Gulliver

GULLIVER hates to be the bearer of bad news, but with the holiday highs behind us, it is time for a dose of sobering reality. Brace yourselves: for travellers in or through America, 2016 is likely to be worse than 2015. I say this for three reasons.

1. The full-body scan is no longer optional

Just when you weren’t paying attention during the holiday season, the Transportation Security Administration quietly announced a big policy change to one of its most hated practices. Until now, all passengers have had the right to opt out of the TSA’s full-body scans in American airports and instead submit to a pat-down by a security official.

IT MUST have been a harrowing experience being on board the Air Canada plane flying between Shanghai and Toronto on New Year’s Eve. The aircraft was forced to make an emergency landing after it hit some terrifying air turbulence over Alaska. Twenty-one passengers were taken to hospital, some after being thrown around the cabin like rag dolls. One passenger spoke of a sleeping girl “flying up” into the ceiling. It would only be human if, for those few minutes, a good number aboard the flight started to make their peace with God. But should air turbulence put the wind up flyers?

FACE it, pets and travel don't mix. The logistics of taking a pet on a trip can get very complex very quickly. First of all there are the legal complications. Earlier this year Johnny Depp was accused of smuggling his dogs past Australian quarantine, something for which his wife, Amber Heard, will face trial next year. But even on domestic trips not all airlines are happy to accommodate our furry friends. Pet friendly hotels, too, can be  in short supply. For business travellers the addition of meetings where animals (short of guide dogs) are unlikely to be welcome means that travelling with pets is a no-brainer.

FIRST they came for your legroom. Then they came for your bags, your meals, your refreshments, your entertainment. When will it all stop?

If one American congressman has his way, at the bathroom door.

No trend in aviation has progressed more steadily in recent years, or engendered more grumbling, than airlines slapping a price tag on everything that was once free. Reserving an exit-row seat was once a clever insider strategy; now it is a paid upgrade. Free checked bags were once the norm. Once that changed, people started trying to take only carry-ons. Now they must sometimes shell out for these too, or apply a dubiously expansive definition to “personal item”.

TO THE joy of newsites everywhere keen for something quirky to report over the Christmas period (mea culpa), last week Kuala Lumpur International Airport (KLIA) admitted that it could not trace the owners of three jumbo jets that had been parked on its tarmac for over a year. In a newspaper advert, the operators of the airport appealed for the owners of the “untraceable” 747s to come forward, otherwise it would sell them and use the proceeds to pay for the accrued parking charges and the like.

The mystery may have been solved. Swift Air Cargo, a Malaysian carrier, has claimed ownership of the aircraft.

ONE of Gulliver's favourite tales of the excesses of modern footballers was that of Jermaine Pennant, an average but lavishly remunerated player at Real Zaragoza in Spain. Mr Pennant once drove his expensive Porsche to a station to catch a train. He then promptly forgot that he owned said vehicle and left it in the car park for five months. When he was finally traced, he reportedly said he had no recollection that it belonged to him. It is easy to scoff, but anyone who has owned an old banger will also have felt the temptation to park it on a street quietly and walk away forever, rather than go through the rigamarole of declaring it off the road.

AIRLINE passengers in the West are spoiled. For all our complaining about poor customer service and stingy legroom—grumbles that Gulliver is only too happy to partake in—we live in the golden age of affordable, accessible flying. If Ireland's Ryanair wants to launch an obscure route between Latvia and Slovenia, it is free to do so. The need to schmooze foreign officials and navigate a forest of red tape has been systematically eroded by decades of pan-European liberalisation. In this fully deregulated environment, passengers reap the spoils with cheap airfares. Not so elsewhere in the world. Especially not so in Africa.