When I Was Using Allen’s Computer, I Changed Some of the Talking Points in His Work Speech.

I want to welcome all departments of our company to this year’s Consolidated Summit. This time last year we were a company with a lot of unanswered questions about how the landscape was changing in America, and about how some of America’s biggest brands might decide to navigate that new landscape. Well, if we’ve learned anything in the recent past it’s I’m always willing to make love all over you.

We used to say we’re working hard. Today I like to say that we’re working passionately. As we continue to strengthen relationships with clients, we’re doing more than protecting the coming year’s profits—we’re nurturing the relationships that have kept us not only passionate about what we do, but relationships that have allowed us to remain creative and innovative. I’m passionate about the future and I’m loco and I’m a wolf full of shit.

I believe strongly that what happens to our neighbor’s business affects our business as well. There are some in our industry who believe that, say, the newspaper industry’s current challenges, don’t affect any of us. Make no mistake: as media goes, so goes our industry. And so goes the manufacturing of packaged goods like alien candy. It’s like a lady with an invisible hammer. Or ghost ships. Look at me, I’m Allen.

As most of you know, we’ve modified our new business strategy in reply to the increased scrutiny from today’s consumer. But even these modifications aren’t carved in stone—our company’s architecture and culture remain flexible enough to accommodate Black Darryl and Switchblade Jim, my friends from jail who make hashish and sex movies.

While I may be offering closing remarks at this year’s summit, I want to be clear that there is nothing at all closed about the transformation we’re undergoing—I want to be clear that it’s an ongoing process, not a hard and formed solution. I want to be clear that this isn’t the first time in the history of America’s economy that we’ve been tried and it’s a powerful pelvic shift, baby, it’s a beautiful sky on fire, so join me in a prayer because I’m getting aroused.