicans Blast Obama’s Support of Their Idea

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Moments after President Obama said he would allow insurers to continue health plans that were to be cancelled under the Affordable Care Act, leading Republicans blasted the President for agreeing with an idea that they had supported.

“It’s true that we’ve been strongly in favor of Americans being allowed to keep their existing plans,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “But now that the President is for it, we’re convinced that it’s a horrible idea.”

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November 12, 2013

Issa Accuses Obama of Trying to Make Affordable Care Act Work

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an explosive accusation, the House Oversight Committee chairman Darrell Issa (R-California) today charged President Obama with “using all the resources at his disposal to make the Affordable Care Act work.”

Accusing the President of participating in “a wide-ranging conspiracy,” Mr. Issa told reporters that “behind closed doors, the President has quietly assembled a high-tech brain trust that is working around the clock to fix the Healthcare.gov Web site—at government expense.”

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November 6, 2013

Study: Americans Safe from Gun Violence Except in Schools, Malls, Airports, Movie Theatres, Workplaces, Streets, Own Homes

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A new study released today indicates that Americans are safe from the threat of gun violence except in schools, malls, airports, movie theatres, workplaces, streets, and their own homes.

Also: highways, turnpikes, libraries, places of worship, parks, universities, restaurants, post offices, and cars.

Plus: driveways, garages, gyms, stores, military bases—and a host of other buildings, structures, and sites.

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November 4, 2013

Obama Has Lied to American People, Says Lying Expert

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—President Obama has imperiled his second term by lying to the American people, one of the nation’s foremost lying experts said Sunday on NBC’s “Meet the Press.”

The accusation carried weight, observers said, coming as it did from a legendary figure in the high-stakes world of competitive lying.

He was harshly critical of Mr. Obama’s fibbing, calling it “amateurish at best,” contrasting the President’s lack of lying experience with his own half-century of dishonesty.

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October 31, 2013

G.O.P. Unveils Own Health-Care Web Site, EmergencyRoom.gov

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Saying that “the American people are fed up with a disastrous Web site that doesn’t work and never will,” House Majority Leader Eric Cantor (R-Virginia) and a phalanx of congressional Republicans today unveiled their own health-care Web site, EmergencyRoom.gov.

“At EmergencyRoom.gov, every American can access the one tried-and-true health-care system that has worked in this country for decades,” he said.

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October 30, 2013

Sebelius Admits She Has Never Actually Gotten on Healthcare.gov

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Department of Health and Human Services Secretary Kathleen Sebelius dropped a bombshell during her testimony before the House Energy and Commerce Committee today, admitting that she has never successfully logged on to the Obamacare Web site, healthcare.gov.

The jaw-dropping confession occurred just minutes into the hearing, after Chairman Fred Upton (R-Michigan) asked Secretary Sebelius about some of the functions of the site, causing her to respond, “I don’t feel comfortable talking about a Web site that I’ve never actually gotten onto.”

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October 29, 2013

N.S.A. Promises to Stop Getting Caught Spying on Allies

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Responding to the firestorm of controversy over its spying on European allies, the head of the National Security Agency said today it would do everything in its power to avoid being caught doing it in the future.

“There are two important jobs for every spy agency: spying on people and avoiding detection,” said the N.S.A. chief General Keith Alexander. “Unfortunately, at the N.S.A. we have only done the first job well.”

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October 24, 2013

Congress Spends Several Hours Pretending to Understand Internet

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an impressive white-knuckle performance on live television today, members of Congress spent several hours in a hearing room pretending to understand the Internet.

Beginning this morning, members of the House Energy and Commerce Committee devoted four hours to grilling Web-site contractors about site architecture, Web traffic, software, and other I.T. concepts about which their ignorance is nearly complete.

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October 21, 2013

Snowden Offers to Fix Healthcare.gov

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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MOSCOW (The Borowitz Report)—The N.S.A. leaker Edward Snowden today reached out to the United States government, offering to fix its troubled healthcare.gov Web site in exchange for immunity from prosecution.

Speaking from an undisclosed location in Russia, Mr. Snowden said he hacked the Web site over the weekend and thinks he is “pretty sure what the problem is.”

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October 21, 2013

Nation That Waited Decades to Pass Health Care Infuriated by Slow Web Site

Posted by Andy Borowitz

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WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—A nation that waited several decades for health insurance is becoming increasingly infuriated by a Web site that is wasting minutes of its time, reports from across the United States confirm.

The official Web site of Obamacare, HealthCare.gov, has been plagued by glitches, crashes, and sluggishly loading pages, say millions of angry Americans attempting to log on to the site at exactly the same time.

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