How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Jim Gaffigan Edition

Hi, my name is Jim Gaffigan.

They've asked me to write captions for New Yorker cartoons.

Anyway, let's get right to disappointing you.

Okay, so this is obviously God talking to his therapist,

and he's like...

Oh, I think the line is like, why do I,

why do I always have to do the forgiving?

All right, so here's a bar scene.

We see a train engine that looks like

it's very disappointed, drinking a beer and a shot.

It turns out I couldn't.

Turns out I couldn't!

I just couldn't!

Everyone wanted me to succeed, but I couldn't!

Okay?

Another round.

Alcohol is the answer that's...

Okay, so this is a couple looking at Earth.

I would think this is the moon 'cause there's cheese.

And there's a subway stop.

And they're kind of like, oh.

I heard they have subways on Earth now too.

We always kind of look at other places

and we imagine that they wanna be us.

Okay, obviously, this is about a couple fishing.

She looks like she's in something relatively seductive.

You said you were up for role-playing.

By the way, from the side, I probably look fat,

but this is prosthetic, so...

All right, so this is an upside down car,

street corner, two miserable New Yorkers.

It looks like the stores are boarded up.

I still believe in trickle-down economics.

Is that spelled right?

I don't know.

I probably have a learning disability, so don't judge me.

Okay, so this is, I would imagine a relationship

of a man and a woman, and they're dividing the room.

But, of course, it's brick.

I don't know how he's gonna get out.

It's like a divorce.

Look, divorce is too expensive.

Hope it's okay that I took the TV.

There's also...

Carol, I told you I never wanna see you again.

Okay, we've got the devil and the angel,

and we've got a car accident.

It was an accident?

Now you're gonna tell me you don't have insurance.

All right, so this is a bullfighter and a bull dancing.

Obviously, we live in this day and age

where the progressive movement is helping

and being mindful and sensitive,

and we're kind of evolving as humans

in thought and behavior,

so there is an opportunity to make fun of that.

They're dancing, so one of the lines could be like,

they're gonna be angry people, but, no, PETA.

We could throw in a pun.

That's bull!

No, PETA said I could lead.

I guess that would be a comma, then.

So this is a horse on a desert island surrounded by water.

You think of also famous sayings.

One that comes to mind is:

You can lead a horse to water,

but you can't make them drink.

You sure you're not thirsty?

It's fun, they're kind of like puzzles,

but there's no correct answer.

Thank you, thank you.