YOUR CHECKOUT TOTAL: $32.00
Thanks for shopping with us! Not ready to pay in full for this penguin-shaped USB humidifier? Buy now, pay later, with one of our many interest-free payment plans!
Pay in two monthly installments of $16.00.
Pay in six monthly installments of $5.33333.
Pay $0.00000056 every month until the heat death of the universe. (Most popular!)
Give us $10,000.00 and we’ll use it to pay the $32.00, and then we’ll give the difference back to you in random installments. (Least popular!)
Buy now and pay three years later, after you’ve accidentally missed thirty-four monthly payments and tanked your credit score to a level that excludes you from all rental markets besides FurnishedWalkInFreezers.com.
Take advantage of our thrilling once-in-a-lifetime rebate program, which involves completing a barbed-wire obstacle course and diving to the bottom of the sea, where you will hopefully find sunken treasure and repay us with it!
If you eat this entire seventy-two-ounce steak in one sitting, it’s free! (The steak, not the humidifier. You still have to pay for that. This is an add-on.)
Buy now, pay never. Pass the burden on to your wretched descendants.
Pay nothing, but every time you find a really cool rock you have to send it to us on the off chance that it’s a valuable geode.
If you could tell us where the lost ransom of D. B. Cooper is, that’d be doing us a huge solid. Even just a tip that could get us headed on the right path. “Northwest,” for example, or “thataway.”
Pay us in a jaunty tune or a trail-weathered story, cowboy.
Spend a single night in the haunted mansion atop Debtor’s Hill! Beware of ghosts, and excessive warranty offers!
Register for an easy six-month payment plan on our app. To apply, simply download the app and wait for your confirmation code. Write that code on a slip of paper, and then eat it. The paper will become painfully lodged in your large intestine, at which point you’ll need to travel to the West Idaho Center for Gastric Medicine. (The center, open seasonally, is accessible only by burro.) Once you’ve arrived, ask for Dr. Foot. Do not ask for a foot doctor. Dr. Foot will operate, extracting the confirmation code, placing it in a tin cup, and using an elaborate pulley system to send the cup across the alley to a skywriter’s bedroom window. Weather permitting, the skywriter will take to the skies, spelling out the confirmation code in smoke. At that point, our representatives will finalize your payment-plan registration. There will be interest, and it will be significant. But what a thrill!
Our fairest option: a literal game of roulette! If you win, no charge—but if you lose there’s a hefty late fee. If you can’t pay the full late fee up front, we have several options for you. . . . ♦
