How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Kumail Nanjiani & Dave Bautista Edition

[bells chiming]

I'm Kumail Nanjiani.

And I'm Dave Bautista.

From the movie Stuber.

Stuber.

And we are doing The New Yorker cartoon caption contest.

I know you're the head of the company but,

[Dave laughs]

But I'm the one in charge.

You're sitting at the head of the table.

[Kumail laughs]

Talking heads [hums].

Congratulations, you're the new

head of the company [laughs].

Congratulations, you're the new head of the company.

Congratulations.

He doesn't seem happy to be getting the job.

No.

Congratulations.

[drums set plays]

[Kumail] So we a woman with--

Having a good time, this looks like fun to me.

We really need to talk about the finger

on your bedside table.

The what?

The finger.

There's like a finger there for no reason.

[Dave] That does look like,

looks like a thumb. Looks like somebody's

finger, yeah [laughs].

First when I saw that,

it reminded me of Mantis.

Uh huh, yeah.

I see that.

Do you think I'm ugly?

[laughs] We need to talk about the finger.

We need to talk about the finger.

Tennis racket.

We need to talk about the finger on your bedside table.

[drum set plays]

It's like a Frankenstein situation.

Frankenstein's monster.

Yeah.

Frankenstein.

Frankenstein's butler.

Have you seen Batman?

'Cause he looks like Alfred.

Alfred.

Have you...

[Dave laughs]

There we go.

[drum set plays]

All right, so this is the first one.

Could it be something like,

Now here's a remote control you can actually surf on.

I think this is a remote control

that controls the whole house.

[both laugh]

Bigger the better.

The bigger the better?

Okay, let's do that. [Dave laughs]

The bigger the...

All right, okay.

[drum set plays]

So it's cavemen eating wheels?

Reinvent the donut? I was thinking

reinvent the donut.

Reinvent the donut.

There has to be a better use for these.

Maybe they've invented wheels but they're

eating them instead. They're eating the

wheels [laughs].

There has to be a better use for these.

There has to be a better use for these.

[drum set plays]

Look at those eyes.

Is that a plunger?

Yeah, I did something bad in your bathroom

but then I fixed it.

[Dave laughs]

Do you have anything?

No I was thinking more along the other lines.

Like he feels horrible for what he did,

and that's like the fairy godmother

that's coming to fix it and she's like don't feel bad.

[Kumail laughs]

I'll fix it for you.

Like she fixed his toilet?

What the hell is that?

[Kumail] Moonshine?

I'm gonna fix your toilet and then it's party time.

[Kumail laughs]

He likes her? [Dave laughs]

He likes her?

First I'll fix the toilet, then

party time. Party time.

[drum set plays]

Looks like somebody in a courtroom defending Death.

How 'bout just a suit next time?

Right [laughs].

I know the outfit is your branding,

but it's really bad for optics.

I know the clothes are part of your branding,

but it's really bad for optics.

[drum set plays]

I don't know about you guys,

but I think we might have

won whatever contest we were just in.

It was The New Yorker cartoon caption contest.

Winner winner, chicken dinner.

Yeah Boom.