Was this the oddest Covid news conference Boris Johnson has held yet?

No one could ever possibly have seen it coming – least of all the man himself. Thanks to the pandemic, Boris Johnson – the playboy of politics, the Don Juan of Downing Street, the Conservative Casanova – found himself having to make casual sex a criminal offence. 

Thankfully, the virus now seems to be in retreat, and more than 35 million of us have received at least one dose of the vaccine. Chastened by the horrors of the past year, however, the Prime Minister is still preaching caution about the dangers of physical intimacy. From Monday next week, Mr Johnson is finally going to permit members of the public to hug each other – provided, that is, they proceed with due care and attention, and don’t get carried away. 

“We can’t suddenly throw caution to the winds,” he declared sternly, at a Downing Street news conference this evening (Monday). “We all know that close contact, such as hugging, is a direct way of transmitting the disease… I know there’s going to be a lot of people thinking about the guidance on hugging… Do it if you think it’s appropriate, but exercise care and common sense…”

It was, when you stopped to think about it, a remarkable scene. Of course, it’s quite right that Mr Johnson should do all he can to encourage sensible behaviour. After all, he is the Prime Minister, and this is a pandemic. Even so, in this particular context, there was something mildly surreal about the sheer solemnity of his tone. Hug with caution. Cuddle at your own risk. Please tickle responsibly. 

No doubt Mr Johnson himself was well aware of how odd it all sounded, but he still managed to keep a straight face – even when journalists started asking him how he himself intended to enjoy the new freedoms. A woman from ITN wanted to know whom he was “most looking forward to hugging”.

Disappointingly for her, however, the Prime Minister was keeping his counsel. “Whoever I hug,” he replied, with an air of great dignity, “it will be done with caution and restraint.” Reassuring news for Carrie.

The press pack was undeterred. “What about shaking hands?” asked the next journalist, eagerly. “Who will you shake hands with first?”

It was an unusual line of questioning, but wisely Mr Johnson nipped it in the bud, before it could go any further. (“Whose cheek will you kiss first, Prime Minister? Whose back do you intend to pat first? Any thoughts on your first high five? What about arm wrestling?”)

And so ended one of the more peculiar news conferences the Prime Minister has ever had to give. At any rate, the British public will have heard his message loud and clear, and have noted his earnest pleas for physical moderation. 

Luckily, of course, we’re such a repressed and inhibited nation, he’s probably got nothing to worry about. Thank goodness we aren’t Italian or French.