Shouts & Murmurs
Anthropology of the Playground
Once you start visiting the playground daily, you will become familiar with the regulars.
Recommendations from the Guy Who Works at Your Local Dispensary
Turpentine Gelato, Fiscal Daydream, and . . . what was the question again?
Ideas for the New York City Officials Implementing Rat Birth Control
Encourage male rats to recount the plots of “Dune” and “Dune: Part Two” on first dates.
How I Use the Internet, According to Nineties Action Movies
I pull up a digitized photo on the screen. Leaning in, I drag a bright-green box around a detail in the image, type rapidly for a full fifteen seconds, and then softly say, “Enhance.”
Stories from the Trump Bible
And Jesus said to Pontius Pilate, “This trial is very unfair. You are a corrupt judge, and your wife is a very nasty woman.”
Overheard in New York: Waiting for the Eclipse at the Brooklyn Botanic Garden
“She’s a flat-earther.”
U.F.C. Fighter on How to Protect Yourself from Being Swept Off Your Feet
The Eye Gouge: The eye gouge prevents love at first sight by ending their sight. This is why the Three Stooges never got laid.
I Can’t Stop Calling the National Guard
I called the National Guard when I overbaked my brownies and my smoke alarm went off; I called the National Guard when I underbaked my brownies and I was worried they might make me sick.
Old-Fashioned Know-How
Kids today! You ever fought a forest fire that you yourself started? You ever had thirteen kids by seventeen different women?
Depressing! You Cumulatively Spend Three Days a Year Playing a Game You Enjoy
Just think about how many better ways you could be spending that time—like by doing something you hate.