Live Q&As;

If you insist. Aug. 15? That should give you all time to accrue some good stories.

This is absolutely heartbreaking, and not just because you're losing your mom in two ways, one of them unnecessary. It's heartbreaking because there's nothing you can do unless your father decides to allow it.

You're far away, you've asked for a reasonable thing, you've tried several ways of asking already, no doubt. Even if there were some legal instrument you could use, like elder-care watchdog groups, this isn't a serious enough issue to warrant outside intervention. Perhaps he's refusing to Skype in order to conceal one, but you can't know that, so given that possibility it makes sense to have someone local be your eyes for you, if possible. Otherwise you are stuck behind the wall of your father's control issues. I'm sorry.

The one possibility you might have, shameful as it is for me even to type, is if you're able to appeal to his vanities. Right now it satisfies his craving for power for him to deny you. If it instead satisfies his power cravings to grant you these Skype sessions, then I suspect he'd agree to them.

How about taking no calls and responding to no emails that contain such bullying? Some people in your position go so far as to ask a disinterested party, usually a very good friend, to screen the voice- and e-mails for you, so you're only exposed to the ones you need to see. 

Can't you just ignore her back? Think of it as subway privacy. You're so physically close your shirttails are touching, but you mind your own business don't engage. Not in an angry way, just in an I'm-just-living-my-life kind of way. 

It's weird, yes, but in the annals of weird generated by roommate situations, it doesn't even warrant a footnote.

If I glean correctly that this person is of no consequence to you now, then I think what you should do is refresh your drink and ask her if there have been any interesting developments in her life since you last spoke.

Unless these stories are no more interesting for being fictional. In that case, just say hihowaya!!! and keep walking.

Dunno. Is it bothering you, or is it fun? Window shopping can be anything from a lovely way to kill an afternoon to a soul-sucking exercise in always-behind-glass reminders of what you can't have--and the only difference from one extreme to the next is the attitude of the beholder.

You know the husband, yes? Well? If you have no reason to believe he's dangerous, then steal a moment to say:

"Your affairs are the talk of several offices. You're making a fool of my best friend. Tell her the truth or I will--because someone is going to, even if I don't."

The reason I make the point about possible danger is that, although most people color outside the lines because they have lousy self-control, a small percentage do it because they don't care about hurting other people. And so giving someone like that advance warning would be the equivalent to giving him a few days to figure out not how to fix things with his wife, but to neutralize the threat you pose.

If your gut says not to take that chance with him, then just talk to your friend about what you've been hearing. You actually said it very well here. You're right that I lean toward staying out of people's marriages, but you're no mere nosy bystander; you're a best friend. Plus, this is a particularly egregious situation with a high level of possible harm. 

Possible, thanks. In my experience with ALS, it and Alzheimer's were always talked about as the two illnesses that are hardest on the caregivers, and this caregiver (assuming he is that) is 87, an age at which people more often are on the receiving end of such help.

Yes, thanks, I read past the sibs.

I lerve that movie.

Have you ever asked her why she says X to you, but not her son? It's the kind of question, when asked in a gentle tone at a calm moment, that can leave someone stammering for an answer. And you absolutely have standing to ask it.

Something else: The way you're looking at this is orienting you, no doubt unwittingly, toward defensiveness. Just look at the number of times you justify your lifestyle choices in a short letter ... I count 5 or 6, depending on how I tally compound justifications. The thing is, if you want to play Xbox and eat Funyuns, that's no more anyone's business than your yoga and carrots are.

So please internalize that message and make it the launch pad for any response you have to your critics from now on, including such non-responses as hiding people on FB, which I suggest you employ liberally. That way, you'll be defending your right to make your own choices, vs the choices themselves. Much more effective, and empowering too.

Sounds like your warning system is working, then--you're admiring the art but a little alarm goes off when you try to take it off the wall. 

I like my metaphors shaken, not mixed.

And, too, you probably have enough painful experience to remind you to take things Very Very Slowly once you do decide to start dating again, if. It would make sense if you set the bar to it very high, in fact, and only dated someone you had already gotten to know in a non-romantic context. That preempts the problem of being fooled by packaging.

But if you're still not confident the alarm is loud enough to deter you, then do consider spending some time with a well-regarded therapist. Understanding how your mind works and why, particularly your impulses, is excellent insurance against repeating mistakes. Not perfect, but as good as possible.

And now, a wow. That's a turkey I'll never forget. I'm so sorry you and your kids had to deal with that.

No, because it was never your sister's business, even when they were young enough for you to guide their behavior.

"We'll live our lives, Sis, and you live yours. So what's new with you?" Don't give her any traction on things that aren't her business. You say you know she won't change, and that's probably true, but this is not about that; this is about -your- making a change. You're through being scolded, harassed, preached to. So remove yourself from it, quietly, firmly, consistently, and appropriately to the form of communication. Calls, you screen; emails, you ignore; rooms, you vacate. Etc. No rancor necessary, just a peaceful disappearance of her favorite target. 

That's just crazy talk.

You're right. Keep the list short, though and stick to matters of respect and civility--i.e., no mention of her blowing off the many overtures of friendship. They don't need to be friends, just functional cohabitants. Thanks.

Giving back. Self-care is important, but time and time again, studies and surveys and polls turn up the fact that it alone doesn't make people -happy.- Dedicating yourself to a purpose, on the other hand, even a small one, does. It doesn't have to be an overarching Purpose, though that can certainly help with your focus and planning. It can just be a commitment to make even one person's life a little bit better for each day you're on this earth. 

Figure out WHY you're ticked. I know you think you know, but you may not. 

You say he's "not accusing my dad of molesting anybody." So, the comparison had another basis--what was it? If in the awfulness of what your husband said, and in its timing, there was a grain of a legitimate complaint, then that needs to be acknowledged. And if you can acknowledge that, then you'll get (presumably) a much better hearing for your complaint about his poor taste and timing. 

 Your phrasing--"let whatever portion of it is about whatever else - personality conflict, masculinity, something - take its own course" suggest you're not even fully aware of what this is about. And that could be part of your husband's anger and frustration.

Short version, at least try to figure it out. After you cool off for a bit, I should say. Good luck.

When you're doing X (cutting the grass, cleaning the gutters, raking leaves, etc.), stop by to see if Alice would like you to X for her too, while you're at it. When you're cooking something that's easy to reheat, double the batch and bring one over to Alice. If you see Alice outside when you're on the way to the grocery store, ask if you can get a couple of things for her while you're there. Basically just assume a little bit of the load for her ...

But, this is important, make your offers specific. Almost no one feels comfortable responding to a general "If there's anything I can do ..." with something specific.

It's great that you're looking for ways to help. 

You say nothing of a job change. That's at the top of the list, no?

As for therapy in the meantime, since he said he's open to it, you can take the action of finding someone(s) and making an appointment. Say you're doing it--and that you're taking the liberty only because he said he was open to it. The hurdle of making an appointment can be very high even to someone not hanging by a very thin thread, as your husband apparently is. Taking this off someone's to-do list can be a gift.

Also, to the extent possible (and if you haven't already), try introducing stress relievers to your daily routine. An evening or nighttime walk, for example, or a weekly massage, or yoga for two, or finding a sliver of weekend time for something you know he loves. Play good music while he's home, if hes not sound sensitive. Whatever you can do.

Also, as needed, remind him of what you can't do, and of what it's not fair of him to do. While it's natural for him to bring stress home, punishing you on a daily basis for his unhappiness crosses a line. He needs to hear that from you, if he hasn't already, in a calm moment.

For some reason this choked me up, thank you.

Plus, you and the OP are welcome counterweights to the husband who stole Thanksgiving.

"Deserved" is such a loaded word. I'm sorry the end was painful for you, I'm glad you are at peace with the breakup, and I wish you a happier experience with whatever comes next. 

As for lunch, don't throw her son under any buses. I suggest the mantra, "Neither of us was ready for this." Explain, if further explanation is warranted, that you showed you weren't ready in your way, and he showed it in his, and it's too bad it came to this but (assuming this is true) you're not worried about your own future or his. Leave it at that.

Do thank her for being in your corner--that's so very very not a given, as this forum reminds us so often. Though, not for repeating to her, she does need to tone it down if and when her son starts to date again.

Interesting idea, thank you, since it bypasses the personal for the professional. I'm not sure, even rereading the letter, whether the husband is in the same firm or whether he just has a lot of, er, business there, but HR could still talk to wife, presumably.