Welcome to the final Tweet of the Week poll. My deepest gratitude and thanks to all of you who have read the entries and/or voted in the last 7-plus years.
Instructions: Click the box next to each tweet that amuses you — no limit to the number of choices. Voting closes early this week — Friday at 11 a.m. Chicago time. Winner will published in the Sunday paper. Some tweets are lightly edited to remove profanity or improve punctuation, diction or clarity. If you see a plagiarized tweet, let me know via email — ericzorn@gmail.com — and send a link for evidence! I’ll change the attribution or make it “unknown” or attribute it to “various” sources. If your tweet is included and you’d rather it not be or you object to how I may have edited it, let me know and I’ll remove it as quickly as I can. If you know the Tweet is not original with you, email me and I’ll change the attribution. Some of the tweets are old, but if they’re new to me, then they qualify for inclusion. Answer order is randomized each time.
The poll is closed. Here are the finalists
Those folks who think telling me it’s a ‘family run business’ as a selling point have never met my family … @CynicalTherapi1
Next time you’re having an argument with your partner, why not suggest that they calm down? It won’t have occurred to them and they’ll appreciate the perspective … @govindajeggy
WORK TIP: If a coworker doesn’t answer your email in the first five minutes, show initiative by sending a follow up email saying, “What’s your problem?” …. @Home_Halfway
Yes, I enjoy eating fondue during Zoom meetings. Not sure why that makes me “fondue guy.”…@kipconlon
Investor: so it’s like a spoon going into a baby’s mouth? Orville Wright: But in the air, yes …. @TheAndrewNadeau
I just think it’s funny how you called me passive aggressive but whatever, I’m fine it’s totally fine … @EllaZee5
I rigged my kids’ Magic 8 Ball to say these choices: No / No way / Still no/ Yes! JK absolutely not / Go ask your father … @Marlebean
Now that I’ve actually heard your stupid thoughts I’d like my penny back …@MelvinofYork
Stupid bag exploded while I was trying to open it and there are Skittles everywhere and now everyone’s staring at me. I hate funerals …@deanjthompson
I hate how commercialized Amazon Prime Day has become … @markydoodoo
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If I were a knight, I would want no part of “shining armor.” I would want a matte black finish to my armor, a flat and durable coating that is slow to show the signs of the wear and tear that I am sure inevitably comes with knighthood. I woudn’t need all the razzle-dazzle. …@Contwixt
How is the witch who imprisoned children that were eating her house the bad guy of the story? … @ArtIsMyPorn
Do you ever think the computer asks if you’re a robot because it’s looking for a friend? … @riot4rach
When I was a kid, phone numbers only had seven digits, just like my shop class instructor … @MelvinofYork
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[waiting with friend for his test results] “I’m nervous.” “I’m sure you’re fine *sees two doctors playing rock paper scissors outside room* … @murrman5
I just discovered that the NordicTrack clothes rack in my house has a moving conveyer belt at the bottom. Who knew? … @RickAaron
If your kid eats the chocolate bunny’s feet first, “so it can’t get away,” that’s your future serial killer right there … @WilliamAder
I start my emails “Hello, I hope this email finds you in a well” and no one notices ….@panmidwest
The five stages of climate change: 1. Denial. 2. Guilt. 3. Depression. 4. Acceptance. 5. Drowning …. @TheTweetOfGod
And here is the winner:
When you don’t want to teach kids about slavery but want to preserve Confederate monuments, that’s called hypocritical race theory … @OhNoSheTwitnt
https://secure.polldaddy.com/p/10864216.js
Which of these top 20 tweets do you find amusing? (Multiple selections encouraged)
Twitter @EricZorn
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