How to Write a New Yorker Cartoon Caption: Nick Offerman Edition

(bell ringing)

Hello, my name is Nick Offerman

and this is my interview

for the position of caption writer

for the New Yorker cartoons.

Here we have a couple of human observers

with a clip board and a camera

seeing three what appear to be alien figures

exiting a toaster.

The toast has come up

we can see that the toast has been pleasantly toasted.

And so clearly the caption

for this cartoon should be

ah,

Alex Jones

can suck it.

(drum roll blasting)

And I think I got the job.

Alright you can see the Chrysler building.

So that's the Brooklyn Bridge.

I'm guessing that's Great Cthulhu.

These tolls are ridick,

is my first option.

The second option is

Chris Christie is way out of his lane.

(drum roll blasting)

Okay here's what's going on here.

We have what seems to be like an MRI machine

but also there's a priest in sort of

a confessional setting.

Thanks Obama.

(drum roll blasting)

That's sort of evocative of

a therapy set up.

But I don't think it is.

There's no clip board.

Ah judging from the sunlight,

it's about 3:45 in the afternoon.

It's pretty clean, I'm gonna go Upper Eastside,

74th and Park.

Also based on this foot wear.

That's a Jimmy Choo flat.

It's over Jeff.

(drum roll blasting)

Alright another therapist.

Were these chosen specifically for me

and what are you trying to say to me?

I have a pretty balanced disposition.

Alright, we have a football team

okay we're in a huddle.

Working on a play and the therapist is there.

Yeah.

He'll go deep.

(drum roll blasting)

Clearly a therapist who has been

off work and baking cookies.

Lady unkempt, shot gun,

zombies.

I hope nobody has a nut allergy.

(drum roll blasting)

Alright so maybe I need

to talk to somebody.

Therapist, gentleman riddled with arrows.

Presumably shot by cupid,

who doesn't look happy.

Why can't I just

Netflix and chill?

(drum roll blasting)

We have a dugout.

The great character actor James Gammon oh,

is wearing high heels.

That could have snuck by me.

Dolce and Gabbana are killing it this fall.

(drum roll blasting)

This image makes me want to talk to a therapist.

A pasture, I'm guessing that's an elm tree

from the shape of the foliage.

A cow with a bell.

Five teats on her udder.

One, two, three, four, five swords.

Got a hunchback,

five swords, five teats, and an elm tree.

Thank you, Obama.

(drum roll blasting)

The one I'm gonna be known for.

Two humans, one with hair and one without.

Three enormous birds going to town

on the bird feeder.

Geoff, those fuckers will be delicious.

(drum roll blasting)

I have a couple

I wouldn't mind drawing real quick.

The trees look shitty again, dear.

(drum roll blasting)

This is Nick Offerman signing off.

from what can only be called

a brilliant session of captioning New Yorker cartoons.

Thanks, Obama.