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A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
Hair we go again. Sorry, Paper Monitor couldn't resist.
Yes, it's another hair story, and yes, there's a picture of Jennifer Aniston.
This time, however, the Daily Mail reports that the Friends star has finally fallen out of favour. At least, her hairstyle has anyway.
It says a survey on the best onscreen hairstyles reveals her locks are no longer the most influential.
"Sorry, Jen... Anne's top of the crops," is its headline, revealing that Anne Hathaway's crowning glory has outshone the competition.
The elfin cut was first sported in the 2011 adaptation of David Nicholls's hit novel One Day. But it was her Oscar-winning turn in Les Miserables, as Fantine, which saw her cut it off for an extended period.
The actress was said to be "inconsolable" after the chop so it's quite a turnaround.
For those interested in which other celebrities made the cut, Miss Aniston's long curly style in Along Came Polly was in second place. And Audrey Hepburn's "up do" from 1963 film Charade in third.
Considering what a superlative conductor of electricity gold is, I do believe that Datta Phuge has become the world's most expensive lightning rod.
roarshock, Oregon, USA
I just want to clear up any confusion regarding this story "Narrow Swindon alleyway painted with double yellow lines". This is an art installation and is a project on my media studies course. I'll get my paint brush.
Graham, Hayle, Cornwall
Andrew, Malvern, I knew I should have closed the curtains when the car drove past. Now everyone knows the colours of my kitchenware!
Darren, Birmingham
Re: tobacco memories. My grandfather regularly fielding calls at his corner grocery asking "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"
Candace, New Jersey, US
Re: the story on Liberace. He was gay? Honestly? Well I would never have thought it. While the revelation floodgates have been opened - d'you have you any clues to the religious leanings of the Pope?
Ted Rodgers, Cheshire
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
There's crime stories. And then there's quirky crime stories.
The Daily Telegraph headline gives you a clue that this is a nice, light story about how crime doesn't pay.
"Happiness is... a burglar wasting three days for pouch of tobacco."
The ne'er-do-well spent three nights chiselling away at the wall of Medway Motorcycles in Rochester to make a hole big enough to squeeze into. Finally he breached the 2ft-thick wall. The high performance bikes were to be his. And then he realised he'd forgotten about the alarm.
"One false move towards the bikes would have sent the alarm ringing," the paper reports. "So the thief crept up to the first floor instead, looking for items to steal."
In the end he left with just a packet of rolling tobacco worth £3.
"When I got here the next morning the place was in a right state but all I can see he has nicked is my Golden Virginia," the owner says.
The proprietor's surname is Eastwood. If only he'd caught the burglar in the act.
Imagine the scene, burglar holding the Golden Virginia, Eastwood - first name Jez but we'll gloss over that - reaching for his pretend, concealed .44 Magnum: "You've got to ask yourself one question: Do I feel lucky? Well, do ya, punk?"
It took Paper Monitor a while to work out the happiness allusion of the headline.
A clue - it depends how many TV ads you remember from the 1980s that used Bach's Air on a G string to conjure up plumes of sensuous tobacco smoke. Answers to the usual place.
Vodafone making bird-brained decisions like usual.
Chris Malton, Southampton, UK
Re this story: It calls to mind Mario Balotelli's reply when police questioned why he had £5,000 in cash on his person - "Because I am rich".
AD, London
Streetview, Pot, Kettle, Black.
Andrew, Malvern, UK
A service highlighting the riches of the daily press.
The electronic Daily Telegraph is now behind a paywall. Paper Monitor has effected an old-school breach of that wall - buying a copy of the actual paper.
It's almost like going undercover. Reading an actual paper edition of a newspaper.
Page two has the gratifying news that Carol Vorderman's nose is better. She fell down and broke it. She did not have a nose job. That was speculation.
Page six reveals that cheats in school games are copying footballers. For clarity, in Telegraphland a common equation is footballers=bad.
But you have to wait until page 11 for the really serious news.
"Here's to you, Mrs Robinson. Why more 40-somethings are dating younger men".
That's the headline. And there's a massive picture of Helen McCrory. Massive.
The anchor on the same page is Catherine Deneuve saying flat shoes are sexier than "twisted" and impossible high heels.
Further on there's a leader. It quotes the Song of Solomon.
Oh, to wear one's erudition so lightly.
Snippets from the week's news, sliced, diced and processed for your convenience
1. Tears do not fall in space.
More details (Daily Telegraph)
2. Employees who install new web browsers on their computers perform better on average than those who use the default pre-installed browser that came with their machine.
More details (The Economist)
3. Methane eating micro-organisms carry out a deep clean of the oceans after an oil spill.
More details
4. Scientists are conducting searches for signs of extraterrestrial engineering.
More details (New Scientist)
5. The most popular place to hide valuables is a sock drawer.
More details (Daily Telegraph)
6. Fractions of virtual currency Bitcoin are known as satoshis.
More details (The Economist)
7. People in China hold "fake funerals" for themselves, so they can "enjoy" the day.
More details (Metro)
8. Steve Jobs and Steve Wozniak belonged to a group of hackers and hobbyists called the Homebrew Computer Club.
More details
9. Brains can be rendered transparent.
More details (Smithsonian Magazine)
10. Countries with the death penalty are now outnumbered by about five to one, by those who have abolished it.
More details (Guardian)
14:30 UK time, Thursday, 18 April 2013
