November 16, 2013
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—Faced with a barrage of new questions about the Affordable Care Act, President Obama cut short a White House press conference today, telling the stunned press corps, “You know what? Everybody can keep their damn insurance.”
Glaring at the reporters, the President continued, “You heard me. If your insurance is crappy, then you just go ahead and keep it—the crappier, the better. Let’s pretend this whole thing never happened.”
A vein in his forehead visibly throbbing, the President added, “You know, I really wish I hadn’t spent the last three years of my life on this thing. I should’ve just gone around invading countries for no reason. That would’ve made everybody happy. Well, live and learn.”
As the reporters averted their eyes from the President, many of them looking awkwardly at their shoes, he concluded his remarks: “All those people out there who want to repeal Obamacare? Well, guess what: I’ll make their day and repeal it myself. Really, it’s my pleasure. But I swear that this is the last time I try to do something nice for anybody.”
Get the Borowitz Report delivered to your inbox.
Photograph by Win McNamee/Getty.
November 16, 2013
Now that President Obama has apologized for the botched rollout of the Affordable But Not Enrollable Care Act, I can take full responsibility for my botched post of last week. Look, when I’m wrong, I’m wrong, and am always the first to admit it. That’s not because I like to admit error more than anyone else, it’s just that when you think about it, from a definitional standpoint you are the only one who can confess to your own error. I mean, you can’t admit that I’m wrong. Only I can do that. Anyway, stop bothering me. I’m admitting it. Admitting what? Admitting that, in last week’s post on plagiarism, where I thought this cartoon by Amy Hwang
was too close for comfort to this prior cartoon by Charles Addams, I was wrong. There, now I’ve said it, and I feel better.
Continue Reading >>
November 15, 2013
It’s been 125 years since Thanksgiving and the first night of Hanukkah coincided, and it won’t happen again for a very long time. —The New York Times
In the year 1620, the Pilgrims sailed to the New World on a ship called the Mayflower, also known by its ancient Hebrew name, the Maccabee. The ship’s captain was a brave and rebellious man named Judah Mayflower. (To make things easier in the New World, he sometimes went by the name John Smith.)
Continue Reading >>
November 14, 2013
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report) — Moments after President Obama said he would allow insurers to continue health plans that were to be cancelled under the Affordable Care Act, leading Republicans blasted the President for agreeing with an idea that they had supported.
“It’s true that we’ve been strongly in favor of Americans being allowed to keep their existing plans,” said House Speaker John Boehner (R-Ohio). “But now that the President is for it, we’re convinced that it’s a horrible idea.”
Continue Reading >>
November 13, 2013
How’s everyone doing tonight? I can’t hear you! I said, How’s everyone doing tonight?
I’m sensing that you’re not being honest here. How are you really doing tonight? Again, I can’t hear you, but I’m guessing that, deep down, you truly want to be heard.
So, I just moved to Los Angeles from New York, and I’ve noticed people here really care about seeming healthy. I didn’t say being healthy; I said seeming healthy! It’s like, hello, you don’t get antioxidants from people seeing you take shots of wheatgrass!
Continue Reading >>
November 12, 2013
Hello, everyone!
Finally sending out our fall family newsletter! Although judging by the height of the pestilential body piles, it feels more like summer, am I right?
Here are some updates on our lives:
As you probably know, five of my siblings were lost to the Black Death. Which, as I’m sure you understand, is super awesome. What are the odds that we only lost a third of the fam? The House of Rudtrodd is always fortunate, praise be to the Lord our Savior, and let us all thank him for punishing our debauchery with pestilence.
Continue Reading >>
November 12, 2013
WASHINGTON (The Borowitz Report)—In an explosive accusation, the House Oversight Committee chairman Darrell Issa (R-California) today charged President Obama with “using all the resources at his disposal to make the Affordable Care Act work.”
Accusing the President of participating in “a wide-ranging conspiracy,” Mr. Issa told reporters that “behind closed doors, the President has quietly assembled a high-tech brain trust that is working around the clock to fix the Healthcare.gov Web site—at government expense.”
Continue Reading >>
November 11, 2013
Is the New York housing market getting you down? Are you wondering how you’ll ever afford a mortgage? Are you sick and tired of getting outbid on run-down condos that you didn’t like that much to begin with?
You’re not alone. And, no matter what your mother might say, you don’t have to “face facts and just move to the suburbs, where you belong.” Westchester is not the only way out!
The team here at Broken Windows Theory, Inc., has been studying the New York market for decades, and we’ve learned how to manipulate it. Yes, the rumors are true. We can bring down the price on the apartment of your dreams.
Continue Reading >>
November 9, 2013
I feel bad for Rand Paul, who has been hit with the plagiarism charges. Maybe it was in the cards, however, since his birth, when his first name was plagiarized. To be completely above board, I propose that, going forward, he should always footnote his name. If he’s too busy, his staff can attend to it.
The whole Rand* Paul brouhaha got me thinking that maybe, in a way, we are all plagiarists, at least inadvertently. It’s very hard to say what someone has not already said before, considering how much has already been said. To illustrate, what I just wrote was, to the best of my knowledge, an original string of words. Yet, when I Googled the phrase “We are all plagiarists,” these results came up:
Continue Reading >>
November 6, 2013
The following is an excerpt from “Let Me Off at the Top!: My Classy Life and Other Musings.”
My father, Claude Burgundy, was a natural born News Anchor, as was his father and his father before him. Of course there was no television or radio station in Haggleworth, Iowa. Instead, every Friday night he would set up a desk in the Tight Manhole, an Irish bar where the mine workers drank and sang songs of misery. The oil company paid him to report on all the charitable and civic-minded projects they had in the works as well as hard-hitting news stories happening in Haggleworth. Because of his honest face and gifted speaking voice, men and women would come in from all the other bars in Haggleworth—the Dirty Chute, the Mine Shaft, the Rear End, the Suspect Opening, the Black Orifice, the Poop Chute, too many to list here—all to listen to The Shell Oil Burgundy Hour. In Haggleworth it was the most popular show on Fridays at ten P.M. for years. It consistently beat out Dragnet and Ernie Kovacs in the local ratings. He would report high school sports scores, weddings, divorces, births, who was diddling who, but mostly good news about the oil company and their interests. I would come and watch from the front row and be transfixed by his smooth delivery and sharp tailoring.
Continue Reading >>
