I promise never to say anything bad about you to anyone, ever, although I can’t promise not to roll my eyes, make finger-down-my-throat motions, or mime choking myself to death.
I agree never to reveal anything about your finances, except for all the money you owe me for movie tickets I purchased online for both of us, which you somehow forgot all about reimbursing me for, or brushed off by insisting, ‘I’ll get them next time.’
I will refuse to add devil horns, a disfiguring mustache, or a crudely drawn facial penis to any photo of you, unless I’m really bored at the office or whatever.
When a prospective employer of yours contacts me as a reference, I will never make a spit-take sound, inquire about mandatory drug testing, or congratulate said employer on 'not believing the Internet.’
The Five Passive-Aggressiveness Patois
• Responding “No worries!” to a flaky friend and then resenting him for the next eight years
• Using a smiley face in a text argument
• Brooding silently after two Scrabble losses in a row
•Placing a sticky-note reminder on any major kitchen appliance
• Sighing pointedly