1 capture
27 Feb 2014
JANFEBMAR
27
201320142015
About this capture



































???initialComments:true! pubdate:02/26/2014 16:48 EST! commentPeriod:14! commentEndDate:3/12/14 5:48 EDT! currentDate:2/26/14 7:0 EST! allowComments:true! displayComments:true!
PHOTOS|Best-picture Oscar winners
PHOTOS|Lupita Nyong’o
PHOTOS|Choosing the right paint
PHOTOS| Debbie Dingell
Carolyn Hax
Columnist
Carolyn Hax: Focus on the new beau and stop worrying about what the friends think
By Carolyn Hax,
Adapted from a recent online discussion​.
Dear Carolyn:
Carolyn Hax
Carolyn Hax started her advice column in 1997 as a weekly feature for The Washington Post, accompanied by the work of “relationship cartoonist” Nick Galifianakis. She is the author of “Tell Me About It” (Miramax, 2001), and the host of a live online discussion on Fridays at noon.
Archive
(Nick Galifianakis/For the Washington Post)
You might also like...
Ask Amy
Amy Dickinson
Ask Amy: Graduate finds first jobs boring
She the People
Carol Moseley Braun: ‘Small wonder’ there is not more diversity in Congress
The first African American female senator reflects on her historic term twenty years later.
More
After a year-and-a-half relationship that many expected was going to be long-term, we broke up, and I was surprised to find that many of our friends were not surprised, claiming that they “supported our relationship” but thought we were too different and they didn’t want to say anything while we were in the relationship.
Now, four months later, I’m in a wonderful relationship that has the potential of being very long-term. I understand it’s the “honeymoon” phase, but I know when I’ve found something really good.
Everyone thinks he is an amazing guy, but I don’t get any sort of enthusiastic reaction from friends and family, which I believe could be because of my past relationship. Is there anything I could say to these people that would help them understand that I would prefer they would be as happy and supportive as my previous relationship?
The Reaction Factor
Nope. It’s not worth it, nor is it your place. It’s possible they think it’s too soon after your breakup, it’s possible they think it’s another mistake, it’s possible this is what approval actually looks like (since, remember, the last approval you experienced was fake). None of this matters now.
What does matter is that you proceed with this relationship at a pace that reflects good judgment and incorporates your experience, recent and otherwise. If you and he progress to the point where friends and family (and you) can reasonably expect to know this guy well and you’re still getting a lukewarm reception, then ask one or two particularly trustworthy people what they think.
Otherwise, please stop scanning the crowd for reactions. Check out how many times you look outside your relationship for opinions of it: “that many expected”; “many of our friends were not surprised”; “Everyone thinks he is an amazing guy”; “I don’t get any sort of enthusiastic reaction”; “I would prefer they would be as happy and supportive.” And it’s not a long letter.
One could speculate (not I, pshhh) that you’re dating not to please yourself, but your audience, which all but assures a mismatch.
Forget what they think — how do you feel?
Hi, Carolyn!
As the first in our immediate group to have a baby, I’m left wondering about proper protocol on when to bring him along. I’ve tried to just guess and been wrong about people’s preferences in every way: we left him home, hosts asked why; we stayed home because we couldn’t get a sitter, host wished we had come instead; we brought him only to realize that wasn’t the host’s intention.
I often e-mail and ask, but is there a better way to handle it? I’m not trying to impose my baby on anyone else, but if I can bring him, I’d often prefer that.
First Friend With Baby
“Should I bring the baby, or call a sitter?” That suggests you’re fine with either option, where, “Okay if I bring the baby?” sounds like a preference and might come across as pressure.
You might be misunderstood from time to time, or told what people think you want to hear vs. the truth, but if overall you’re respectful of hosts’/organizers’ wishes, you’ll get a straight answer from most.
Write to Carolyn Hax, Style, 1150 15th St. NW, Washington, D.C. 20071, or tellme@washpost.com​. Get her column delivered to your inbox each morning at http://bit.ly/haxpost​.
Reprints
Loading...
Comments
Discussion Policy
Add your comment
 
Read what others are saying

SuperFan Badge
SuperFan badge holders consistently post smart, timely comments about Washington area sports and teams.
More about badges | Request a badge
Culture Connoisseur Badge
Culture Connoisseurs consistently offer thought-provoking, timely comments on the arts, lifestyle and entertainment.
More about badges | Request a badge
Fact Checker Badge
Fact Checkers contribute questions, information and facts to The Fact Checker​.
More about badges | Request a badge
Washingtologist Badge
Washingtologists consistently post thought-provoking, timely comments on events, communities, and trends in the Washington area.
More about badges | Request a badge
Post Writer Badge
This commenter is a Washington Post editor, reporter or producer.
Post Forum Badge
Post Forum members consistently offer thought-provoking, timely comments on politics, national and international affairs.
More about badges | Request a badge
Weather Watcher Badge
Weather Watchers consistently offer thought-provoking, timely comments on climates and forecasts.
More about badges | Request a badge
World Watcher Badge
World Watchers consistently offer thought-provoking, timely comments on international affairs.
More about badges | Request a badge
Post Contributor Badge
This commenter is a Washington Post contributor. Post contributors aren’t staff, but may write articles or columns. In some cases, contributors are sources or experts quoted in a story.
More about badges | Request a badge
Post Recommended
Washington Post reporters or editors recommend this comment or reader post.
You must be logged in to report a comment.
Sign in here
You must be logged in to recommend a comment.
Sign in here
Comments our editors find particularly useful or relevant are displayed in Top Comments​, as are comments by users with these badges: . Replies to those posts appear here, as well as posts by staff writers.
All comments are posted in the All Comments tab.
More about badges
Get a badge
To pause and restart automatic updates, click "Live" or "Paused". If paused, you'll be notified of the number of additional comments that have come in.

Comments our editors find particularly useful or relevant are displayed in Top Comments, as are comments by users with these badges: . Replies to those posts appear here, as well as posts by staff writers.
Carolyn Hax: Focus on the new beau and stop worrying about what the friends think
Carolyn Hax 
PBS science reporter Miles O’Brien has left arm amputated after accident
Paul Farhi 
Ben Affleck v. Seth Rogan: dueling Hill testimonies
D.C. area residents lend houses for film, TV shoots
Emily Yahr 
Miss Manners: Actor pursuing career wants to decline wedding role
Miss Manners 
Disastrous 'Bachelor' season continues as another woman walks out
Expert tips for choosing the right paint color
Jura Koncius 
Carolyn Hax: A new baby, a stressed mother and a grandmother’s tantrum
Carolyn Hax 
Destination Design: Capitol Hill
Jura Koncius 
'Scandal:' 5 questions as Season 3 returns
House Calls: Kid-free retreat for two
Margaret Ely 
Priscilla Presley heads to the Hill
After parents divorce, do kids need therapy?
Marguerite Kelly 
Cream and the crop: Healthful dairy choices
Barbara Damrosch 
Ben Affleck meets with John Kerry at State Department, reflects on 'Argo'
‘Prophets of Oak Ridge,’ and facility guard adjust to fallout of nuclear break-in
Dan Zak 
Indoor surfing workout SurfSet comes to area gyms
Vicky Hallett 
Grill Room in the Capella: A new luxury hotel’s restaurant starts to find a groove
Tom Sietsema 
This is not a map of "every state's favorite band"
Bono and wife grab lunch in Georgetown
The Post Most: Lifestyle
Post Newsletters & Alerts
Sign-up for e-mail newsletters and alerts and get the news you need delivered directly to your inbox.
 
  • Going Out Guide: Dinner & Drinks
  • Going Out Guide: With The Kids
  • At Home
  • DC Scout
  • Going Out Guide
  • Lean & Fit
  • Movies
  • Travel
See all Washington Post Newsletters
More ways to get us
Contact Us
About Us
Partners