Evan Allgood
My Evening with Flaco the Owl
He asked who I thought was more famous—him or Pizza Rat. I told him that Pizza Rat was probably long dead by now, and Flaco smiled.
Diary of a Patient Suffering from the Woke-Mind Virus
My condition is deteriorating rapidly. This afternoon, I was updating my LinkedIn profile. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I added my pronouns.
Herodotus’ Other Lies
The real reason Xerxes wanted to conquer Greece, what actually befell the messenger at Marathon, and more.
Signs That You’re Not Ready to Become a Spy
Your pants are really swishy, Martinis make you gassy, and you have trouble remembering if the U.S. is the good guy or the bad guy.
The Medical-Marvel Cinematic Universe
Morning Glory, Love Sage, the Adjusted One, and other heroic freaks of nature.
Magical Items to Aid Your Social Reëntry
Bracers for Self-Esteem, a Bag of Holding Conversation, a Helm of Human Expression, and more.
The Eight People You Meet on Slack
The Channel Anarchist, the GIF Monster, the Idea Pirate, and other common Slack personas.
Conservatives Recast in Classic Video Games
Introducing Mike and Karen Pence in Maternal Kombat—and more right-of-center figures in starring roles.
Excerpts from Poseidon’s Boat Blog
Thanks for reading, but don’t correct my grammar, lest I strike ye down in a whirling rage with briny bilge and orca innards!
Joe Biden’s America
Not to be alarmist, but, if Biden wins, you have to marry your dog.
Rejected Animal Crossing Villagers
Meet Grizz the Conspiracy-Theorist Grizzly, Ryan the Red Panda Who Has a Podcast, and many more lovable critters.
C.D.C. Guidelines for Persuading Your Boomer Parents to Stay Home
Rig their front door so that if they open it the Keurig craps out, build a V.R. headset equipped with an experience of driving to the dump, and other strategies.
The Best Business Advice You’ll Ever Get
Content is king. Design is queen. Competitive research is knave. S.E.O. is, like, some sort of lord?
Writer’s Envy Applied to Other Professions
“My childhood was way too healthy for me to make it as a psychologist.”
The Six Remotes in Your Dad’s Entertainment Center
Lil Beep, the Gray Ghost, the Missing Link, and other relics from the past.
How Various Government Agencies Celebrated the End of the Shutdown
The Federal Aviation Administration directed unwitting pilots to do a bunch of fun loop-de-loops.
New York Subway Mythology
Mollify the Furies by keeping your eyes, hands, legs, other extremities, and opinions to yourself.
Pet-Peeve Erotica: “The All-Nighter”
Caroline seductively dropped her soy-saucy Styrofoam container into the recycling bin, where it did not belong.
My Evening with Flaco the Owl
He asked who I thought was more famous—him or Pizza Rat. I told him that Pizza Rat was probably long dead by now, and Flaco smiled.
Diary of a Patient Suffering from the Woke-Mind Virus
My condition is deteriorating rapidly. This afternoon, I was updating my LinkedIn profile. I can’t believe I’m writing this, but I added my pronouns.
Herodotus’ Other Lies
The real reason Xerxes wanted to conquer Greece, what actually befell the messenger at Marathon, and more.
Signs That You’re Not Ready to Become a Spy
Your pants are really swishy, Martinis make you gassy, and you have trouble remembering if the U.S. is the good guy or the bad guy.
The Medical-Marvel Cinematic Universe
Morning Glory, Love Sage, the Adjusted One, and other heroic freaks of nature.
Magical Items to Aid Your Social Reëntry
Bracers for Self-Esteem, a Bag of Holding Conversation, a Helm of Human Expression, and more.
The Eight People You Meet on Slack
The Channel Anarchist, the GIF Monster, the Idea Pirate, and other common Slack personas.
Conservatives Recast in Classic Video Games
Introducing Mike and Karen Pence in Maternal Kombat—and more right-of-center figures in starring roles.
Excerpts from Poseidon’s Boat Blog
Thanks for reading, but don’t correct my grammar, lest I strike ye down in a whirling rage with briny bilge and orca innards!
Joe Biden’s America
Not to be alarmist, but, if Biden wins, you have to marry your dog.
Rejected Animal Crossing Villagers
Meet Grizz the Conspiracy-Theorist Grizzly, Ryan the Red Panda Who Has a Podcast, and many more lovable critters.
C.D.C. Guidelines for Persuading Your Boomer Parents to Stay Home
Rig their front door so that if they open it the Keurig craps out, build a V.R. headset equipped with an experience of driving to the dump, and other strategies.
The Best Business Advice You’ll Ever Get
Content is king. Design is queen. Competitive research is knave. S.E.O. is, like, some sort of lord?
Writer’s Envy Applied to Other Professions
“My childhood was way too healthy for me to make it as a psychologist.”
The Six Remotes in Your Dad’s Entertainment Center
Lil Beep, the Gray Ghost, the Missing Link, and other relics from the past.
How Various Government Agencies Celebrated the End of the Shutdown
The Federal Aviation Administration directed unwitting pilots to do a bunch of fun loop-de-loops.
New York Subway Mythology
Mollify the Furies by keeping your eyes, hands, legs, other extremities, and opinions to yourself.
Pet-Peeve Erotica: “The All-Nighter”
Caroline seductively dropped her soy-saucy Styrofoam container into the recycling bin, where it did not belong.