With the 2013 VMAs now in our rear view, it’s time to take a thoughtful, considered look back at some of the evening’s high and low points. Miley Cyrus doing serious damage to her career with her Madonna-at-a-plushie-convention routine! Daft Punk acting like expressionless robots long after the idea ceased to be novel! Robin Thicke, with a big foam finger pointing at his privates, in case anybody wasn’t sure where they were! Oh, the times we had.
Some highlights:
Most necessary reinvention: Kanye West, who needed to be seen as a thoughtful artist after months of Kardashian-related PR shenanigans.
Least necessary reinvention: The beloved Moonman statue, who now has X’s for eyes, and looks chubbier, somehow.
Best foreshadowing: “I really wanted to win the Best Rap video,” admitted Macklemore, upon winning Best Video With a Social Message for “Same Love.” Then he did. Crazy!
People we’re pleasantly surprised to learn are still alive, part one: Lil’ Kim
People we’re pleasantly surprised to learn are still alive, part two: The other members of ‘N Sync
Most endearing doofuses: Macklemore and Ryan Lewis
Least endearing doofus: Robin Thicke, who seemed like one of those creepy old Times Square peepshow viewers during Miley’s performance. The ones that have newspapers folded on their laps.
Number of shots of Bruno Mars looking sad while wearing a fedora: One
Number of cuts to Miley’s mom, Tish Cyrus, looking strangely approving of her daughter’s awkwardly sexualized acting out: One
Reasons why her daughter’s awkwardly sexualized acting out suddenly starts to make a lot more sense: See above
Number of times the camera cut to Rihanna looking downcast, because being Rihanna is not that fun, sometimes: Lost count after four
Number of times the camera cut to One Direction looking bored and chewing gum while someone more talented was doing something worthwhile and artistic: So, so many. Ten, maybe?
Greatest dedication to her craft: Katy Perry, who wore the evening’s dorkiest outfit (an unflattering pair of boxing shorts, and braids), spit into a spit bucket (it was made of gold, you guys), and still managed to seem awesome in ways she previously had not.
Most inspiring display of selflessness, part one: Taylor Swift, who seemed to be happily singing along to every act onstage, and not in a showy way. Okay, maybe in a slightly showy way.
Most inspiring display of selflessness, part two: Justin Timberlake moving to the back during ‘N Sync’s number.
Least inspiring display of awards-show hijacking: Justin Timberlake, who let ‘N Sync perform for an entire minute before they silently disappeared. He then went onto perform for what seemed like another 47 hours.
