Someone nabs your parking spot. Someone at the gym steals your water bottle. Someone cuts you in line for the bathroom at the bar. When these things happen, don’t let rage control you. Take the high road. Pick your battles. Find a new parking spot; get a new water bottle; piss yourself. Do you really think that confronting these people will make you feel better, especially considering that all of these people are me?
Choose which battles are worth your energy. It’s O.K. to feel annoyed when your friend brings someone you hate to your birthday party—especially if that person is me, and especially if I’ve spent most of the party punching all the buttons on your smart fridge. But don’t ruin your evening by letting negative feelings win. Instead, why not get to know me? For example, two things about me that you should know are that I love shoving my fingers into birthday cakes, and that I will never, ever stop spreading rumors about you. Am I really the person you want to fight? Why not fight Ethan? He’s the only one who actually believed me when I told him that your birthday wish was for everyone to take one expensive thing from your home. Fight him. Ruin him. Push him into the coffee table. Wouldn’t that be fun? Do you want to borrow my Taser? Do you want me to play the air-horn sound effect on my phone? No? Whoops, I already started it and I can’t figure out how to turn it off. Also, how much did that lamp cost? Is it ugly on purpose?
Before jumping into a fight, consider the other party’s perspective. It is so, so annoying when someone you’re talking to is on their phone. But does it really feel appropriate to yell at me when I’m texting, and also trying to steal your car? Just roll with the punches, like I did when I pummelled through your car window after failing to pick the lock. Be understanding. If you had asked, you’d know that I’m texting my friend Rocco because I only just realized that I have no plan for turning on the engine. I figured Rocco would know what to do, but he’s mad because I “only text him when I need something,” and it’s, like, O.K.? Why is this coming up now, right when I need something? Plus, Rocco’s boring. All he does is work on his patent for some groundbreaking farming technique to reverse climate change that NPR keeps talking about. I mean, I’m the one who has shards of glass in her knuckles, and I’m an empath, so I feel double hurt for myself. Triple, actually, now that you’re lunging at my neck. Ow!
Do not engage in battles that will waste your time. Someone in your office left the coffee grounds in the coffee-maker again, and also I’m sitting at your desk, dressed head to toe in your clothes (except for shoes—I never really wear the “bra of the feet”), and sending phishing e-mails to grandmas worldwide. Fight the obvious battle here: find the coffee-grinds slob. You know that, if you start a witch hunt to figure out who did it, eventually someone will fess up, whereas it will take you forever to persuade me not to steal your identity. Is it really a big deal that I’m using your computer to Google “disable security cameras” and “how to trespass” and “yogurt balls do they still make those”? In the long term, none of this will matter, since it’s in the short term that I’m planning on framing you for crimes. Before you waste your time going to H.R., remember that they cannot tell two Indian American women apart. Ugh, racism in the workplace, am I right? Also, what are the last four digits of your Social? Just wondering.
Accept that some days just won’t be your day. Your stomach feels bad, you left the house too late, and now you’re not going to get to Pilates on time. And the bus smells extra weird. A passenger putting a bag down on the seat next to them is a pet peeve, but don’t let that distract you from the fact that I have hijacked the bus. On the bright side, we’re going to the zoo!
Only fight the battles that you believe you will win. You could help me kidnap these swans, or you could hang out at the zoo alone, in the dark, which is, like, weirdo behavior. Are you a weirdo, or are you gonna help me kidnap?
Remember that there will be even more battles down the road. You’re having a bad time at the zoo right now, but challenges in your personal and professional life are also on the horizon, along with any challenges you may face from being prominently featured in my detailed confession. Don’t worry—Timothée Chalamet and the Real Housewives of Salt Lake City are implicated in there, too, so you’re in good company.
Sometimes, it’s hard not to fight every single battle, especially when we don’t have a lot of time before the cops get here. Have you considered meditating?