How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Jon Hamm Edition

I'm Jon Hamm and I'm here to caption

some New Yorker cartoons.

The fun thing about New Yorker captions

is they don't have to make sense or even be funny.

They just have to kind of exist

in their own, weird world,

and it's really about the pictures, I find.

I don't even wanna see.

I know the captions just gonna be,

Harold, you son of a bitch.

See?

Kinda works.

This is a bunch of birds.

They look like parrots.

They are clearly sitting on a table

discussing something.

That's Harold and this guy's made at him.

Harold, you sonovabitch.

(drums clashing)

Ooh, okay, two things are happening here

at a very high rate of speed.

This is a planet.

I'm not gonna assume that's earth.

Not for me the judge.

These guys are skydiving

and they're going down 'cause these are down lines

and these guys are like, wow, they're dancers.

I think that these are a little more prepared

for what's about to happen,

which is, they're descending rapidly.

They have parachutes on.

These guys have danced their way

into a whole lot of trouble.

(lively piano music)

Modern dance is very dangerous.

(drum crashing)

Classic situation.

At the airport.

When is his flight taking off?

Here's the issue.

What's up with Wright Brothers guys?

And only two seats (laughs).

This gentleman is trying to explain to him

that the flight has been oversold.

So the guy is saying,

The good news

You've been upgraded.

The bad news?

It's 1912.

(drum crashing)

We have an empaneled group of

could be senators, could be judges.

This is looking very judge-y.

I'm seeing robes, so he was just asked a question

and I think he's responding.

He looks like he knows what's up.

He's just been asked by this other onlooker

what the score is and he's like,

The score?

Row 12, Wade 14.

It's Row versus Wade.

It's timely.

(lively piano music)

(drum crashing)

All right now, this is a classic New Yorker move.

Couple in bed.

Pillow talk, they used to call it.

Homeboy can't let it go.

Seems to be some sort of work or public speaking

situation and it doesn't seem like

his lady friend is so into that.

I just think she went really real with this guy

and she's just like, I fucking hate you.

Don't bring your podium into the marital bed.

(drum crashing)

Who among us

doesn't recognize this scenario?

Doc's giving him a look-see.

HR was like, Clark, you gotta get your

physical or you're not gonna qualify for the HMO.

You gotta do it.

And then he's like, I'm Superman,

I don't need this stuff.

I have a fortress of solitude.

It's made out of crystal and glass

and it's in the North Pole.

Anything bad happens, I can fly around the Earth

and spin it backwards and go back in time.

I don't care.

Also, I'm Superman, my heart's fine.

I think what he's probably saying, though,

'cause he doesn't seem concerned,

so it's clearly just a little check up.

She's just straight forward with him

and he's like, you know what, Clark,

your heart is super, man.

(drum crashing)

Okay so we're in a board room.

The window guys are kinda peeping in on this board meeting.

I think the boss is speaking

'cause he's sitting at the head of the table

and everybody seems to be paying attention to this guy

and the window washer saw it.

This is my go-to every time

'cause it almost always works for everything.

(light piano music)

Who farted?

(drum crashing)

These are harder than they seem!

(laughs)

I mean, I'm gonna guess we're in a tropical location

but it could be, I don't know,

this could be St. Louis, my home town.

I don't know, it's just a nice pool.

Bunch of pool goers, homeboy, girl in a bikini.

Guess what?

What's buffalo doing?

Cannonball.

Classic buffalo move.

It's never easy to end on a good one

so this is the caption is that

things got weird when they filled the pool with ranch

because he's a buffalo and he's dipping himself

in ranch.

(drum crashing)

I found it a lot harder than I thought it would be

so think about that next time you

make fun of

the erudite New Yorker cartoons.

A lot of work goes into it.

Be kind.

(light piano music)