How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Danny DeVito Edition

[twinkly music]

Hi, I'm Danny Devito, I'm doing the New Yorker

cartoon caption contest.

Okay, this guy looks like a Charles Dickens' version

of Saint Peter and this guy down here making his way

into the, doesn't look exactly

like very inviting Pearly Gates.

Okay, I know you're trying to keep people out,

but if you find my hat let me know.

[excited drumbeats]

This is why they do this and I don't.

Okay, go ahead.

What's next?

All right so we're looking at a coffin,

and two people are discussing a dead person.

And there's like this sickle thing coming out.

[mellow jazz music]

It says the old fart did enough damage,

finally he's dead.

Let's go celebrate. [chuckles]

There ya go.

Anyway, he's dead.

Shut the coffin and let's go home.

[excited drumbeats]

Why am I so afraid of getting a paper cut here?

[Woman] Because it hurts!

It really does hurt.

Have you had any lately?

No. No, okay good.

Okay I'm looking at two people in bed,

and they've got some kind of helmets on.

Okay, can I be dirty?

Yeah.

[mellow jazz music]

I want to add one for it in the front.

Okay.

Baby, Chernobyl really has fucked over our sex life.

It's like hard to do because you can't see it

but the protective suits go all the way down

to the genitalia.

[excited drumbeats]

Now, what am I seeing?

These guys are standing in front of these shapes

that could be construed as a couple things.

I mean, they look like urinals, right?

I chose something else.

And this guy looks like he might in the superhero

business and who the hell knows about the other guy.

But anyway, it says I piss on gravestones all the time,

but I'm a superhero, what's your excuse?

[excited drumbeats]

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

She attacked me

with the paper. That was close.

I swear to God.

So I'm looking at a guy in a white coat

and a guy in a rat suit making notations,

looking at a bunch of rats in a cage.

Okay.

The blenders are broken.

What do we do with the excess rodents?

Sandwiches?

[excited drumbeats]

A nice rodent smoothie is really good, you know?

With a little roach sauce thrown on the top.

Me, I have to be from New York to understand this one.

Okay.

Oh, this is a good one.

Oh my god.

Okay, so I'm looking at four parrots

at a table, one of 'em is talking.

This guy looks really worried.

[mellow jazz music]

I got more.

[woman laughs]

I ran out of paper, but I remember what I said.

You guilty on of a bitch.

We're gonna rip your head off and put it on the wall

with the other traitor parrots.

Asshole traitor parrots.

These are all traitor parrots and that's what they do.

They're not really pictures, they're their heads.

Actual heads on the wall.

Bastards.

[excited drumbeats]

Ah.

Holy Toledo.

We've got a rooster and a duck.

[mellow jazz music]

Okay.

I'm sorry.

Everybody knows it's a dysfunctional family.

Let's fuck our feathers off before mom and dad gets home.

[woman laughs]

Let's go.

Let's do it right now.

[excited drumbeats]

It's a jail, obviously.

There's two guys and it looks like a girl in the middle.

There's a guy with his hand in his pocket,

looks like the CEO of the prison.

Okay.

[mellow jazz music]

It's ain't goin' down.

Okay, this is like a boring one, I'm sorry, it's me,

it's not the picture, the picture is great.

Productivity is in the shitter.

One by one you're doing down.

Alright.

No.

That's not a good one.

Okay, let's move on.

[excited drumbeats]

Oh.

Well, we're in bed with a looks like a guy with antlers.

And a lot of hair.

And he's reading, some newspaper, I can't read it.

Does it have words on it?

No. No.

Okay.

All right.

[mellow jazz music]

Okay, it says here that there are side effects

and if the hair stays the boner stays.

[people laugh]

I actually didn't see his other foot.

Okay.

[people laugh]

[repeated drumbeats]

Oh that is, that is good.

Again, once again we're up in a beautiful high rise

somewhere in Manhattan with the one percent.

This guy's really huffy.

Look at the, like a whole boardroom full of people,

but they're not bored obviously,

they're having a good time.

[mellow jazz music]

[laughs]

Okay, if I can read my writing.

Okay.

Me and Harry are snapping up Mildred and Florence

so I guess it's you, Joe and Pete again.

You see, that's Mildred and Florence,

and that's Harry.

And then so, it's him and Joe and Pete don't have mates

so they have to do it.

And by the way, there's acid in the punch.

[excited drumbeats]

Hi, I'm Danny Devito,

and this was a cartoon caption contest,

where there are no winners, only shitty jokes.

[people laugh]